Rachel’s Meat Market

Well, it’s that time of the year. Bachelorette is not fully back yet, but the smell of roses and right reasons is in the air, and ABC just released their preview of the cast of fellas that will be vying for the opportunity to break off their engagement with Rachel in a few months.

These profiles are great for a few reasons.

  1. They’re a great excuse to judge people on incredibly superficial stuff. Who doesn’t love that?
  2. ABC asks some really dumb questions
  3. They give some really dumb answers
  4. There are a lot of interesting ideas on what counts as an “occupation”

Now it would be a big task to go through all of these profiles and give you my full and honest opinion of these jabroni’s, and frankly, I don’t really feel like it. So here’s what I’ll do. I’ll give you their pic, some relevant Q&A’s, and a haiku highlighting my thoughts. If that’s not enough for you, well fuck you. Jk, we’re chill, but you gotta take it easy with those expectations. I am but one man.

Without further ado, let’s get it

Adam

What are your top 3 favorite movies? Transformers, The Pursuit of Happyness, The Wolf of Wall Street

You look so boring

You wannabe finance bro

Get the fucking ‘ludes

Alex

What is the most outrageous thing you have ever done? Ate a live salamander

Who are your top 3 favorite groups/artists & why? Coldplay, Beatles … Can’t really think of a third one. Music isn’t a big part of my life.

Avoid men like this

He may really be soulless

This fuck eats lizards

Anthony

If you could be someone else for just one day, who would it be and why? My mom. I wish I could see the world as she does to understand her better.

At last a good guy

He seems like he might not suck

Rachel, there is hope

Blake E.

Occupation: Aspiring Drummer

If you could watch any movie right now, what would it be, and why? The new 50 Shades of Grey movie because I love taboo sexy stuff.

This dude has no job

That movie is not sexy

Have you heard of porn?

Blake K.

Occupation: U.S. Marine Veteran

Do you have a serious fear of any kind of animal? Sharks! Have you ever seen Shark Week? I can’t get into the ocean for weeks after watching.

If you were stranded on a dessert island, what would it be made of? Chipotle because Chipotle is my life.

Yes I’ve seen shark week

Chipotle is so basic

Shout out to the troops

Brady

Occupation: Male Model

What do you do for fun in your hometown? Go to the beach. Go to the lake, golf, go sledding, go tackle snowmen.

What’s the most romantic present you have ever received and why? Lululemon sweatpants. She knew the way to my heart is cuddling on the couch in well-made, high-quality sweats.

Bro, where do you live?

Future yoga-pants mogul

But why male models?

Bryan

What is your favorite television show and why? Sports Center. I love sports and love talking sports with my friends, so I get most information from that show and sports talk radio. And believe it or not, The Bachelor/Bachelorette series. I’m fascinated by the interaction socially between a man and a woman in dating/relationship/marriage, etc.

What’s the most embarrassing style you’ve rocked? JNCO Jeans!! Sooooo baggy lol. Skate or die, man!! I looked ridiculous!

Sports/Sports/Sports

Marriage etc, bro

JNCO, so baggy

Bryce

Occupation: Firefighter

Would you describe yourself as “the party-starter,” “the wingman” or “the laid back one”? Laid back shot of gasoline when the fire starts to die.

What’s your biggest date fear? The chick is actually a dude.

Firefighting elf

“Laid back shot of gasoline”

Oh, you’re transphobic!

Dean

If you were stranded on a dessert island, what would it be made of? Hot Cheetos and mint chocolate chip ice cream

Tattoos: Mom’s initials on chest, artwork on back, friend’s initials on back, “Righteous” on inner lip, Latin on hip, Triforce on inner arm

Eating Hot Cheetos

I now dub thee Tattoo-Boi

Island made of gout 

DeMario

He is so boring

This haiku is hard to write

What a long necklace

Diggy

What’s your most embarrassing moment? When I was stranded on a toilet for hours in 5th grade

Tell us a fun story about a one night stand. I spent all day with this girl and she ended up coming home with me and we had sex. She then received a text saying her brother was missing, so I played asleep so I didn’t have to help!

Are those glasses real?

