Return of the Bach(elorette)

Haters will say it’s a shop, but here it is: a new Bach take from your boy ConBon.

Quick note before we get into it, I’m without internet and the computer with all my editing software, so this edition will be without the usual gifs and photos, don’t fucking @ me.

I chose to skip out on Arie’s season because that dude was next level boring. I watched a decent amount, but needless to say, I did not “love that” season. That is, until the final episode where they completely changed everything I thought I knew about the franchise by showing, unedited, Arie unceremoniously dumping the winner and his fiance (and current Bachelorette) Becca for runner-up Lauren B. (Side note, what’s with blonde Lauren B’s winning? They’ve taken down 2 of the last 3 Bachelors, with the outlier being Nick who plays by his own, incredibly stupid rules) If you haven’t seen it, it’s one of the most incredible 40 minutes of reality television ever. Unlike all the other shit on this show, that segment is raw as fuck. It’s a very real breakup, complete with Arie looking for Becca to sign off on him dumping her for his ex (spoiler, she doesn’t). Throughout the whole thing, Becca handles herself with supreme grace and poise.

After that enormous debacle, ABC didn’t really have a choice. They had to name Becca the next Bachelorette, and that brings us to today.

While I don’t think Becca was the best choice for Lorette (that would be taxidermy enthusiast and all around weird babe Kendall) she proved to be more entertaining than I initially anticipated. My biggest beef right now is her catchphrase.

Every Bach or Lorette has their “thing” that gets beaten to fucking death every season, and this one is these 5 little words: “Let’s do the damn thing” (henceforth known as LDTDT for brevity).

An hour into this episode and I was already contemplating killing myself every time one of these jabroni’s felt the need to say it, taught her how to say it in a foreign language, got it engraved on a candle holder, or showed her their LDTDT dick tatoo (only that last one was made up). If this is what this season is going to be like, I’m gonna need a spotter to check in on me every Tuesday morning and make sure I’m still alive.

The show opened with a recap of Becca’s Arie-based bullshit. Pretty standard, Arie is a fuckboi, we already knew that. Becca talks to her fam about her impending journey, the only thing of note from that is that her sister looks like a literal witch. From there we get a montage of just how great Becca’s been doing post-Arie. The best part from that is her getting the key to some city in Minnesota. I would love to have seen the conversation that preceded that decision. “Hey Becca, congrats on getting your heart fucked on, have this big key.”

We get the preview for a few of the fellas that are vying to break off their engagement with Becca in roughly a year. Only a couple really stood out, starting with Lincoln, a chiseled Nigerian god with the most irresistible accent. I have him pegged as an early frontrunner, but there may be complications there (more on that in a bit). Also profiled in that group is Jordan (I think, there’s 28 dudes and it’s too early to bother learning names) a male model. This guy is so absurdly full of himself that it’s hard to deal with. His look is self-described as “the pensive gentleman”. In his profile he mentioned how often he has to salt spray (wtf is that?) and referred to being with someone as “sharing myself”. If reading all that didn’t make you want to gouge your eyes out, then have I got the douchey Floridian for you. Also noteworthy is Jean-Blanc, who has spent more money on cologne than any human should. But hey, Becca thought he smelled really good when he got out the limo, so what the fuck do I know?

This season is just brimming with athletes and former athletes. Based on the plethora of jocks, I have to imagine that Becca listed this as a preference. We have 2 former NFL players, a former Globetrotter, and several more college athletes who are trainers now. All these meatheads could lead to either some really interesting drama or (more likely) a lot of really dumb shit being said.

The limo segment went about as you’d expect. Lots of cheesy jokes and gimmicks, a few digs at Arie (although a lot less than I expected), a million different ways to shoehorn LDTDT into the conversation, and more bad shirt/jacket/tie combos than you can shake a rose at. I get trying to stand out, but some of these dudes look beyond stupid. I’d be hard pressed to pick a worst look, but I’d probably have to hand it to Chris (I think that’s his name) the snitch (more on that later) and his stupid plaid jacket/ruffled shirt/no tie combo (fuck I wish I had a picture, maybe I’ll come back later and add one, but don’t hold your breath). We had a lot of dudes wearing tuxes too, which, in my humble opinion, is way too formal for meeting your potential future ex-fiance. Then again, I wore sneakers to prom, so I’m probably not the best person to get advice about what is and isn’t appropriate to wear at a given point in time.

