Return of the Bach(elorette)

Haters will say it’s a shop, but here it is: a new Bach take from your boy ConBon.

Quick note before we get into it, I’m without internet and the computer with all my editing software, so this edition will be without the usual gifs and photos, don’t fucking @ me.

I chose to skip out on Arie’s season because that dude was next level boring. I watched a decent amount, but needless to say, I did not “love that” season. That is, until the final episode where they completely changed everything I thought I knew about the franchise by showing, unedited, Arie unceremoniously dumping the winner and his fiance (and current Bachelorette) Becca for runner-up Lauren B. (Side note, what’s with blonde Lauren B’s winning? They’ve taken down 2 of the last 3 Bachelors, with the outlier being Nick who plays by his own, incredibly stupid rules) If you haven’t seen it, it’s one of the most incredible 40 minutes of reality television ever. Unlike all the other shit on this show, that segment is raw as fuck. It’s a very real breakup, complete with Arie looking for Becca to sign off on him dumping her for his ex (spoiler, she doesn’t). Throughout the whole thing, Becca handles herself with supreme grace and poise.

After that enormous debacle, ABC didn’t really have a choice. They had to name Becca the next Bachelorette, and that brings us to today.

While I don’t think Becca was the best choice for Lorette (that would be taxidermy enthusiast and all around weird babe Kendall) she proved to be more entertaining than I initially anticipated. My biggest beef right now is her catchphrase.

Every Bach or Lorette has their “thing” that gets beaten to fucking death every season, and this one is these 5 little words: “Let’s do the damn thing” (henceforth known as LDTDT for brevity).

An hour into this episode and I was already contemplating killing myself every time one of these jabroni’s felt the need to say it, taught her how to say it in a foreign language, got it engraved on a candle holder, or showed her their LDTDT dick tatoo (only that last one was made up). If this is what this season is going to be like, I’m gonna need a spotter to check in on me every Tuesday morning and make sure I’m still alive.

The show opened with a recap of Becca’s Arie-based bullshit. Pretty standard, Arie is a fuckboi, we already knew that. Becca talks to her fam about her impending journey, the only thing of note from that is that her sister looks like a literal witch. From there we get a montage of just how great Becca’s been doing post-Arie. The best part from that is her getting the key to some city in Minnesota. I would love to have seen the conversation that preceded that decision. “Hey Becca, congrats on getting your heart fucked on, have this big key.”

We get the preview for a few of the fellas that are vying to break off their engagement with Becca in roughly a year. Only a couple really stood out, starting with Lincoln, a chiseled Nigerian god with the most irresistible accent. I have him pegged as an early frontrunner, but there may be complications there (more on that in a bit). Also profiled in that group is Jordan (I think, there’s 28 dudes and it’s too early to bother learning names) a male model. This guy is so absurdly full of himself that it’s hard to deal with. His look is self-described as “the pensive gentleman”. In his profile he mentioned how often he has to salt spray (wtf is that?) and referred to being with someone as “sharing myself”. If reading all that didn’t make you want to gouge your eyes out, then have I got the douchey Floridian for you. Also noteworthy is Jean-Blanc, who has spent more money on cologne than any human should. But hey, Becca thought he smelled really good when he got out the limo, so what the fuck do I know?

This season is just brimming with athletes and former athletes. Based on the plethora of jocks, I have to imagine that Becca listed this as a preference. We have 2 former NFL players, a former Globetrotter, and several more college athletes who are trainers now. All these meatheads could lead to either some really interesting drama or (more likely) a lot of really dumb shit being said.

The limo segment went about as you’d expect. Lots of cheesy jokes and gimmicks, a few digs at Arie (although a lot less than I expected), a million different ways to shoehorn LDTDT into the conversation, and more bad shirt/jacket/tie combos than you can shake a rose at. I get trying to stand out, but some of these dudes look beyond stupid. I’d be hard pressed to pick a worst look, but I’d probably have to hand it to Chris (I think that’s his name) the snitch (more on that later) and his stupid plaid jacket/ruffled shirt/no tie combo (fuck I wish I had a picture, maybe I’ll come back later and add one, but don’t hold your breath). We had a lot of dudes wearing tuxes too, which, in my humble opinion, is way too formal for meeting your potential future ex-fiance. Then again, I wore sneakers to prom, so I’m probably not the best person to get advice about what is and isn’t appropriate to wear at a given point in time.

Maybe the weirdest part of the night was the appearance of Jake, some dude that Becca casually knows from Minneapolis. Bruh, you literally know this woman. If you want to date her, you could probably just ask rather than secretly flying to LA to compete with a bunch of other dudes to as to marry her, just saying.

Once everyone was out of the limo and assembled, Becca gave the usual speech about how she sees her husband here blah blah blah. The night then transitioned into the “can I steal you for a minute” phase.

There’s too many fucking dudes to get to everyone, so I’ll just touch on some of the highlights.

Former NFL player Clay is possibly a robot. The dude does not seem super comfortable with speaking words. This could be a new piece of functionality his creator only recently added and they’re still trying to iron out the kinks.

I don’t remember his name, but the Globetrotter dunked over Becca and it was fire as fuck. He should be allowed to stay for a few weeks just off the strength of that flex.

One guy (my notes tell me his name is David) wore a chicken suit. There’s usually one costume per limo ep and it’s an interesting strategy. On the one hand, it can hurt your game, as the Bach/Lorette doesn’t really know what you look like and pretty much everything you talk about centers around your costume. On the other hand, it shows you have a sense of humor and is usually enough to get through that first night. After that, you’re on your own. David’s outfit did give us my favorite non sequitur of the young season though.

“I’ve always loved chicken nuggets, but David’s personality is so fun.”

Uh, sure.

There’s a software engineer John, who claims to have made the Venmo app. A little digging reveals that he was the fifth person hired by Venmo, so he’s def paid, but let’s not get ahead of ourselves and say you made the app. You worked on it, simmer down.

Chris (of shitty outfit fame) came out the gates firing. Normally we don’t get any snitching for a few weeks while the contestants feel one another out, but Chris doesn’t give a fuck. A friend of his used to date Chase (also on the show) and when she saw that he was on the show, she texted Chris saying that Chase is an asshole who’s only trying to promote his company. Chris confronts Chase and then they take it Becca. Chase’s defense is that he barely dated this girl (he harps on this fact so hard that it starts to sound less and less believable) and it’s all a lie. They basically leave it at that, but it gets Becca thinking about who’s there for the Right Reasons™ and who isn’t.

This leads us to Jake, the dude who knew Becca from before. She confronts him, basically asking why he’s there if they knew each other already. This devolves into a vague conversation that makes it sound like Jake used to get v fucked up and did some dumb shit. We never hear what it could be, but it’s enough for Becca to send him packing early. The remaining dudes are a little shook, but this is good for them, so they need to chill.

Becca gave the first impression rose to a dude from Reno (can’t remember his name) who’s into fly fishing and his mediocre Chris Farley impression. He’s goofy and guess Becca is feeling that. Sure

Rose ceremonies this early in the season are hard to give a fuck about, but you can glean some crucial information from them. Lincoln was given the first rose, which seems about right. He was part of a long run on black dudes early in the rose ceremony.The fact that Becca only sent one home, bodes well for the possibility of the franchise’s first black Bachelor (you know, cuz it’s fucking 2018). The only dudes who got sent home that made any impression were Chase, the snitchee, and a dude who owns his own grocery store. He was really only notable for his thick ass Chi-cah-go accent and the fact that he used to sell watermelons. Oh well, boy, bye.

The best part of any Bach premier is “the this season on”. We, the viewing public, are given a lot to process. It looks like Jordan the obnoxious model is probably going to be the early season villain. The most shocking revelation is that my favorite Lincoln may be the late season villain. That would be a real tragedy, but these things are always edited weird to make shit up, so I’ll believe it when I see it. Another big takeaway is that this season is full of snitches. Based on the preview, we’re gonna have a lot of cattiness and I, for one, am here for that.

Not a bad start to a new season at all. This group of fuckbois seems to have real potential for nonsense, which is all I ever want. With any luck we’ll have an interesting season on our hands this time around. If not, there’s always the next 100 years of this shit.

As always, get at me with your spiciest takes and shirtless Lincoln pics

@ConnieBongrips on twitter

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Take Me Home To The FuckBoiz

Hometowns, sweet hometowns, how I long for thee.

I find that most seasons of the Bach or Lorette tend to have a certain rhythm to them. Things start out fast, so many dudes/ladies, it’s bound to be interesting. We start whittling down the group, getting rid of the boring ones and the uggos. The show will usually then hit a sweet spot, where just enough shitty/fucked up people remain that there’s the perfect balance of camera-time/shenanigans. The search for Loveis still raging, but there’s a lot o’ drama as well (usually peaking with the two-on-one).