A life spent on the toilet

Missing brothers suck

Eric

If you were stranded on a desert island, what 3 things would you bring with you and why? And what, under any circumstance could you not tolerate on that island? Water, Book of Proverbs, phone. I could not tolerate negative people.

What is your favorite soft drink/juice? Green drink

Does not understand

Exactly how cell phones work

Green is not a drink

Fred

Ever have trouble in the bedroom? Or been turned on during the wrong time? We want to hear what happened! Yes, there are times that I get aroused at work and I have to go back to my desk to avoid being noticed.

Who is your favorite artist? Jean-Michel Basquiat

Swag like Carlton

Needs to learn to hide boner

At least he likes art

Grant

Do you follow a specific diet? See food diet. If I see it, I’ll eat it.

What are your favorite magazines? Playboy? 😉

Steal jokes from hooters

Gets his porn from magazines

Sounds like a winner

Iggy

Ever have trouble in the bedroom? Or been turned on during the wrong time? We want to hear what happened! I once got a boner during a board meeting. I had to present sitting down.

Who is your favorite artist? Dali

What do we have here?

Yet another horny bro

Who also likes art

Jack Stone

Occupation: Attorney

What is your favorite flower? Tulips. Basically, roses without thorns. There’s a metaphor somewhere there.

Tulips and roses

Aren’t even close to the same

Stick to lawyering

Jamey

Describe your best friend of the opposite sex and why she/she deserves that title: I do not have female friends.

Has no female friends

Probably because he sucks

Women are objects

Jedidiah

Tattoos: Cross on wrist, Proverbs 3:5 across back, wolf on left shoulder

What is your greatest achievement to date? Building my parents a 5,000-square-foot log home on 10 acres in Montana.

No one is impressed

We get it you like Jesus

Now fix your dumb face

Jonathan

Occupation: Tickle Monster

What is your most embarrassing moment? I had a mullet in 4th grade. My sister swears I wanted my hair cut that way. I like to believe that’s not true. Haha.

How do I begin?

Could you be more of a creep?

Mullets never die

Josiah

Occupation: Prosecuting Attorney

What are your favorite activities to do with a group? Jet skiing, gun range shooting, playing football

Another lawyer

Can you jet ski in a group?

That sounds dangerous

Kenny

Who is the person you love most in this world and why? My daughter. She is literally my reason for living. She makes my life better.

***Quickly Taken Down From His Bio***

What’s the wildest thing you’ve done in the bedroom? Had sex with a wife while her husband watched.

They took this part down

But this guy likes to cuckold

Does his daughter watch? 

Kyle

Gluten? Not really sure what it is or what food it lives in, but I select gluten-free menu options when I can.

Avoid all gluten

And you will live forever

Buttons are your friend

Lee

Who do you admire most in the world and why? My Mamaw! I admire how she adapts to the circumstances she faces enough to progress and successfully thrive. She survived the Depression as a kid, grew and raised an incredible family.

I assume Mawmaw

Is some kind of fancy bird

Good for you, bird mom

Lucas

Occupation: Whaboom

If you could have lunch with one person, who would it be and why? Dead: Bruce Jenner, Alive: Caitlyn Jenner …. Would be a very interesting convo.

What does whaboom mean?

Bruce Jenner isn’t dead, bro

He ceased to exist

Matt

Who do you admire most in the world and why? My parents for setting the bar when it comes to relationships as far as I’m concerned.

Shut your stupid face

My parents love each other

Way more than your’s do

Michael

Who is your favorite actor and why? Denzel, because every movie he was in were all classics and for him to act in several different characters is very impressive.

So apparently

All these mofos love Denzel

Is this a race thing?

Milton

What do you hope to get out of participating in this television show? Real answer? Discovered. Everyone tells me I’m made for TV/movies. Doesn’t mean I’m out here hoping for that, but I would like to break into writing or acting.

At least he’s honest

And he leaves no shred of doubt

Fuck your right reason

Mohit

What’s the wildest thing you’ve done in the bedroom? One word: Tabasco.

I feel for this guy

Behold a token brown dude

He likes spicy sex

Peter

What is your greatest achievement to date? Three Ironmans. One on a broken foot.

Color me impressed

Three Ironmans is a lot

I’ve only fucked one

Rob

What kind of music do you listen to most often? When I work, chill electronic with no words. When I’m just chilling, acoustic guitar sets.