Maybe the weirdest part of the night was the appearance of Jake, some dude that Becca casually knows from Minneapolis. Bruh, you literally know this woman. If you want to date her, you could probably just ask rather than secretly flying to LA to compete with a bunch of other dudes to as to marry her, just saying.

Once everyone was out of the limo and assembled, Becca gave the usual speech about how she sees her husband here blah blah blah. The night then transitioned into the “can I steal you for a minute” phase.

There’s too many fucking dudes to get to everyone, so I’ll just touch on some of the highlights.

Former NFL player Clay is possibly a robot. The dude does not seem super comfortable with speaking words. This could be a new piece of functionality his creator only recently added and they’re still trying to iron out the kinks.

I don’t remember his name, but the Globetrotter dunked over Becca and it was fire as fuck. He should be allowed to stay for a few weeks just off the strength of that flex.

One guy (my notes tell me his name is David) wore a chicken suit. There’s usually one costume per limo ep and it’s an interesting strategy. On the one hand, it can hurt your game, as the Bach/Lorette doesn’t really know what you look like and pretty much everything you talk about centers around your costume. On the other hand, it shows you have a sense of humor and is usually enough to get through that first night. After that, you’re on your own. David’s outfit did give us my favorite non sequitur of the young season though.

“I’ve always loved chicken nuggets, but David’s personality is so fun.”

Uh, sure.

There’s a software engineer John, who claims to have made the Venmo app. A little digging reveals that he was the fifth person hired by Venmo, so he’s def paid, but let’s not get ahead of ourselves and say you made the app. You worked on it, simmer down.

Chris (of shitty outfit fame) came out the gates firing. Normally we don’t get any snitching for a few weeks while the contestants feel one another out, but Chris doesn’t give a fuck. A friend of his used to date Chase (also on the show) and when she saw that he was on the show, she texted Chris saying that Chase is an asshole who’s only trying to promote his company. Chris confronts Chase and then they take it Becca. Chase’s defense is that he barely dated this girl (he harps on this fact so hard that it starts to sound less and less believable) and it’s all a lie. They basically leave it at that, but it gets Becca thinking about who’s there for the Right Reasons™ and who isn’t.

This leads us to Jake, the dude who knew Becca from before. She confronts him, basically asking why he’s there if they knew each other already. This devolves into a vague conversation that makes it sound like Jake used to get v fucked up and did some dumb shit. We never hear what it could be, but it’s enough for Becca to send him packing early. The remaining dudes are a little shook, but this is good for them, so they need to chill.

Becca gave the first impression rose to a dude from Reno (can’t remember his name) who’s into fly fishing and his mediocre Chris Farley impression. He’s goofy and guess Becca is feeling that. Sure

Rose ceremonies this early in the season are hard to give a fuck about, but you can glean some crucial information from them. Lincoln was given the first rose, which seems about right. He was part of a long run on black dudes early in the rose ceremony.The fact that Becca only sent one home, bodes well for the possibility of the franchise’s first black Bachelor (you know, cuz it’s fucking 2018). The only dudes who got sent home that made any impression were Chase, the snitchee, and a dude who owns his own grocery store. He was really only notable for his thick ass Chi-cah-go accent and the fact that he used to sell watermelons. Oh well, boy, bye.

The best part of any Bach premier is “the this season on”. We, the viewing public, are given a lot to process. It looks like Jordan the obnoxious model is probably going to be the early season villain. The most shocking revelation is that my favorite Lincoln may be the late season villain. That would be a real tragedy, but these things are always edited weird to make shit up, so I’ll believe it when I see it. Another big takeaway is that this season is full of snitches. Based on the preview, we’re gonna have a lot of cattiness and I, for one, am here for that.

Not a bad start to a new season at all. This group of fuckbois seems to have real potential for nonsense, which is all I ever want. With any luck we’ll have an interesting season on our hands this time around. If not, there’s always the next 100 years of this shit.

As always, get at me with your spiciest takes and shirtless Lincoln pics

@ConnieBongrips on twitter

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Rachel’s Meat Market

Well, it’s that time of the year. Bachelorette is not fully back yet, but the smell of roses and right reasons is in the air, and ABC just released their preview of the cast of fellas that will be vying for the opportunity to break off their engagement with Rachel in a few months.

These profiles are great for a few reasons.

  1. They’re a great excuse to judge people on incredibly superficial stuff. Who doesn’t love that?
  2. ABC asks some really dumb questions
  3. They give some really dumb answers
  4. There are a lot of interesting ideas on what counts as an “occupation”

Now it would be a big task to go through all of these profiles and give you my full and honest opinion of these jabroni’s, and frankly, I don’t really feel like it. So here’s what I’ll do. I’ll give you their pic, some relevant Q&A’s, and a haiku highlighting my thoughts. If that’s not enough for you, well fuck you. Jk, we’re chill, but you gotta take it easy with those expectations. I am but one man.