Unfortunately, this is often followed by a real down period. Most of the truly garbage humans are gone (one last “fuck you, Lee” for old time’s sake), pretty much all of the people left are starting to get serious, and camera time for everyone, even the hot boring ones, starts to balloon (anyone remember Chase from Jojo’s season? me neither).

Without some antics, the show becomes a repetitive cycle of people tonguing one another down in increasingly exotic and expensive locales.

Don’t get me wrong, I love every stupid minute of it. It just gets a lil bo-rang

And then we get some mafuckin hometowns.

Hometowns shake stuff up in the best of ways. Even when most of the dates are fairly uneventful, the editors always have enough footage to make it look like shit goes south on the “Coming up, on the Bachelorette” segments (video editing is magical like that). Even when it goes smooth, there’s some small joy in having the rug yanked out from under you.

We get people’s families, who are almost always good for something. At this point, we’re so starved for some variety, it almost doesn’t matter. Sometimes it’s the little things, like watching Nick pretend to like Corrine’s dad’s shitty olives. Sometimes it’s epic, like Jojo’s mom’s mom drinking straight out the bottle like a true fucking champ

And that’s without even touching all the shitty, overly-protective mothers, fathers, brothers, sisters, cousins, in-laws, step-siblings, next-door neighbors, gas station attendants, etc.

Gone are all the fancy places and exotic dates . Goodbye Fiji, hello Flint.

With that said, it feels only appropriate that we start hometowns in…

My Wire heads know what’s up.

Major Hunches (né Eric) is from Baltimore and is excited to show Rachel the city he came from. Apparently, many of the men in Hunches’ fam have made their living “on the streets” (once again, my Wire heads will know what’s up) and he learned from their mistakes and such.

Hunches hometown had two real takeaways.

  1.  He’s ready for love. This matters, cuz apparently he’s never been in love, whatever that means.
  2. His parents did a bad job of raising him, yet want to take all the credit for the man he became.

Me here at Connie Bongrips was very excited for the potential throwdown between Hunches and his mom over his allegations of her not loving him, but, when I thought she would zig, Hunches’ mom zagged. She said that she had seen strong men in her family cling to their mothers and not reach their potential, and that was her rationale for not showing her son love. Not only did she acknowledge being a mediocre mom, she fucking leaned into it.

This was further compounded by his dad talking about how strong of a man Hunches had become despite him not really being around, and taking some credit for it.

And it was all such a crock of shit.

Just because something turned out well despite you, doesn’t mean it was because of you. I’d like to say that my early teenage ignorance of Destiny’s Child turned Beyonce into the woman that she is today, but life doesn’t work that way. Shitty parents can have good kids.

But even with all that, Rach was def still feeling the family vibes and Hunches was cheesing like a motherfucker

dat cheeze

Goddamn. That cheese.

Before she goes, Hunches tells her more or less that he’s in love with her. She says he didn’t say it, but he basically did, so she needs to give the dude a break.

Date Numero Dos was Bryan a Miami (imagine that the a has an accent, I don’t know to do that on WordPress). Take-aways from Bryan’s date

  1. He overuses the word vibrance when describing Miami.
  2. Rach wants to fuck him very badly (this we’ve known)
  3. His relationship with his mom is going to be a problem
  4. He wears v-necks under polos

dat v.png

This dude’s mom. The amount of times she referred to him as her “life”, or “light”, or “love” was borderline Oedipal. And all that shit aside, this lady literally threatened to kill Rach (jokingly, but was it?) if she tried to take him away from her.

Lady, we get it, you like your only son. But goddamn, you gotta ease it back a notch.

Apparently Bryan’s last girlfriend tried to come between him and his mom (I wonder why?) and it hadn’t gone well. The subtext of all of this was essentially, Rachel, watch yourself, cuz we’ll kill you if you take our greasy player away from us.

I don’t like Bryan. And I’m really worried he’s gonna win. Oh yeah and he said he loved her. Cool.

Peter Peter Hopeful Winner was third. Now, in the interest of full disclosure, I should mention that my dear sister lives in Madison, WI (Peter’s hometown) and one of her friend’s had seen Rachel at the farmers market this summer, so I was pretty sure Peter was getting a hometown. That being said, this shit went pretty well. Peter got to show off his ethnically diverse friend group (eyyyyy black friends) and introduce Rach to his fam.

The bullet points for Pedro’s date:

  1. He’s good with kids
  2. His walls are up.

Kids-wise, Peter’s niece and nephew were there, giving him the prime opportunity to showcase his ability to not hate children, which can take one a long way in this search for Love.

Continuing the theme from last week was his hesitance to commit to marriage if it doesn’t feel right. I hope this doesn’t matter, but I’m increasingly worried that it will. Rachel keeps saying she doesn’t want a boyfriend, but a fiance. It makes me wonder if she realizes that a fiance is just a boyfriend that dropped a lot of money, or, in this case, facetime with Neil Lane, on a ring, but I guess that’s just semantics at this point.

The date was pretty boring for the most part, but it did seem to go well, so fingers crossed that Pedro can pull this one out.

This whole ep was pretty much an enormous lead in to Dean’s hometown. All the other dates were of the rug-pulling variety (mostly hinted at drama that never materialized) but Dean’s was the real deal.

Things about Dean’s fam:

  1. His dad is now a Sihk, who goes by Parumrup
  2. He hasn’t seen his dad in 2 years
  3. His whole family hasn’t been under the same roof in 8 years
  4. His dad got rid of all the tables

The last point didn’t matter, but it made for some funny conversation.

The big thing is that Dean and his dad are crazy weird. Dean’s mom died about a decade ago, and it seem to tear their family apart. Dean’s dad wasn’t there for him in the way he needed, and it hurt their relationship.

Dean was so ridiculously nervous for this whole meeting that you couldn’t help but feel bad for the guy. Just look at him

comfydean.gif

As they’re going in, he literally says, “This is going to be awful.”

And he’s right.

We, the viewers, were treated to a lot of hippie-dippie new age nonsense, like Dean’s dad playing the gong because he likes the sounds of, while everyone lays around and listens.

 

His dad serves them some shitty vegetarian dish with sprouted mung beans, and Dean doesn’t eat any of it. Eventually Parumrup asks for some alone time with Dean, presumably to talk over some shit.

Now Parumrup thinks this is going to be easy. He even says to Dean, “I must be a pretty great dad because look at my son” (lol, nice try dad). Little does he realize he’s just opening the flood gates for ol’ Deanie Baby to unload a decade of frustration. Dean calls his dad out hard for not being there for him when his mom died, and his dad does not take it well. He gets crazy defensive, accuses Dean of having one foot in the past, and says that he can’t understand what Dean was going through (wrong answer, bro).

This whole convo goes verrrrrry poorly, with Parumrup evetually storming off and doing this

classicparumrum.gif

Classic Parumrup.

Eventually Rach  tries to talk to him. Things start to get real, until Parumrup notices the cameras and nopes the fuck out of there. Date over. Dean says he’s falling in love with her and, shockingly, she says she’s falling in love with him.

And that brings us to the rose ceremony, where Rach unceremoniously sends Deanie Baby packing.

Was it his dad? Was it him? We’ll never know, but I think it’s probably easiest for everyone if we just blame his dad. That dude was weird and this show (while weird as fuck) is so square, I don’t think there was ever room for Parumrup to truly shine.

Oh well, at least we’ll always have the gong.

The big shocker for me in all of this, is that we’re one week away from fantasy suites (aka Pound Town). Why couldn’t Rach hold out a little longer and get her hands on that nubile, young Deanie Bod? I really thought that was the plan all along. Just one of the many reason why I’m not the Bachelorette, I guess.

Next week though, it’s time for Rach to take these boys for a test ride and see what they’ve got. Smart money says greasy Bryan knows how to work it. Hopefully Pete can get over his inability to love good and at least knows how to fuck good. We shall see.

Power Rankings (on one line, cuz who the fuck cares at this point?)

Pedro, Greasy Bry, Hunches

 

Four Fuggin Hours Later

*gets on stage and taps the mic*

Can everyone hear me? I just watched four hours of the Bachelorette and boy, are my eyes tired.

But seriously folks, what the fuck?

ABC, why you gotta go and do four hours of this in one week? Do you think I’m just made out of spare time? I am, but goddamn.

For those not in the know, two weeks ago there was some sort of sportsball game on Monday night and ABC, in their infinite wisdom, decided to go with 2 eps this week (Monday aaaaaaand Tuesday) instead of, oh I don’t know, showing one last Tuesday. You’re already airing one on a Tuesday, so why double down? I don’t know, but I’m exhausted (you think it’s easy to watch this shit and write about it? write your own fucking blog then, nerd).