If you could be any superhero, which one would you be and why? Superman! He’s got the coolest superpowers and is also a U.S. alien, like me!

If you could have lunch with one person who would it be and why? Buddha. So I could discuss his philosophies on detachment, suffering and divinity.

Your music tastes suck

Superman is from Krypton

Buddha would hate you

Will

Meatloaf said he would “do anything for love, but he won’t do that.” What will you not do? Be someone’s second choice.

If you are second

Does it really count as love?

I’d have to say no

Phewwwwwwwwwwwwww.

There you have it folks. 31 dudes. 31 works of perfect poetry. There are some real duds in this cast (aren’t there always?) and I can’t wait to find out who actually sucks and who only kind of sucks.

From the early returns, it looks like we’ll have a lot of douches, but that isn’t too surprising. I only hope our intrepid ‘Lorette can navigate these turd filled waters and come out the other side engaged to some one who isn’t Alex. Seriously, fuck that dude. Who doesn’t listen to music?

If you have any brilliant haikus of your own, please send ’em my way @ConnieBongrips or leave ’em in the comments.

When next we meet, we’ll have an actual show to discuss. Bout fucking time

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And we’re back

Well folks, it feels like years since last I put digital pen to e-paper, and it was. Looking back, the last time I posted, Ben was Bachelor, we knew nothing about the Rodgers family drama, Nick was a fleeting memory in the rearview mirror, and Chris Soules had yet to kill anyone.

Simpler times.

Well I spent the last few years chilling on a beach in Vallarta, drinking tequila with Jorge and getting tan as fuck.

But enough about me, I’m back, and so is the content. We’re gonna have Bachelor (and ‘lorette) writeups, some other miscellaneous reality tv, and, if I’m feeling especially generous, a podcast.

Stay tuned, a preview of the cast of Rachel’s man-meat is in the pipeline

Bach Ramblings Vol. 420Yolo Bachelorette Dreamin’

Connie Bongrips here to give you all that hot ass Bach talk you know you need. This week was hometowns, aka invite this dude you barely know to meet your fam, while they grill him about the 3 other chicks he’s trying to bang. It’s usually awkward and can provide some real hilarity. This year it was pretty mellow ep (except of course for Casa de Jojo) so me here at Connie Bongrips is gonna do a quick and durty recap, followed by the case each of these ladies could make to become next season’s Bachelorette. With that said, let’s get into it.

First hometown was for Amanda (aka A-mom-da), now this was obvs all about her kids, Kingston and Charlie (who me here at Connie Bongrips really wishes was named Jarley) and if Ben could handle it. He did fine. The kids were cute, he handled it well, but the A-mom-da’s fam started really laying it on Ben about how he had to be absolutely sure he wanted kids, yadda yadda yadda. That was pretty much it. On to the next.

Lauren’s hometown was much chiller, she took Ben to some food trucks and to a fucking whiskey library (ladies, take note, if you ever have the good fortune to take me here at Connie Bongrips on a one on one date, a whiskey library is a good place to start) before introducing him to her vanilla ass fam. Everything went smoove. Nothing to see here.

Then we had Caila’s hometown, which was less fun looking. Her and Ben made a play house in a factory. Yeah… In other news, Caila’s dad is pretty creepy looking, so there’s that. He looks like Mr. Rodger’s even more pervy brother, Chip.

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Lastly, and certainly not leastly, Jojo’s hometown. This date started off great, with Jojo getting flowers and a letter from her apparently shitty ex boyfriend, Chad (lol, has anyone named Chad ever not been a douche?) that got her all upset. By the time our intrepid Bach showed up, ol’ Jojo was in tears, leaving Ben fairly confused. She told him what was going on, and Ben was concerned, but not too concerned. Then we met her family.

Now there was all kinds of awesome to dissect about this meeting of the minds. First off, there’s the physical appearance of Jojo’s family.

First there’s mom:

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Mom is about two surgeries away from a free face-lift.

Then there’s dad:

jojo-dad-bachelor-w352

Dad is Hitler’s fat, spoiled nephew.

Then there’s the brothers:

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Not only do these bros look douchey AF (seriously, what is the deal with left-bro’s collar?) but they were so overly protective of Jojo it made me here at Connie Bongrips wonder if maybe they’re trying to hit. Weird fam.