Without further ado, let’s get it

Adam

What are your top 3 favorite movies? Transformers, The Pursuit of Happyness, The Wolf of Wall Street

You look so boring

You wannabe finance bro

Get the fucking ‘ludes

Alex

What is the most outrageous thing you have ever done? Ate a live salamander

Who are your top 3 favorite groups/artists & why? Coldplay, Beatles … Can’t really think of a third one. Music isn’t a big part of my life.

Avoid men like this

He may really be soulless

This fuck eats lizards

Anthony

If you could be someone else for just one day, who would it be and why? My mom. I wish I could see the world as she does to understand her better.

At last a good guy

He seems like he might not suck

Rachel, there is hope

Blake E.

Occupation: Aspiring Drummer

If you could watch any movie right now, what would it be, and why? The new 50 Shades of Grey movie because I love taboo sexy stuff.

This dude has no job

That movie is not sexy

Have you heard of porn?

Blake K.

Occupation: U.S. Marine Veteran

Do you have a serious fear of any kind of animal? Sharks! Have you ever seen Shark Week? I can’t get into the ocean for weeks after watching.

If you were stranded on a dessert island, what would it be made of? Chipotle because Chipotle is my life.

Yes I’ve seen shark week

Chipotle is so basic

Shout out to the troops

Brady

Occupation: Male Model

What do you do for fun in your hometown? Go to the beach. Go to the lake, golf, go sledding, go tackle snowmen.

What’s the most romantic present you have ever received and why? Lululemon sweatpants. She knew the way to my heart is cuddling on the couch in well-made, high-quality sweats.

Bro, where do you live?

Future yoga-pants mogul

But why male models?

Bryan

What is your favorite television show and why? Sports Center. I love sports and love talking sports with my friends, so I get most information from that show and sports talk radio. And believe it or not, The Bachelor/Bachelorette series. I’m fascinated by the interaction socially between a man and a woman in dating/relationship/marriage, etc.

What’s the most embarrassing style you’ve rocked? JNCO Jeans!! Sooooo baggy lol. Skate or die, man!! I looked ridiculous!

Sports/Sports/Sports

Marriage etc, bro

JNCO, so baggy

Bryce

Occupation: Firefighter

Would you describe yourself as “the party-starter,” “the wingman” or “the laid back one”? Laid back shot of gasoline when the fire starts to die.

What’s your biggest date fear? The chick is actually a dude.

Firefighting elf

“Laid back shot of gasoline”

Oh, you’re transphobic!

Dean

If you were stranded on a dessert island, what would it be made of? Hot Cheetos and mint chocolate chip ice cream

Tattoos: Mom’s initials on chest, artwork on back, friend’s initials on back, “Righteous” on inner lip, Latin on hip, Triforce on inner arm

Eating Hot Cheetos

I now dub thee Tattoo-Boi

Island made of gout 

DeMario

He is so boring

This haiku is hard to write

What a long necklace

Diggy

What’s your most embarrassing moment? When I was stranded on a toilet for hours in 5th grade

Tell us a fun story about a one night stand. I spent all day with this girl and she ended up coming home with me and we had sex. She then received a text saying her brother was missing, so I played asleep so I didn’t have to help!

Are those glasses real?

A life spent on the toilet

Missing brothers suck

Eric

If you were stranded on a desert island, what 3 things would you bring with you and why? And what, under any circumstance could you not tolerate on that island? Water, Book of Proverbs, phone. I could not tolerate negative people.

What is your favorite soft drink/juice? Green drink

Does not understand

Exactly how cell phones work

Green is not a drink

Fred

Ever have trouble in the bedroom? Or been turned on during the wrong time? We want to hear what happened! Yes, there are times that I get aroused at work and I have to go back to my desk to avoid being noticed.

Who is your favorite artist? Jean-Michel Basquiat

Swag like Carlton

Needs to learn to hide boner

At least he likes art

Grant

Do you follow a specific diet? See food diet. If I see it, I’ll eat it.

What are your favorite magazines? Playboy? 😉

Steal jokes from hooters

Gets his porn from magazines

Sounds like a winner

Iggy

Ever have trouble in the bedroom? Or been turned on during the wrong time? We want to hear what happened! I once got a boner during a board meeting. I had to present sitting down.