The worst part, is the week got off to such a promising start. Tensions with Lee and Kenny continued to grow. After Bryan (don’t worry, we’ll touch on him more later) gets the group date rose, Kenny says to the whole group, in the most sub-tweeting-est fashion, “That’s very important, not being a bitch ass dude.”

While this advice was presumably directed at Lee, known far and wide for being a bitch ass dude, I think this is a lesson we can all really take to heart. So you there, reading this at home. Yeah, you. Don’t be a bitch ass dude, please.

Following this group date, we are treated to a one on one with everyone’s favorite generic lawyer, Jack Stone. During a talking head, Rach informs us that on paper she and J-Stone are a good match, but she needs to see if there’s any chemistry. And with that, we had this season’s first occurrence of my favorite kind of date, the “prove it” date.

These kinds of dates are a blast because they almost never end well for the person with something to prove. On top of that, they almost always think it’s going really well, until their ass gets sent home.

Now this particular prove it date with J-Stone was extra fun because this is, hands down, the most screen time this bro has had, and I’m not convinced he’s fully human. I’ve talked with a few people about this, and there seems to be two camps that people fall into. You either A) think he’s a robot trying to learn about love or B) think he’s an alien sent here to reproduce with a human female.

Damn, Connie, you may be thinking, that’s a little harsh. How inhuman can this guy be?

Well I’m glad you asked. For starters, he’s boring as all fuck. When asked what he would do if he could whisk Rach away to Dallas, he said they’d chill at his place. C’mon, bruh, that’s so lame to say on your first date. I’m pretty boring like that too, but you gotta wait and trick em into thinking you’re an interesting, outgoing person before you hit em with the sweatpants all-day routine.

On top of that, this dude seems to think the only way to express interest is through staring. At one point, he and Rach dance a little in the street, and afterwards all he can talk about is how he kept staring at her. He repeats this several times, as if that’s a thing people want to hear. Clearly something is wrong with his social protocols (I belong to the robot camp, btw).

To top it all off, this dude/android is CONSTANTLY tilting his head forward. And when I say constantly, I really mean it.

When Rach inevitably sends his ass packing, he even hits her with the sad tilt.

sad tilt

Is it because he’s an alien who doesn’t really understand how you should hold your head when you talk to other people, or is it that there’s a loose bolt in his stainless steel spinal column and he can’t hold his head straight? Either way, mission not accomplished.

During this date, Lee gets to talking with Will, one of the other contestants, about his interaction with Kenny. When Will points out to Lee that there is a long history in this country of white people accusing black men of being aggressive to do fucked up shit to them, the point whizzes right over Lee’s absurdly tall hair. He gets mad that Kenny is pulling the race card (nevermind that Kenny did not say any of this to Lee) and admits to Will (a black man, btw) that he doesn’t “get the race card.”

Now there’s a lot to unpack in that little gem, so let’s dig in.

I can understand living in a world where you think that racism isn’t that bad and that black people are just making a big fuss to get stuff. Hell, I grew up around plenty of people who feel that way. To them, racism is a kind of victimhood that people of color use when things don’t go their way. And while I completely disagree with that view, I at least am familiar with how some one could come to think that way. But that isn’t what Lee is saying. Even the shittiest of Confederate-flag waving fucks I grew up around (I was raised in Massachusetts, by the way, so I don’t know where all that Southern pride came from, but w/e) understands the race card. They think it’s bullshit and pulled too often, but they understand that racism at least used to exist. Lee can’t even admit that. It’s hard to say what his world view is, exactly, other than being an enormous sack of turds, but it’s clear that this dude really really sucks.

The first rose ceremony this week saw two more jabroni’s go (not including ol’ J-Stone), Iggy and the Tickle Monster. Iggy was a little pot-stirrer and I don’t think anyone really misses him. He talked to Rach about other dudes more than himself, violating the golden rule (don’t be a snitch), and it cost him. At the end he claims to have learned more about himself in 4 weeks than he has in 30 years. Did this dude just learn about introspection? At 30? Good luck, bruh.

The Tickle Monster just couldn’t fucking resist, and as he’s hugging Rach goodbye he goes in for a final tickle, to the literal applause of the other contestants.

a-tickle-for-the-road.gif

I don’t know about you guys, but when I see a weirdo tickle some one, my first reaction is not to clap. I guess that’s why ABC keeps rejecting my audition tapes…

At this point, our ‘Lorette tells the boys that they’re getting out of the country and heading to Norway. Pretty dope, it’s not tropical, but they’ve got stuff in Norway. For the first date, Rach takes Bryan (the mouthy kisser) to check out an old ski jump. So cool.

Now I am not a big fan of Bryan. First off, this dude is smooth as hell and I don’t trust anyone that smooth to not be a dick. Maybe this attitude comes from years of my complete inability to exist normally around women, but that’s not the point. Bryan is so clearly a player of some kind that it worries me. At the end of the day, I do want Rach to find Love™ and I just don’t think he’s the man for it.

However, this one on one, while not super interesting (they almost never are) had several classic moments. First, as they’re walking out, holding each other, Bryan says he needs a hug. They pause for a second and then proceed to keep walking exactly the same way. Was that actually a hug the whole time and it just took him a minute to realize?

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

The next moment came as Rach and Bryan were preparing to repel down the ski jump, which we are told is 187 feet high. Rach, upon hearing that, asks if anyone else gets the symbolism behind that. The producer (who apparently never listened to hip hop in the 90’s) asks her what it means. If you don’t know what that means, I’ll let this Snoop and Dre video explain it

I love this girl.

Finally, as they rappel down the jump, Bryan insists on kissing. What follows was maybe the grossest sounding kiss I’ve heard on this show, and I’m including Josh Murray’s moaning-kiss thing from last season of Paradise. Unfortunately I couldn’t find a clip of this, so you’ll just have to use your imaginations. For those of you interested in recreating the sound at home, try smearing your face in peanut butter and then frenching the nearest pup. That should be a suitable approximation. What do you know, Bryan gets the rose. Rach is too into him. I don’t like it.

The next date is a handball group date where the dudes have to put on singlets and play handball. Unlike the rest of the crew, Deanie Baby opted to wear his jock strap on the outside (as opposed to the traditional, inside manner).

dat jock.jpg

It’s possible he did this to be funny, but it’s equally possible that he has a tiny dick and was embarrassed, deciding it was better to look like a fool who could have a big dick rather than a regular dude with a small dick. It’s a real Sophie’s choice.

The game would have been fairly uneventful if it wasn’t for Peter and the the groping he was doing. Seriously, this dude was all over Rach.

gropin-peter.gif

To be fair, she seems to be feeling it, but man. He straight up touches her boob right there (also maybe a little booty, but it’s hard to tell from this angle)

At the cocktail bit afterward, they continue their touch fest, by leaving the party and making out in a hot tub. Where did their bathing suits come from? Do they just wear them under everything in case there’s a hot tub?

Rachel, being the smart cookie that she is, gives Will the group date rose, and not Peter. This is wise because you can’t keep giving the same people roses over and over again on group dates. It sends a bad message to the other dudes. Also, if Peter is not feeling confident in their relationship after they spent an indeterminate amount of time soaking in a tub and rubbing their junk on each other, then he’s got some real issues.

And now it’s time for the moment we’ve all been waiting for. The dreaded two on one.

And not just any two on one, but Lee vs Kenny.

For those that may be new to the series, the two on one is where two contestants who hate each other go on a shared date and badmouth the other one and try to send him or her home. There’s two main archetypes who go on two on ones

  1. The Villain. This is the contestant who sucks and is disliked by most of the other contestants for one reason or another. On Nick’s season, it was Corrine, for being a boss who gave no fucks. Before that, on Jojo’s season, it was Chad, for being a terrifyingly aggressive asshole who loved cold cuts and raw sweet potatoes.
  2. The Snitch. This is the contestant who can’t stop talking to the Bach’ or ‘Lorette about how shitty the villain is. On Nick’s season, it was Taylor, whose obsession with Corrine was only matched by her obsession with emotional intelligence. On Jojo’s season, it was Alex, whose hatred for Chad was only matched by his raging Napoleon Complex.

This two on one is a little different though, as Lee plays the role of both snitch and villain (what an innovater!), having done nothing but be a dick to Kenny, all the while feeding Rach bullshit and twisted half truths about everyone’s favorite cuckolding wrestler/dad.

The initial part of the date goes well for Kenny. He’s able to talk to Rach first and they have a pleasant convo about moving their relationship forward. Lee uses his one on one time to lie about Kenny (shocking). At one point he literally says, “Can I be honest with you?” and then proceeds to just lie through his teeth. You almost have to respect his utter disregard for words and what they mean. It honestly seems like Lee is more into fucking with Kenny than trying to get with Rach.