The date began to devolve as the bros really started being dicks to Ben and Jojo and Mom got more and more drunk, culminating is this glorious moment where Mom skips straight shots and just pops bottles.

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But she wasn’t done there. As Jojo walks Ben out to the car, Mom graces us with her presence one last time

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Like a wasted guardian angel.

Jojo’s Mom is the real MVP of this episode and completely salvaged what would’ve been a relatively boring ep. Good on you, Mom.

At the rose ceremony, Ben sent A-mom-da home, which makes sense. Kids suck even when they’re your own. Imagine raising someone else’s shitty kids. Hard pass. It was sad to see A-mom-da go, as she did seem genuinely sweet, but that’s the price you pay for having kids way too young with a dude who sucks.

Now seems as good a time as any to wildly speculate on potential Bachelorette candidates, so let’s just jump right into that.

Lauren

Pros: Cute, nice, blonde.

Cons: It’s hard to be the Bachelorette when you’re already engaged to Ben Higgins.

Likelihood: No fucking way. She’s gonna win.

Caila

Pros: Cute, nice, brunette. Says she’s not sure if she can love anyone. The Bach producers looooooooooove this kind of shit (see: Kaitlyn’s guard and Ben’s “I’m scared I can’t be loved”) so she’s got that going for her.

Cons: Pretty boring, no drama, too positive, creepy-looking dad.

Likelihood: Eh, maybe?

Jojo

Pros: Hot, nice, hair color. Her secret love past is certainly an intriguing X factor, and she is very very hot. Her family is great television, and it would be a missed opportunity to not have them on TV more.

Cons: Pretty boring, but that could change if we find out more about her secret past (please let it be a secret lesbian relationship with a married woman), no catchphrase for why she can’t find love (once again, if only she would tell us about her secret lesbian past, maybe this wouldn’t be the case).

Likelihood: Very possible. She’s quite hot.

A-mom-da

Pros: Hot, nice, blonde. She’s a mom, which ‘Murica fucking loves. Also, I’m sure the producers would love the opportunity to finally get a single mom some action. In all the time me here at Connie Bongrips has been watching the Bach, we’ve never had a mom make it this far. This is big, and it seems likely the producers are going to pounce on this opportunity.

Cons: She’s a mom, which is kinda boring. Kids are lame and might cockblock.

Likelihood: Most likely. Seems impossible that the producers would pass on the chance to do something a little different. If she’s the ‘Chelorette next season, then me here at Connie Bongrips is very excited to see the hilarious ways that dudes are gonna try to show her that they are down with kids. Maybe we’ll get a few single dads too. Would probably be a worthwhile watch.

Well there you have it. Next week is fantasy suites (aka Pound Town) where our intrepid Bach will find out who fucks the best. Safe money is on Jojo, but maybe Caila is a secret freak whose been waiting for this moment to shine. Only time will tell.

Bach Ramblings Vol 69: Don’t Call it a Comeback

Hello fam, it’s me here at Connie Bongrips. Exxxtra extra read all about it, Connie is back bitches. Unfortunately, me here at Connie Bongrips has been slacking like a motherfucker, and it’s been 3 whole weeks since the world has heard the gospel. And it’s been a busy 3 weeks (both in BachCity and it Connie’s life). Gonna try real hard to recap everything, but fuck a lotta shit happened, and it may be impossible to do it all justice.

We gotta start with the Mouth, cuz where else does it start? Bitch had a wild couple o’ weeks. First there was SnitchFest ’16, where Emily (goalie twin) and co. snitched on the Mouth for being a beyotch. Then the almighty editors decided to not do a rose ceremony that ep and teased a potential rose revoking for the Mouth. In classic editor fashion, it was all bullshit and Ben sent lame azz Jennifer home. But that’s not where it ends.