Who is your favorite artist? Dali

What do we have here?

Yet another horny bro

Who also likes art

Jack Stone

Occupation: Attorney

What is your favorite flower? Tulips. Basically, roses without thorns. There’s a metaphor somewhere there.

Tulips and roses

Aren’t even close to the same

Stick to lawyering

Jamey

Describe your best friend of the opposite sex and why she/she deserves that title: I do not have female friends.

Has no female friends

Probably because he sucks

Women are objects

Jedidiah

Tattoos: Cross on wrist, Proverbs 3:5 across back, wolf on left shoulder

What is your greatest achievement to date? Building my parents a 5,000-square-foot log home on 10 acres in Montana.

No one is impressed

We get it you like Jesus

Now fix your dumb face

Jonathan

Occupation: Tickle Monster

What is your most embarrassing moment? I had a mullet in 4th grade. My sister swears I wanted my hair cut that way. I like to believe that’s not true. Haha.

How do I begin?

Could you be more of a creep?

Mullets never die

Josiah

Occupation: Prosecuting Attorney

What are your favorite activities to do with a group? Jet skiing, gun range shooting, playing football

Another lawyer

Can you jet ski in a group?

That sounds dangerous

Kenny

Who is the person you love most in this world and why? My daughter. She is literally my reason for living. She makes my life better.

***Quickly Taken Down From His Bio***

What’s the wildest thing you’ve done in the bedroom? Had sex with a wife while her husband watched.

They took this part down

But this guy likes to cuckold

Does his daughter watch? 

Kyle

Gluten? Not really sure what it is or what food it lives in, but I select gluten-free menu options when I can.

Avoid all gluten

And you will live forever

Buttons are your friend

Lee

Who do you admire most in the world and why? My Mamaw! I admire how she adapts to the circumstances she faces enough to progress and successfully thrive. She survived the Depression as a kid, grew and raised an incredible family.

I assume Mawmaw

Is some kind of fancy bird

Good for you, bird mom

Lucas

Occupation: Whaboom

If you could have lunch with one person, who would it be and why? Dead: Bruce Jenner, Alive: Caitlyn Jenner …. Would be a very interesting convo.

What does whaboom mean?

Bruce Jenner isn’t dead, bro

He ceased to exist

Matt

Who do you admire most in the world and why? My parents for setting the bar when it comes to relationships as far as I’m concerned.

Shut your stupid face

My parents love each other

Way more than your’s do

Michael

Who is your favorite actor and why? Denzel, because every movie he was in were all classics and for him to act in several different characters is very impressive.

So apparently

All these mofos love Denzel

Is this a race thing?

Milton

What do you hope to get out of participating in this television show? Real answer? Discovered. Everyone tells me I’m made for TV/movies. Doesn’t mean I’m out here hoping for that, but I would like to break into writing or acting.

At least he’s honest

And he leaves no shred of doubt

Fuck your right reason

Mohit

What’s the wildest thing you’ve done in the bedroom? One word: Tabasco.

I feel for this guy

Behold a token brown dude

He likes spicy sex

Peter

What is your greatest achievement to date? Three Ironmans. One on a broken foot.

Color me impressed

Three Ironmans is a lot

I’ve only fucked one

Rob

What kind of music do you listen to most often? When I work, chill electronic with no words. When I’m just chilling, acoustic guitar sets.

If you could be any superhero, which one would you be and why? Superman! He’s got the coolest superpowers and is also a U.S. alien, like me!

If you could have lunch with one person who would it be and why? Buddha. So I could discuss his philosophies on detachment, suffering and divinity.

Your music tastes suck

Superman is from Krypton

Buddha would hate you

Will

Meatloaf said he would “do anything for love, but he won’t do that.” What will you not do? Be someone’s second choice.

If you are second

Does it really count as love?

I’d have to say no

Phewwwwwwwwwwwwww.

There you have it folks. 31 dudes. 31 works of perfect poetry. There are some real duds in this cast (aren’t there always?) and I can’t wait to find out who actually sucks and who only kind of sucks.

From the early returns, it looks like we’ll have a lot of douches, but that isn’t too surprising. I only hope our intrepid ‘Lorette can navigate these turd filled waters and come out the other side engaged to some one who isn’t Alex. Seriously, fuck that dude. Who doesn’t listen to music?

If you have any brilliant haikus of your own, please send ’em my way @ConnieBongrips or leave ’em in the comments.

When next we meet, we’ll have an actual show to discuss. Bout fucking time