Unfortunately for him, Rach is able to see right through the lies and she sends him home. As her and Kenny are about to leave, our boy Kenny can’t help himself, and goes back to tell Lee what a piece of garbage he is. This does not sit well with Rach, and, frankly, was not the best move on Kenny’s part, but when she confronts him about it, he has a surprisingly good answer. He tells her that he believes in letting his feelings out and addressing them in the moment, and that he had to get stuff off his chest to Lee. Not a bad turn around. I’d give it a solid B. They have some good conversations about honesty and sincerity and she gives him the rose.

Finally, we arrive at the second of three rose ceremonies this week (I know, it’s fucked up). This one is by far the most surprising of the season. Josiah (dead brother lawyer) and Anthony (his horse shit in that store) both go home, while nobodies Adam and Matt stick around. Josiah, I understand, he was being weird pretty much the whole season and he was confident in a way that really made you want him to stop talking. Anthony was surprising. They’d had a good one on one, he seems like a good dude, and he’s pretty attractive. Really my only beef with him is that his head is too pointy.

pinhead.jpg

Maybe Rach prefers her dudes with smoother heads?

Josiah talks a lot of shit about Rach on his way out, which is a really bad look. Like, dude, maybe she didn’t want to be with you cuz you’re a fucking clown who thinks he’s god’s gift to earth. Get over yourself and stop dissing our girl.

The next destination for our dwindling group of fuckbois is… Denmark!

Does ABC have some kind of deal with the tourism board of Scandanavia? Including Nick’s finale, this is the third straight Scandanavian country they’ve visited. I mean, I like it, but I don’t really get it.

Rachel takes Major Hunches (Eric) on the first one on one. They ride around in a boat and go to an amusement park. Hunches is really hyped and cannot stop hooting and hollering. It’s shockingly endearing. He genuinely likes Rachel, which is cool. They seem to enjoy themselves.

Over dinner Hunches confesses that his mom never really loved him and that he has a hard time handling it when relationships get serious. I’m not gonna lie, that’s pretty sad, but the whole time I was wondering, is his mom watching? What does she think of all this? I guess we’ll find out in her inevitable tell-all interview with People or Us Weekly.

Following this revelation, he tells Rach that he thinks he’s falling for her, which is about the best he can do right now. She finds it sufficient and gives him the rose. Unfortunately, this rose was not enough to cure him of his bad posture.

dinner hunches

I can’t help myself. Look at that dinner hunch.

The group date (the third this week, for those of you keeping track at home) is a bunch of viking games. Seems like fun, I guess. This being games though, you know your boy Peter was gonna get his gropes in. Here he is picking up Rach yet again

gropers gonna grope

He really likes picking her up.

Kenny wins the Viking games, but not before busting his eyebrow open. His reward? This sweet outfit.

viking kenny

I hope he got to keep it.

At the proceeding drink sesh, Rach and Kenny get to talking. The crux of things is he’s not fully feeling it. Rach, by virtue of being an angel, decides that she cannot ask him to stay while she still has questions and he misses his daughter so much. They part ways amicably.

Quick pause to talk about how sweet all the father/daughter stuff with Kenny has been this season. Normally, I think people that come on this show with kids are lame. Like, who cares, why are you here? Not to mention their kids are usually pretty boring (I’m looking at you Kensie and Charlie). Kenny’s kid, on the other hand, is old enough to form coherent sentences and seems to genuinely want her dad to find happiness. And maybe I’m just an enormous sap, but I find their facetime convos legitimately precious.

Somehow, there’s yet another date this week. It’s another prove it date, but with Will. This is a little out of left field as he recently received the group date rose. Well, Rach wants more passion from Will and he is only too happy to not oblige.

awkward.gif

Just look at those sparks.

Rach is unimpressed and let’s him go. PS, this date took place in Sweden, which is the 3rd Scandinavian country of the week. We get it, there are several countries in Scandinavia and they are all close to each other.

Thank god, we’re finally at the end. The third rose ceremony. And once again, rather than sending Matt or Adam home, Rach ditches Alex, of not liking music fame. Not sure what she wasn’t feeling, but maybe they would’ve had more chemistry if listened anything other than Coldplay. Just a theory.

And that was that. Four hours of programming and nearly 3000 words later, here we are. To those of you brave enough to hang in this long, I’ll reward you with my first power rankings. I was hoping to start these when we got to about ten dudes, but then Rach went out and started choppin’, and now we only have six.

These rankings represent where I think these guys will finish out the season (#1 wins, #6 goes home next week, etc). I will also include my personal rankings based solely on my subjective opinion of these guys. That rank will be in parenthesis.

  1. Peter (3): At this point, it feels like we’re on a slow, unstoppable march to Rachel and Peter’s engagement. They’ve always had real chem, and, despite his propensity for groping, he’s somehow less of a creep than Bryan.
  2. Bryan (5): Creepers gonna creep, but Rach is undeniably feeling it.
  3. Dean (1): He seems like fun, and he’s definitely hot. My guess is she hits it and quits it cuz he’s too young for her.
  4. Maj. Hunches (2): Hunches came a long way for me this ep, but I don’t think he has the legs to make it past hometowns. Also, his mom may hate him, which could severely hurt the vibe at his house.
  5. Matt (4): He is not Adam.
  6. Adam (6): I don’t really know what to say. He brought a doll on the first night, and that might have been his high water mark.

Well I’m gonna go do literally anything but think about the Bachelorette. I’ll see you fine folk next week for more Love™ and drama.

Maybe We Shouldn’t Have Cast That Racist Dude

After a 2 full weeks without any Bachelor-based content in our lives (excluding everything that went down with Paradise) we finally got back into it this week. Unfortunately, this episode was as dull as it was infuriating. In terms of finding Love™, this was not a super productive week for our ‘Lorette. Instead, it was consumed by Lee and his beef with seemingly every black dude left on the show. Shocking, especially coming from a dude who tweeted this out

What winner.

The episode opens where we left off, with Major Hunches (Eric) yelling at Lee for snitching on him to Rach (I don’t even remember about what tbh). They yell for a bit, Lee does his talking head about how he enjoys making dudes angry, and then things calm down.

This peace, however, proves to be rather fleeting, as moments later, Lee interrupts Kenny’s convo with Rach to double dip on that one-on-one time. This rightly pisses Kenny off, who then confronts Lee in private. This goes about the same as all arguments with Lee, where he basically plays dumb and tries to rile up his opponent. It works and Kenny starts yelling at him. Eventually it just sort of… ends with no real resolution, but whatever. Lee sucks.

We get to the rose ceremony where Rach sends home Bryce (transphobic firefighting elf), Brady (male model), and Diggy (stylish dude). Of these three, Diggy is the only one I’m sad to see go, and even that is 90% attributable to the one time he liked one of my pics on instagram (fuck, I’m so cool).

Screenshot_20170617-081708

In terms of fat that probably should’ve been trimmed, only the Tickle Monster and Adam (dude with the fucking puppet) remain. My theory is that Rach agreed to keep these chach’s around so that she could send Whaboom home last week.

The first date of the week is a one on one with Deanie Baby (dreamy ass young boi). They go up in a blimp. Dean gets scared. They smooch. As dreamy as Dean may be, he’s not super interesting and this date was pretty boring. He talked about his dead mom (you can’t see it, but I’m practicing serious restraint here by not making a single dead mom joke), it’s sad. They smooch some more. He gets the rose, but not before being made to dance on a platform while being serenaded by a country group no one has ever heard of (I will never for the life of me understand why the show thinks this is a thing people would want to do on a date).

The only other date this ep was a group date, meant to test the intellect of the chosen group of fuckboi’s. So, of course it’s a goddamnspelling bee. I don’t know if this needs to be spelled out for you or not (see what I did there?), but I’mma do it any way:

A SPELLING BEE DOES NOT TEST YOUR INTELLECT, MERELY IF YOU CAN SPELL CERTAIN WORDS

Take, for example, Ananya Vinay, the winner of this years Scripps National Spelling Bee. Ananya took home the top prize by spelling, among other words, “konditorei,” “heiligenschein” and “wayzgoose.” I couldn’t even begin to spell those. Does that mean Ananya is my intellectual better? Fuck no, she’s 12 and I would ruin her with my vastly superior brain. By the time she’s my age, I’m sure she’ll have surpassed me, but that day won’t be here for a while. Spelling words is certainly impressive and indicative of a large vocabulary, but not much else.

So the douches spell, some better than others. The words are, for the most part, laughably easy. One of them was “stunning.” Josiah wins, good for him.

After the spelling bee, the group grabs some drinks and we get back into the Lee drama. He goes to Rach and starts talking shit about Kenny being aggressive and this and that.

This brings us to the real issue I have with this week and this season:

How the fuck did Lee make it onto this show?