The next ep (last week’s, for those keeping score at home, cuz fuck you, me here at Connie Bongrips am trying) had more Mouth-based drama, plus a surprise serving of bitchery from Leah (of being a the fucking clown fame) of all place. Leah realized, quite correctly, that she was totally fucked and Ben wasn’t trying to hit, so she responded the way any fuckboi would, by throwing frontrunner (and fo sho gonna win golden girl) Lauren B under the bus, telling our intrepid Bach that she was not being herself around him. The thought being, if she could knock off Lauren B. (lol, nice try, she’s gonna win, right?) then she wouldn’t get sent home. Well all that shit backfired and Ben sent her triflin azz home, but not before she blessed us with a fuckload of hilarious lines about how Ben wasn’t giving her a chance and how she’d make him so happy blah blah blahhhhhhhhh.

But Leah’s surprising bitchery aside, this episode was also the MUTHERFUCKING 2-ON-1 aka everyone’s fave date. And Ben decided to go balls to the walls snitcher vs snitchee in a Goalie Twin vs Mouth 2-on-1 to decide the fate of the house.

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The Mouth was so hilariously confident going into this date, talking bout how she’s got it in the bag and she wasn’t even scared. Turns out, she was wrong AF. The date took place on a tiny ass island and pretty much consisted of each lady pitching Ben her respective merits, before Ben hilariously kicked the Mouth’s ass to the curb. Sadly the internet isn’t giving me here at Connie Bongrips any good pics of the Mouth being sadly left on the island while Ben and goalie twin jetted off to finger-blast each other (probably) cuz that scene was funny as fuck. But what can ya do?

Then we got a rose ceremony, and Lauren H. went home. Who fucking cares? This just means we can stop calling the presumptive winner Lauren B and just call her Lauren.

Phew. Now we’re caught up to this week, the week before hometowns, where shit gets real. TBH this week went exactly how me here at Connie Bongrips thought it would, right down to the fucking dates.

First, we had Lauren, doing a victory tour of Ben’s hometown (via the first one on one), where she got to go to his YMCA type thing and smooch him in front of Paul George, then she went to his local bar and got to smooch him in front of his friends. He liked it all, duh. Can we just call it? She won. Like, she’s gonna win. In the bag.

Then Jojo got her reaffirming date at Wrigley (although real talk, she’s #2 and ain’t gonna win, barring some kind of colossal fuck up by Lauren) where she got to be hot in Cub’s jersey and hang with Ben. Not much else happened. She’s runner up, maybe Bachelorette.

Then there was the group date. And let’s take a moment to talk about how ungrateful these bitches are about group dates. The last 2 weeks, the group dates have been a total fucking bummer cuz these ladies just fucking bitch the whole time. Chill ladies, you’re on the Bachelor, no shit your man is into other ladies. He’s literally dating 6 women RN. Chill.

This group date heavily featured Amanda talking about her kids (with hometowns around the corner that shit is on her mind), Caila continuing to be good not great, and Becca being a fucking rain cloud. Wanna know a way to make some one feel like you don’t have a connection? Keep telling him that you don’t feel like he’s giving you the validation he’s giving other women. That was Becca’s lame ass strategy, and it didn’t work. After a weird boat ride in a pond, where it was made apparent no one on this show knows how a rowboat works, and some kite flying, Ben chose to give the rose to Amanda. This prompted Becca to say, “How much validation does one person need?”

This is a valid question for 99% of the bitches who come on the Bachelor. However, when that woman is a mother, like Amanda, the answer is a lot. Like, she’s abandoned her children to be here. Every week, Ben needs to be positive he wants to keep her around, otherwise he’s dickin’ these kids out of having a mom, and that’s fucked. So yeah, she needs more validation than your average BachHoe. To top it all off, the validation she got was a dinner at McDonald’s and a trip to the county fair (whoopty fucking doo). Fuck you Becca. You’re so boring.

Quick aside. If Becca is somehow made the Bachelorette, me here at Connie Bongrips is gonna boycott. This bitch is so boring. She doesn’t even fuck. Not my Bachelorette. That is all.

Then we get Emily (aka Goalie Twin)’s one on one. This date was clearly Ben not feeling it (she’s way too young for marriage) and wanting some validation, so he took her to his parent’s house, to get his parents to tell him what he already knew. No one thought they were right for each other, and after some talk and a boat ride back to the ladies’ house, Ben let Goalie Twin go. She’ll be fine. She wants to be a cheerleader.

This left us with one bitch to go home at the rose ceremony. And it was super obvious who it was gonna be.

Becca sucks.

And her ass got sent home.

Not my bachelorette.

That leaves us with Lauren, Jojo, Caila, and Amanda for hometowns. Shit is about to get real real real real real REAL.

Right now it’s a tight race for second. Cuz let’s be real, Lauren’s gonna win. See you fools next week (me here at Connie Bongrips promises) for hometowns. Should be good.

PS, this ep of Bach Ramblings brought to you by Eagle Rare, the best damn bourbon a man can get. Forgive the typos, editing is for fuckboiz

Bach Ramblings Vol. 3: Mrs. Mouth’s Wild Ride

Another week in the books, so you know what that means, it’s time for some #BachTalk, and you know that me here at Connie Bongrips loves some #Bach talk. Let’s get into it.

This week saw our crew de bitches + Bach leaving LA for the first time this season and heading to Vegas baby, Vegas. While not particularly exotic, it certainly leaves open the possibility for some chill ass dates.

First off, is Jojo, our resident Isla Fisher (redhead from Wedding Crashers, etc) look-a-like. Jojo gets the coveted one-on-one date, which starts with a helicopter ride (if this season ends up being nothing but a string of helicopter rides and awkward personal concerts, me here at Connie Bongrips will be less than pleased). The only problem is that the chopper lands way to close to where our intrepid Bach and his possible-future-ex-fiancee are enjoying a cool glass of champagne (or maybe Prosecco, it’s not clear). The wind from the chopper flips the table, sending the bottle and glasses flying, leading to one of my favorite Bach related tweets of the week:

Good shit. I may have to start doing this.

Ben, being the smooth operator that he is, completely flips the script on this fuck up, using the pretense of crouching behind the table to get some serious smooching end. Well played Ben, you just forgot one thing, all the betches can see you. Most of the ladies of the house just kinda stop watching, the Mouth on the other hand, is shaken. She’s been so confident up to this point that she’s gonna marry our intrepid Bach that she didn’t even consider other betches to be a threat. But now, the seed of doubt has been planted, the seed that will soon blossom into an beautiful insecuri-tree. But more on that later.

After the landing, Ben and Jojo go grab a bite somewhere. It’s there that Jojo makes an allusion to a bad relationship that left me here at Connie Bongrips with more questions than answers. Our betch of the day mentions she has trust issues and was hurt by some one in the past, the weird part is she kept referring to the “them” and “they”, leading me here at Connie Bongrips to hypothesize that Jojo either was the other woman (seems plausible) or has a torrid lesbian past (seems sexy), or Jojo was the other woman to a woman in a lesbian relationship (whoa). Only time will tell.

After the one-on-one comes the group date, yet another opportunity for these ladies to make fools of themselves for the sake of love. This time, our group of betches go to the theater of some famous puppeteer (lol, like that’s actually a thing) and he tells them they’re going to be putting on a talent show as the opening for his show that night. Upon hearing this, our bitches immediately start figuring out what their talent is and what they can wear. Some of these ladies have legit talents. For example, Jubilee plays the fucking cello (quick aside: goddamn Jubilee is a renaissance woman, when she doesn’t win, she needs to be ‘Chelorette), the twins do a river dance type thing, and a woman in a chicken suit made up a song set to Old Macdonald (a talent that me here at Connie Bongrips assumes a vast majority of the english-speaking world has). Just to clarify this:

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is not the chicken enthusiast, she’s already been eliminated (apparently).

In the middle of a bunch of gaudily dressed betches doing mildly talented things we got… THE CLOWN. While the rest of America just took this in stride, me here at Connie Bongrips did not.

While the questions was never directly answered, me here at Connie Bongrips did some sleuthing and was able to piece it together. Our clown was blonde, leaving open the possibility it was Lauren B, Lauren H (aka other Lauren), Leah (who?), or Chicken Lady (it obviously wasn’t chicken lady). Now there’s a shot later on that’s of Lauren B and the Clown together, so she’s out. Other Lauren did something stupid like hit tennis balls or some shit, so she’s out. This leaves Leah (still don’t know who the fuck she is) as the only possible suspect. Why did she choose such a terrible costume? Who knows. We’re all just glad she did.