This is the first season in the franchise’s history in which the lead is a person of color. That’s a big deal (it shouldn’t be, it’s fucking 2017, but here we are). You would think that the production team would, oh, I don’t know, try to avoid casting people who post overtly racist shit on their social media accounts. It’s really not that hard. One of two things happened here:

  1. The producers did not do their due diligence when checking up on Lee. Not sure how you don’t get an intern to comb their Twitter history, but it’s possible.
  2. They saw this, and were like, “Fuck yes, this season is filled with black people, and this could lead to some juicy drama,” in which case, fuck you. Way to exploit your POC contestants for ratings. Stellar move.

One is gross incompetence, the other, malicious race-baiting. Pick your fave!

The simple fact is, they gave this fuck wad a platform to harass black dudes and spread his message of casual racism into living rooms across the country. Fuck that. And this season of all seasons. And that’s without touching his other tweets, ranging in topic from Islam to feminism. It’s absurd.

The other part about this that is so infuriating, is how the fuck did Lee not delete all that shit when he was applying? Aside from finding Love™, one goes on the Bachelor/Bachelorette to grow their social media presence. It would seem only natural to do a little culling of one’s own history to remove any questionable content before millions of internet sleuths do their own digging. Because that will happen. People are both extremely into the franchise (see: this stupid blog) and have way too much time on their hands (see: also this stupid blog). Shit will come out. You gotta get ahead of it.

Stupidity all around.

Despite that, Lee is on the show. And that means that we, the viewers, are treated to all kinds of micro-aggressions and dog whistles. Lee is such an obvious piece of shit that it almost feels counter-productive to even engage with his crap. All he does is fuck with these dudes. And he seems to genuinely enjoy it. When he talks about messing with Kenny, he says he gets “joy crumbling his miserable world.” Eesh.

Don’t get me wrong, I love fucking with people, but I’m an equal opportunities asshole. I’ll fuck with anybody. Fucking with people because racist power dynamics let you get away with it is lame, yo.

Really hoping Rachel sends this piece of white trash home so we can get back to the important stuff, like trying to figure out who she wants to fuck the most.

(it’s Dean, btw, I mean, come on)

 

Free At Last

Boy, a lot can change in a week.

When last we left off, fucboi Demario was coming back to talk to Rachel for a second chance or whatever. Now, so much goes down this week, both on and off the court, that I’m tempted to just skip this part. There were oodles of snitching; Col. Mustard continued his all out assault on decent posture; Whaboom and Stupid Blake both go home, but were they in cahoots the whole fucking time??????

The thing is, Rachel so thoroughly fillets Demario that I would be doing you, the reading public, a true disservice to not pay it a few sentences.

Demario shows up with some tired ass lines about how he was caught of guard and he’s gonna learn from pain and shit. Rachel then cuts him off and is like, “Cool, I hope you got something out of this cuz I’m not about it.” She dismisses his lame ass, but not before hitting him with this top 10 withering look

boibye

Boi. Bye.

The rest of the rose ceremony was the more or less the culmination of the ol’ Blake vs Boom feud of the past two weeks. They go back and forth over some bullshit. Whaboom makes up a spot of nonsense about how Blake has a crush on him (cuz dudes liking dudes is fucking hilarious, right?). Shit was so fucking stupid. There was more mud slinging and snitching by both parties, until at last we hit the rose ceremony.

In a turn that I was not expecting for a few more weeks, our dear ‘Lorette Rachel sent home not only Whaboom, but Blake as well. We were treated to a montage of them both talking about how much they hate each other before Blake decides to interrupt Whaboom’s interview and tell him just how much he hates him.

This kicks off a several minute shit storm full of gems like this:

Whaboom: It’s not about winning, it’s about the world brother. And you have no idea what the world means.

Blake: You’re the Whaboom clown, I’m the nice gentleman.

This whole situation has been so juicy from the start, but this ending felt a little too good to be true.

And now folks, get your tinfoil ready, we’re about to take a trip down conspiracy alley.

Blake and Whaboom have been working together the whole time

Exhibit A: Remember how Blake said he lived with Whaboom’s ex waaaaaay back when last week? Well, that description left more than a little out. Whaboom and Blake were on a reality show called Ex Isle where people live with their exes and and apparently Blake was a single brought on to tempt Whaboom’s former fling.

Exhibit B: During their rant-off, Blake talks about how he and Whaboom live in the same town, while Whaboom repeatedly mocks Blake for his job of being a trainer.

Exhibit C: aka the Smoking Gun

No way are those bros beefing. They know too much about each other, they’ve already appeared on TV together one time,  and look at these two motherfuckers just hanging at this party and having a fucking blast with their stupid friends. Here’s what I think their plan was all along:

Whaboom would act the fool. He’d increase his brand exposure and be all over TV and stupid internet blogs about the Bachelorette. Then, Blake gets to slide in and play the good guy, looking out for Rach. He then maybe has a shot and Whaboom gets his 15 minutes. They both go home happy. Problem is, they forgot the golden rule:

Don’t be a snitch

Rachel didn’t have time for any of that bullshit and rightly shut it down. Praise be, we can all move on with our lives (until they both are inevitably on Paradise at the same time).

First date of the week was a group date on Ellen. She asked the bros a bunch of questions, they had to strip in the audience, usual shit. Two takeaways from this date, Alex (who couldn’t name any bands other than Coldplay and the Beatles) moved up the leader board with his candor and abs, and Fred (who had been a camper when Rachel was a counselor way back when) acted like a little boy and got sent home.

I feel for the dude, I really do. He was super in to Rachel and she just couldn’t see him that way, but bruh, this fucking dude asked her if he could kiss her. Come on man.

And if that wasn’t bad enough, they had to hit the poor bastard with this fucking elevator shot as he’s being sent home

ooph

Look at how tight that is. And the harsh ass lighting. Come on, editors, give the poor schmoe a break. You can see like every pore on his face.

This was followed by a one on one with Anthony (who I’m pretty sure has had no screen time until this week) where they rode horses down Rodeo Drive and into the fuggin’ stores.

Quick pause, can you imagine being so rich that not only can you shop at all these bougie places, but you can then let your horse shit in em and just laugh about it? “Clean my horse’s shit you fucking store clerk peasant” is a level of rich I didn’t even know existed till this week.

Rachel and Anthony have chemistry, etc. The date is nice. They buy dumb clothes. By far the best part is all the people seeing Rachel and getting hyped about it. At one point, some dude yells, “IT’S THE ONE ON ONE!” We are all that dude.

The rest of the episode is more or less consumed by Col. Mustard (Eric) and all of his drama. Before I get into the nitty gritty, I have some sad news for everyone. Because this dude doesn’t know how to sit properly, I’m gonna have to bust Col. Mustard’s ass down to Major. He’s been demoted. From here on out, Col. Mustard will be known as Major Hunches. I mean, just look at this shit

This dude must have severe back pain. My neck hurts just looking at that. Look where his shoulders are, relative to his head. Fuck man. And that’s why he had to lose a rank. We can’t have a Colonel running around here looking like that. It’s bad for morale.

So we get a group date with a bunch of Rach’s friends (aka bitches from Nick’s season) and they take the fellas mud wrestling. This is Cuckolding Kenny’s time to shine, as it is literally his job. And the dude puts on a show. You can tell he’s a good worker by how he got the other guys to go along with it. If he doesn’t win it all (hell even if he does) WWE should hit him up just for that untapped WWE/Bachelor crossover appeal.

During this date, Raven (runner up on Nick’s season, best known for having never had an orgasm) asks Bryce, the transphobic firefighter, and Leigh, the wanna be Richard Spencer, who they think isn’t the best fit. They both say Maj. Hunches, presumably because he’s been bitching all episode and has apparently never been in love.

Another aside, I reallyhate when people say that type of shit. Love isn’t some kind of meter that you fill and once you get to a certain point, it’s love. This isn’t the goddamn Sims (although if it was, you best believe I’d be stealing pool ladders and watching motherfuckers drown). You dictate what is and isn’t love to you, cuz it’s subjective as hell. End rant.

So Bryce and Leigh lightly throw the Major under the bus, Raven tells Rach, Rach tells Major, Major gets mad them. Really, he gets mad at Leigh, because, frankly, Leigh is being a giant fuck. He trashes on Major, but then keeps saying he loves him. After the 30th time, Maj. Hunches asks Leigh what does that even mean. And it’s a great question. It seems like a fairly transparent attempt to get away with talking a lot of shit by couching it in some fake ass bro-love, but what do I know?

This beef continues into the next night (after Maj. Hunches gets the group date rose) at the cocktail party and finally blows up with Major yelling at Leigh about how his name is in his mouth, yadda yadda. The ep ends before shit gets good, so I imagine we’ll start next week off with a bang.