At last we arrive at the heart of the group date: the Mouth’s talent. In her talking head, the Mouth admits to being a talentless harpy (my words, not her’s) and needs to come up with a plan b. She lands on sexy Vegas-style-dance-thing-with-maybe-some-finger-guns, leaving us at home like

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TBH, the Mouth forgot her real talent, her fucking mouth. That thing is cavernous. You could legit fit at least an entire Big Mac in there. Why not try something like to both astound the crowd and titillate our Bach?

For whatever reason, she opts out of any mouth based talent and goes all in on her strat, which includes popping out of a birthday cake, some awkward gyrations and leg kicks (and we all thought she hated her cankles!), and an even more awkward hug. While most of the ladies were scandalized, me here at Connie Bongrips felt more uncomfortable. It’s 2016, who care about showing a little skin? That being said, the whole I’ll-just-play-this-kinda-funny thing doesn’t really mesh with sexiness and we’re left with…

screen-shot-2016-01-25-at-40813-pm CANKLESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS! (real talk, me here at Connie Bongrips don’t seen any cankles here)

After feeling real confident going into her performance (can I get “Bam… sha-Bam”???) the Mouth’s self-assurance is shattered. Me here at Connie Bongrips has never seen some one go from 60 to 0 so fast. One minute the Mouth is talking all kinds of shit, and the next she’s having a fake panic attack a la Kelsey from Chris’ season (did you know she was married to Sanderson Poe?). The Mouth is so devastated she needs to double steal Ben (pissing the betches off further), which you can see is clearly starting to annoy our Bach. He can’t keep on dealing with the Mouth’s bullshit and it’s only a matter of time before he sends her and her gaping pie-hole home.

This leaves just Becca the hot virgin for the final one-on-one date. This date was fucking weird, as it was just Ben, who was recently ordained apparently, marrying a bunch of seedy-looking couples while Becca looked on and touched his shoulder. Cuz nothing says romance like marrying a couple of weirdo’s in a Vegas chapel. This date went how you’d imagine it would: Ben was like, “soooooo, you don’t fuck” and Becca was like “nah dawg” and Ben was like, “cool, we can still make out tho” and Becca was like, “duh”. Then they smooched. That’s about it.

This was supposed to be the final date of the ep, but surprise surprise, Ben has another trick up his sleeve. Because the twins are from Vegas, our intrepid Bach uses this knowledge to schedule an impromptu two-on-one/hometown date where he can choose between the two twins. This accomplishes a few things:

  1. It allows Ben to get to know both of them better individually
  2. It allows Ben to meet their mom and determine if they’ll still be hot when they get old (always important)
  3. It allows Ben to send one home in a setting where he doesn’t accidentally mix them up and send the wrong one home (cuz me here at Connie Bongrips has legit no idea how to tell them apart when they aren’t playing soccer [hint: Emily is the beastly goalie])

So Ben consults with them individually, leading to the hilarious moment when Haley (not goalie) realizes her room is adorned with photos of her ex (lol what a lil’ stupid). Ben then consults with the mom, before finally settling on Emily (probably based solely off her performance in net). This all unfolded in their living room in front of their mom, which would be pretty awkward for a normal dude, but Ben is no normal dude. He is smooth AF, and explains that he wanted to do this here so that the twin whose heart he broke (not goalie) would have her mom there to comfort her. Total g move.

We then get the rose ceremony, in which the Mouth pulls more shady moves and pisses off more ladies. This time she steals Ben away for the reassurance that she was craving from the other night. They have a pretty uncomfortable convo that involves some weird pecking and Olivia telling our Bach that she’s falling for him. He does not reciprocate the sentiment, but it doesn’t really matter. The Mouth considers him good as her’s, and even goes so far as to tell the group that. When it comes time to hand out the rose, the Mouth is given the last one for the second week in a row. Instead of taking this as Ben saying “get your shit together, you fucking lunatic” she decides it’s some best for last type bullshit and that she’s still the frontrunner.

The Mouth’s wild mood swings and completely delusional assessment of her situation certainly make for some interesting television, and it looks like we have more headed our way, as the Next Week On showed us some juicy footage of girl’s ratting out the Mouth’s bad behavior. Me here at Connie Bongrips absolutely cannot wait for this shit to play out. There’s nothing more fun than watching a good ol’ fashioned mud-slinging contest, especially getting to enjoy the collateral damage (I’m looking at you Carly) that is usually suffered by the snitch. No one ever comes out of these things looking good, making them some of the best television a fella can watch. Ho boy, Monday can’t come soon enough.