Before I let you go, I need to run one more theory by you.

Take a look at the picture below. What the fuck is that on Maj. Hunches’ face?

wtf

Occam’s Razor would have us think that it’s the fuzz from a new hoodie that Maj has carelessly worn before washing, but what if there were another explanation?

What if Major Hunches is a fucking alien and that’s some weird alien goop oozing out of his human head. Think about it, the dude claims to have never experienced love and has no idea what to do with his body. Not only is his posture crap, but this is how he hugs

dat-hug

Tell me that dude is human. I fucking dare you.

Addressing the Elephant in the Whaboom

It’s finally happened folks. After what felt like an interminable wait, at long last, we have more Bach’ise content.

Mind you, it is just the limo episode, 2 hours known more for bullshit antics than actual substance (or whatever that amounts to in this universe), but it is our first true glimpse at what these fucboi’s actually have to offer.

Obviously, any discussion of this first episode has to start with…

Fucking whaboom.

I’m not going to talk about Lucas and his… catchphrase? …occupation? …blatant attempt to sell merch? too much, as I think it really speaks for itself. The dude is obnoxious as fuck. Everybody knows somebody like this who just goes way too hard and is not funny. I’m pretty sure I occupied that role in the lives of most of my 7th grade classmates, but I, like most humans, was able to eventually overcome my extremely shitty nature and a become less offensive person to physically be near.

This dude has not.

Now, what I think is far more interesting about Lucas than his actual self is his continued existence on this show. Seasoned Bach veterans know this trope all too well. Every season, there’s some person who has no business staying, yet seems to make it through a rose ceremony or two to the bewilderment of the audience and the hilarious dismay of the people getting sent home. I mean, just imagine getting dumped for a dude whose most charming quality is he doesn’t talk while he juggles.

It is these characters that make us as viewers so acutely aware of the influence of producers on the product, because there is not a chance in hell Rachel chose this

over this

It just isn’t possible. The premier is usually when the heavy hand of the production team is most obvious and that makes sense. There’s plenty of fat to trim in terms of contestants (we started with 31 fucboi’s) and, because we don’t know any of these dudes, the first ep can be especially boring. We need idiots to spice it up, but where is the line?

That’s a tough question to answer, but you know it when we’ve crossed it, and folks, we’re on the other side of the damn Rubicon.

Lucas is so far from a suitable suitor that even I cannot suspend my disbelief. And unlike other obnoxious weirdos of past season (where fore art thou, Ashley S?), this dude plain sucks. There’s nothing remotely funny or entertaining about him. He just yells a bunch. Even the crop of other weirdos this season seems to be going too far. Take the tickle monster, Jonathan, for example.

Jonathan’s idea of a great first impression was to tickle not only the Bachelorette (without asking, mind you), but a few other fellow competitors as well. Leaving aside all of the issues of touching people without their consent, WHO THE FUCK EVER WANTS TO BE TICKLED? As my dear uncle used to say, “Tickle is torture” (coincidentally, that line is five syllables and just missed the cut for Jonathan’s haiku), which makes Jonathan the Mr. Blonde of this ragtag group of crooks trying to steal Rachel’s heart.

Luckily for us viewers, the Bachelor gods gave us one throwback weirdo, Adam. This dude showed up night one with this Michael Meyer’s looking doll that is his… son, I guess?

It was not imminently clear what role this doll plays in Adams life, but one thing is clear, it’s fucking odd. But it’s odd in a dumb, wholesome way that doesn’t make you hate your life and wonder why the fuck you waste so many hours of it watching this garbage.

All of this is to say, this first ep was just okay. Luckily, the This Season, on the Bachelorette montage hinted at some great things to come. We’ve got blood (possibly fake), a country singer who’s also an asshole (who saw that coming?), lots of tears, and maybe even some love™. Should be a wild ride

Quick Rips

[Every week, in this section, I give you some of my scorching-est takes]

  • I think Peter will win it all
  • Bryan is  douche and Rachel is dumb for liking him
  • Also, he kisses like a fucking Dementor
  • Cuckolding Kenny has grown on me
  • There are too many people with dead relatives this year
  • Someone at ABC own’s a majority stake in Whaboom Inc. and Lucas is going to be a part of our lives for a few more weeks
  • Using a penguin costume to hide your balding head is the kind of bold strategy that could only originate in the mind of a true genius
  • From here on out, I’ll be referring to Eric as Col. Mustard

Just look at that shit. Too fucking yellow.

Sad!

Don’t forget to join me next week as we continue on our quest to watch Rachel dump 30 bros in a matter of a few weeks.

Rachel’s Meat Market

Well, it’s that time of the year. Bachelorette is not fully back yet, but the smell of roses and right reasons is in the air, and ABC just released their preview of the cast of fellas that will be vying for the opportunity to break off their engagement with Rachel in a few months.

These profiles are great for a few reasons.

  1. They’re a great excuse to judge people on incredibly superficial stuff. Who doesn’t love that?
  2. ABC asks some really dumb questions
  3. They give some really dumb answers
  4. There are a lot of interesting ideas on what counts as an “occupation”

Now it would be a big task to go through all of these profiles and give you my full and honest opinion of these jabroni’s, and frankly, I don’t really feel like it. So here’s what I’ll do. I’ll give you their pic, some relevant Q&A’s, and a haiku highlighting my thoughts. If that’s not enough for you, well fuck you. Jk, we’re chill, but you gotta take it easy with those expectations. I am but one man.

Without further ado, let’s get it

Adam

What are your top 3 favorite movies? Transformers, The Pursuit of Happyness, The Wolf of Wall Street

You look so boring

You wannabe finance bro

Get the fucking ‘ludes

Alex

What is the most outrageous thing you have ever done? Ate a live salamander

Who are your top 3 favorite groups/artists & why? Coldplay, Beatles … Can’t really think of a third one. Music isn’t a big part of my life.

Avoid men like this

He may really be soulless

This fuck eats lizards

Anthony

If you could be someone else for just one day, who would it be and why? My mom. I wish I could see the world as she does to understand her better.

At last a good guy

He seems like he might not suck

Rachel, there is hope

Blake E.

Occupation: Aspiring Drummer

If you could watch any movie right now, what would it be, and why? The new 50 Shades of Grey movie because I love taboo sexy stuff.

This dude has no job

That movie is not sexy

Have you heard of porn?

Blake K.

Occupation: U.S. Marine Veteran

Do you have a serious fear of any kind of animal? Sharks! Have you ever seen Shark Week? I can’t get into the ocean for weeks after watching.

If you were stranded on a dessert island, what would it be made of? Chipotle because Chipotle is my life.

Yes I’ve seen shark week

Chipotle is so basic

Shout out to the troops

Brady

Occupation: Male Model

What do you do for fun in your hometown? Go to the beach. Go to the lake, golf, go sledding, go tackle snowmen.

What’s the most romantic present you have ever received and why? Lululemon sweatpants. She knew the way to my heart is cuddling on the couch in well-made, high-quality sweats.

Bro, where do you live?

Future yoga-pants mogul

But why male models?

Bryan

What is your favorite television show and why? Sports Center. I love sports and love talking sports with my friends, so I get most information from that show and sports talk radio. And believe it or not, The Bachelor/Bachelorette series. I’m fascinated by the interaction socially between a man and a woman in dating/relationship/marriage, etc.

What’s the most embarrassing style you’ve rocked? JNCO Jeans!! Sooooo baggy lol. Skate or die, man!! I looked ridiculous!

Sports/Sports/Sports

Marriage etc, bro

JNCO, so baggy

Bryce

Occupation: Firefighter

Would you describe yourself as “the party-starter,” “the wingman” or “the laid back one”? Laid back shot of gasoline when the fire starts to die.

What’s your biggest date fear? The chick is actually a dude.

Firefighting elf

“Laid back shot of gasoline”

Oh, you’re transphobic!

Dean

If you were stranded on a dessert island, what would it be made of? Hot Cheetos and mint chocolate chip ice cream

Tattoos: Mom’s initials on chest, artwork on back, friend’s initials on back, “Righteous” on inner lip, Latin on hip, Triforce on inner arm

Eating Hot Cheetos

I now dub thee Tattoo-Boi

Island made of gout 

DeMario

He is so boring

This haiku is hard to write

What a long necklace

Diggy

What’s your most embarrassing moment? When I was stranded on a toilet for hours in 5th grade

Tell us a fun story about a one night stand. I spent all day with this girl and she ended up coming home with me and we had sex. She then received a text saying her brother was missing, so I played asleep so I didn’t have to help!

Are those glasses real?

A life spent on the toilet

Missing brothers suck

Eric

If you were stranded on a desert island, what 3 things would you bring with you and why? And what, under any circumstance could you not tolerate on that island? Water, Book of Proverbs, phone. I could not tolerate negative people.

What is your favorite soft drink/juice? Green drink

Does not understand

Exactly how cell phones work

Green is not a drink

Fred

Ever have trouble in the bedroom? Or been turned on during the wrong time? We want to hear what happened! Yes, there are times that I get aroused at work and I have to go back to my desk to avoid being noticed.

Who is your favorite artist? Jean-Michel Basquiat

Swag like Carlton

Needs to learn to hide boner

At least he likes art

Grant

Do you follow a specific diet? See food diet. If I see it, I’ll eat it.

What are your favorite magazines? Playboy? 😉

Steal jokes from hooters

Gets his porn from magazines

Sounds like a winner

Iggy

Ever have trouble in the bedroom? Or been turned on during the wrong time? We want to hear what happened! I once got a boner during a board meeting. I had to present sitting down.

Who is your favorite artist? Dali

What do we have here?

Yet another horny bro

Who also likes art

Jack Stone

Occupation: Attorney

What is your favorite flower? Tulips. Basically, roses without thorns. There’s a metaphor somewhere there.

Tulips and roses

Aren’t even close to the same

Stick to lawyering

Jamey

Describe your best friend of the opposite sex and why she/she deserves that title: I do not have female friends.

Has no female friends

Probably because he sucks

Women are objects

Jedidiah

Tattoos: Cross on wrist, Proverbs 3:5 across back, wolf on left shoulder

What is your greatest achievement to date? Building my parents a 5,000-square-foot log home on 10 acres in Montana.

No one is impressed

We get it you like Jesus

Now fix your dumb face

Jonathan

Occupation: Tickle Monster

What is your most embarrassing moment? I had a mullet in 4th grade. My sister swears I wanted my hair cut that way. I like to believe that’s not true. Haha.

How do I begin?

Could you be more of a creep?

Mullets never die

Josiah

Occupation: Prosecuting Attorney

What are your favorite activities to do with a group? Jet skiing, gun range shooting, playing football

Another lawyer

Can you jet ski in a group?

That sounds dangerous

Kenny

Who is the person you love most in this world and why? My daughter. She is literally my reason for living. She makes my life better.

***Quickly Taken Down From His Bio***

What’s the wildest thing you’ve done in the bedroom? Had sex with a wife while her husband watched.

They took this part down

But this guy likes to cuckold

Does his daughter watch? 

Kyle

Gluten? Not really sure what it is or what food it lives in, but I select gluten-free menu options when I can.

Avoid all gluten

And you will live forever

Buttons are your friend

Lee

Who do you admire most in the world and why? My Mamaw! I admire how she adapts to the circumstances she faces enough to progress and successfully thrive. She survived the Depression as a kid, grew and raised an incredible family.

I assume Mawmaw

Is some kind of fancy bird

Good for you, bird mom

Lucas

Occupation: Whaboom

If you could have lunch with one person, who would it be and why? Dead: Bruce Jenner, Alive: Caitlyn Jenner …. Would be a very interesting convo.

What does whaboom mean?

Bruce Jenner isn’t dead, bro

He ceased to exist

Matt

Who do you admire most in the world and why? My parents for setting the bar when it comes to relationships as far as I’m concerned.

Shut your stupid face

My parents love each other

Way more than your’s do

Michael

Who is your favorite actor and why? Denzel, because every movie he was in were all classics and for him to act in several different characters is very impressive.

So apparently

All these mofos love Denzel

Is this a race thing?

Milton

What do you hope to get out of participating in this television show? Real answer? Discovered. Everyone tells me I’m made for TV/movies. Doesn’t mean I’m out here hoping for that, but I would like to break into writing or acting.

At least he’s honest

And he leaves no shred of doubt

Fuck your right reason

Mohit

What’s the wildest thing you’ve done in the bedroom? One word: Tabasco.

I feel for this guy

Behold a token brown dude

He likes spicy sex

Peter

What is your greatest achievement to date? Three Ironmans. One on a broken foot.

Color me impressed

Three Ironmans is a lot

I’ve only fucked one

Rob

What kind of music do you listen to most often? When I work, chill electronic with no words. When I’m just chilling, acoustic guitar sets.

If you could be any superhero, which one would you be and why? Superman! He’s got the coolest superpowers and is also a U.S. alien, like me!

If you could have lunch with one person who would it be and why? Buddha. So I could discuss his philosophies on detachment, suffering and divinity.

Your music tastes suck

Superman is from Krypton

Buddha would hate you

Will

Meatloaf said he would “do anything for love, but he won’t do that.” What will you not do? Be someone’s second choice.

If you are second

Does it really count as love?

I’d have to say no

Phewwwwwwwwwwwwww.

There you have it folks. 31 dudes. 31 works of perfect poetry. There are some real duds in this cast (aren’t there always?) and I can’t wait to find out who actually sucks and who only kind of sucks.

From the early returns, it looks like we’ll have a lot of douches, but that isn’t too surprising. I only hope our intrepid ‘Lorette can navigate these turd filled waters and come out the other side engaged to some one who isn’t Alex. Seriously, fuck that dude. Who doesn’t listen to music?

If you have any brilliant haikus of your own, please send ’em my way @ConnieBongrips or leave ’em in the comments.

When next we meet, we’ll have an actual show to discuss. Bout fucking time

Bach Ramblings Vol. 420Yolo Bachelorette Dreamin’

Connie Bongrips here to give you all that hot ass Bach talk you know you need. This week was hometowns, aka invite this dude you barely know to meet your fam, while they grill him about the 3 other chicks he’s trying to bang. It’s usually awkward and can provide some real hilarity. This year it was pretty mellow ep (except of course for Casa de Jojo) so me here at Connie Bongrips is gonna do a quick and durty recap, followed by the case each of these ladies could make to become next season’s Bachelorette. With that said, let’s get into it.

First hometown was for Amanda (aka A-mom-da), now this was obvs all about her kids, Kingston and Charlie (who me here at Connie Bongrips really wishes was named Jarley) and if Ben could handle it. He did fine. The kids were cute, he handled it well, but the A-mom-da’s fam started really laying it on Ben about how he had to be absolutely sure he wanted kids, yadda yadda yadda. That was pretty much it. On to the next.

Lauren’s hometown was much chiller, she took Ben to some food trucks and to a fucking whiskey library (ladies, take note, if you ever have the good fortune to take me here at Connie Bongrips on a one on one date, a whiskey library is a good place to start) before introducing him to her vanilla ass fam. Everything went smoove. Nothing to see here.

Then we had Caila’s hometown, which was less fun looking. Her and Ben made a play house in a factory. Yeah… In other news, Caila’s dad is pretty creepy looking, so there’s that. He looks like Mr. Rodger’s even more pervy brother, Chip.

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Lastly, and certainly not leastly, Jojo’s hometown. This date started off great, with Jojo getting flowers and a letter from her apparently shitty ex boyfriend, Chad (lol, has anyone named Chad ever not been a douche?) that got her all upset. By the time our intrepid Bach showed up, ol’ Jojo was in tears, leaving Ben fairly confused. She told him what was going on, and Ben was concerned, but not too concerned. Then we met her family.

Now there was all kinds of awesome to dissect about this meeting of the minds. First off, there’s the physical appearance of Jojo’s family.

First there’s mom:

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Mom is about two surgeries away from a free face-lift.

Then there’s dad:

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Dad is Hitler’s fat, spoiled nephew.

Then there’s the brothers:

jojo-fletcher-brothers-zoom-5da5f220-691e-4062-ae7d-be1f21ffb63b

Not only do these bros look douchey AF (seriously, what is the deal with left-bro’s collar?) but they were so overly protective of Jojo it made me here at Connie Bongrips wonder if maybe they’re trying to hit. Weird fam.

The date began to devolve as the bros really started being dicks to Ben and Jojo and Mom got more and more drunk, culminating is this glorious moment where Mom skips straight shots and just pops bottles.

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But she wasn’t done there. As Jojo walks Ben out to the car, Mom graces us with her presence one last time

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Like a wasted guardian angel.

Jojo’s Mom is the real MVP of this episode and completely salvaged what would’ve been a relatively boring ep. Good on you, Mom.

At the rose ceremony, Ben sent A-mom-da home, which makes sense. Kids suck even when they’re your own. Imagine raising someone else’s shitty kids. Hard pass. It was sad to see A-mom-da go, as she did seem genuinely sweet, but that’s the price you pay for having kids way too young with a dude who sucks.

Now seems as good a time as any to wildly speculate on potential Bachelorette candidates, so let’s just jump right into that.

Lauren

Pros: Cute, nice, blonde.

Cons: It’s hard to be the Bachelorette when you’re already engaged to Ben Higgins.

Likelihood: No fucking way. She’s gonna win.

Caila

Pros: Cute, nice, brunette. Says she’s not sure if she can love anyone. The Bach producers looooooooooove this kind of shit (see: Kaitlyn’s guard and Ben’s “I’m scared I can’t be loved”) so she’s got that going for her.

Cons: Pretty boring, no drama, too positive, creepy-looking dad.

Likelihood: Eh, maybe?

Jojo

Pros: Hot, nice, hair color. Her secret love past is certainly an intriguing X factor, and she is very very hot. Her family is great television, and it would be a missed opportunity to not have them on TV more.

Cons: Pretty boring, but that could change if we find out more about her secret past (please let it be a secret lesbian relationship with a married woman), no catchphrase for why she can’t find love (once again, if only she would tell us about her secret lesbian past, maybe this wouldn’t be the case).

Likelihood: Very possible. She’s quite hot.

A-mom-da

Pros: Hot, nice, blonde. She’s a mom, which ‘Murica fucking loves. Also, I’m sure the producers would love the opportunity to finally get a single mom some action. In all the time me here at Connie Bongrips has been watching the Bach, we’ve never had a mom make it this far. This is big, and it seems likely the producers are going to pounce on this opportunity.

Cons: She’s a mom, which is kinda boring. Kids are lame and might cockblock.

Likelihood: Most likely. Seems impossible that the producers would pass on the chance to do something a little different. If she’s the ‘Chelorette next season, then me here at Connie Bongrips is very excited to see the hilarious ways that dudes are gonna try to show her that they are down with kids. Maybe we’ll get a few single dads too. Would probably be a worthwhile watch.

Well there you have it. Next week is fantasy suites (aka Pound Town) where our intrepid Bach will find out who fucks the best. Safe money is on Jojo, but maybe Caila is a secret freak whose been waiting for this moment to shine. Only time will tell.

‘Chalorette Week 3cap

This week, me here at Connie Bongrips was treated to an especially juicy ep of ‘Chalorette. Things kicked off right where we left them with Kupah “I’m pulling the race card despite there being two other men of color still left” Angry-Pants yelling at the producers about how Kaitlyn wronged him yada yada. This outburst is amazing for a couple reasons.

  1. The aforementioned use of the race card when it doesn’t really seem to apply
  2. There’s nothing better than a man telling a woman she doesn’t know what she’s thinking
  3. Trying to give the producers your spin on events is a bit of a futile effort, as they have been poring over hours of footage from the event your talking about. Something tells me they have a better idea of how things played out than you do
  4. Lol at trying to act like you didn’t like the boxing date.
  5. Talking about how it wasn’t fair to him. BIIIIIIIIIITCH, this the Bachelorette. It only matters if it’s fair to Kaitlyn. You’re just a pretty piece of ass served up to her by ABC.

Once we got Krazy Kupah out of the house, it was time to move onto the rose ceremony, which only had one real surprise. How the fuck did Corey (the currently employed I-Bankers, not to be confused with JJ the totally unemployed former I-banker) not get cut. The dude looks like this:

and he’s boring as fuck. Send his bland ass home.

This was followed up by the first group date of the ep… A FUCKING SUMO-OFF. Our boys were roused at the crack of sometime to put on diapers and grope each other. This naturally led to some hilarity, as dudes in diapers will always be somewhat amusing. It was not all fun and games, however, as Connie Bongrips favorite Tony the Healer’s spiritual center was in danger of succumbing to the aggression that surrounded him.

Poor Tony, such a gentle soul. He needed to remove himself from the situation and question whether Kaitlyn and all of her aggression-championing dates were for him. Homeboy just wants to go the the zoo and look at some fucking animals, jah feel?

Ultimately Tony decided he needed to get home to his dog and his bonsai trees (not making that up) and me here at Connie Bongrips could not be sadder to see him go. In the three short weeks he’s been with us, Tony has given us gems like

  • “Britt’s box is pulsating with energy”
  • His entire stand up routine
  • “I have the eyes of a child, the heart of a warrior, and the soul of a gypsy” (he said this twice this week. fucking gold)

That’s all I got off the top of my head, but me here at Connie Bongrips can’t help but wonder if ‘Chalorette will suffer in his absence. I’ll pour out some yerba mate for ya, big guy.

Surprising no one “First Impression” Shaun got the group date rose. This dude is firing on all cylinders right now and is making a real push to end the First Impression Curse. Whether his knockoff Ryan Gosling looks will be enough, we shall just have to wait and see.

Next we had another curveball thrown at us, this time by esteemed matchmaker extraordinaire, Chris Harrison, who paired our intrepid Bachelorette with towering man-hunk Ben Z (Benny Z, Benny Z, Benny Z Z Z), on a secret date, that ended up being a mix between a haunted house and a scavenger hunt. Ben Z fucking whacks this date out the park, using his calm, cool, collected manner to navigate a room filled with spooky bullshit and a bathroom literally covered in snakes and win the heart (and rose) of Kaitlyn. He followed it up with a classic convo about his dead mommy and how he can’t cry any more. Fucking brilliant. Last season Kaitlyn had her guard. This season Ben has his. Kaitlyn is gonna try so hard to break that motherfucker down that he’s pretty much guaranteed to stick around til that first salty drop comes out. That’s playing the game like a goddamn champ.

We finish off the dates with a sex ed class. While this is certainly a lame ass date to go on (fuck kids) it is a true delight to spectate. We had child actors asking questions we weren’t even allowed to hear, while mortified man-children tried to explain periods to them. While we’re on the subject of censorship-

What’s the fucking deal with ABC? Sometimes we get the dark box (see Jillian’s ass on the last season of the Bachelor). Sometimes we get the pixelation (sumo-off). Where’s the consistency, ABC? Also, how come you can’t say penis on ‘Chalorette? That’s its name. Penis. Totally normal word. You can’t say penis, but you can say balls? I’m confused.

Anywhooo, pretty much all the dudes bombed in spectacular, awkward fashion, with the lone exception being Ben H. Ben was able to stave off the weirdness and deliver a sex ed lecture that might not actually ruin these kids forever. Great job! He then went on to say all the right things at the after-date and won himself the rose. Good for him, bad for us. Kaitlyn, please, for the love of god, pick one Ben. I know you like them both, but this using their last initial thing is getting pretty damn old. And pick Ben Z. He’s super cute

And now, me at Connie Bongrips gets to the meat of this ep: Clint and JJ.

All week, we, the viewing public, have been teased with scenes of Clint and JJ hanging out over voice-overs talking about not expecting to find love with a man. If you’ve ever watched Bach or ‘Chalorette, then you know that the editing wizards love to make fake narratives (see last years tent BJ that never happened). That was what me at Connie Bongrips assumed was going on during these little teasers. Boy was I wrong. It seems Clint may legitimately be interested in JJ, either that or he really likes him as a friend and is just making a bunch of gay jokes (cuz isn’t it funny that dudes sometimes like eachother?). Clint spent the whole ep ignoring Kaitlyn and trying to get closer with JJ, who, for his part, seems somewhat interested, but more interested in finding a new mommy for his daughter (not to judge, but I bet that kid sucks, just look at her dad). I’m not sure how this will play out, with Clint def getting sent home (not gonna miss his “Villians gonna vill” catchphrase that he has busted out a minimum of 3 times already [at an average of 1 per ep]), but I hope both men find happiness. Actually, that’s a lie. JJ is a conceited prick, I hope he finds misery.

Can’t wait to see the rose ceremony. Now here’s the power rankings

  1. Tony- I know he’s eliminated, but he’s number one in our hearts here at Connie Bongrips. He’s staying here forever
  2. Ben Z- power moves son. power moves
  3. Shaun- jumped out to an early lead, can he hold on?
  4. Ben H- group date roses help raise your profile
  5. Jared- here solely for the frequency he shows up in the “This season on ‘Chalorette”
  6. Joshua- his awe-shucks ‘tude and his terrible fashion sense have really won me over. seems legit sweet
  7. Joe- funniest dude on the show and it’s not even close. that counts for something with Kaitlyn
  8. Ian- should probably be higher up, but he’s sooooooooooo boring
  9. Jonathan- dude’s real good looking. that’s gotta count for something, right?
  10. Chris- the dentist sneaks into the top 10 by virtue of his surprisingly strong showing at the stand up date
  11. Tanner- here we’re entering the meh-range. Tanner is the poster child for this group
  12. Ryan- or maybe Ryan is. they’re both bland as fuck
  13. Justin- another dude with a kid? shit’s played out, bro
  14. Clint- I know he’s going home, but he won me at Connie Bongrips’ heart with that drawingI mean come on! that’s a fucking masterpiece
  15. JJ- total noob. get him off my damn show
  16. Corey- this candy-apple looking motherfucker’s gotsta go

See you next week. May your box always be pulsating with energy