Have a joyous week everyone, cuz shit’s gonna get real real, real soon.

PS Amber (aka booooooooring) and Rachel (aka the unemployed one) got sent home. Who cares

Bach Ramblings Vol. 2: Making a Murderer

So this week on the Bach saw a lot of stuff happen. We had a one on one date with Lauren B. (aka the safe bet to win it all) and it went as one might imagine. Lauren B (presumably there’s another Lauren, but she has yet to do anything of note, so me here at Connie Bongrips couldn’t tell you which one is the other Lauren) and our intrepid Bach hit it off and smooched and all that good stuff. Pretty basic one-on-one stuff, including yet another private performance from a group no one has ever heard of.

Then we had ourselves a fun little group date where the girls were split into teams and had to play each other in soccer for the chance to spend more time with Ben. Holy fuck was this enjoyable to watch. I love a group date where the contestants are forced to do shit that they absolutely suck at (see Kaitlyn’s amazing rap battle from last season of the ‘Chelorette for another great example). It let’s you see them go absolutely ham without really knowing what the fuck to do. Except Emily (one of the twins, the other one has yet to distinguish herself, hence why me here at Connie Bongrips has no idea what her name is) who was a beastly goalie. Kudos Emily, hopefully Ben will send your anonymous sis home soon so he can get to know you and your surprising athleticism a little better. Just look at this layout.

save-0

Another girl got injured. Her name is Rachel, this week’s recipient of the Who? Award, given to the contestant whose name it feels like we’re hearing for the first time (on Chris’ season it was pretty much Sam every week she was there; however, she rectified this by being a fucking hurricane of drama on Paradise, so all is forgiven).

The ensuing hangout consisted mainly of the Mouth stealing Ben and the other girls getting pissed about it and making fun of her toes (which even the Mouth admits, are no bueno). Eventually the Mouth is going to get what’s coming to her, no way can you legitimately piss off this many women and get away with it without some bitch snitchin’.

But now we arrive at the real meat n potatoes of this ep, the full on assault on Jubilee waged by the Bach Bitches.

It all starts when Jubilee is awarded the one on one date. She is surprised, thinking Ben isn’t that into her. She makes a few jokes about how it was probably a mistake, then Ben shows up, with a helicopter in tow, to whisk her away for their date. The problem is, Jubilee is scared of heights and immediately cracks an awkward joke, asking if any of the other girls want to go on the date. Then she gets on the helicopter and leaves.

Ignoring the content of their date (in which Jubilee absolutely kills it and establishes herself as a legit front runner) let’s focus on what happens in the house. After this throwaway line, the Bach Bitches immediately start talking about how there’s no way Jubilee will get the rose; she doesn’t appreciate Ben and this amazing thing he’s doing for her, she sucks, she’s going to be ungrateful the whole time, yada yada. They build up this whole narrative, based around one awkward joke, and just keep building it up and up and up, till Jubilee is the the number one villain in the house, and she hasn’t even come back from her date yet. These girls were expecting her to be sent packing (based off one fucking remark) and were shocked to see her come back to the house. Then, when she wasn’t all that eager to hang out with them (maybe because all of these girls had spent a solid 12 hours talking shit about her) they got even more mad.

Then comes the cocktail party, where Ben tells the women that some family friends had just died in a plane crash (fuuuuuuuck). Jubilee, seeing her man in crisis (and knowing a thing or two about loss, having earlier revealed that her entire family died when she was six [fuuuuuuuck]) went to console him, by giving him a massage (in contrast to the Mouth, who used her alone time with Ben to talk about blogs devoted to her cankles). This upset the mob even more, who saw it as Jubilee trying to steal time with Ben while already having a rose, instead of, oh I don’t know, a human being trying to make another human being feel better in the wake of a tragedy.

All hopped up on this latest indignity, Amber tries to get Jubilee to talk to the group (aka stand there while they all bitch her out). Jubes refuses and separates herself from the rest of the women to try to get some space. Ben finds out, and tries to comfort a now crying Jubilee. The Bach Bitches then see this as yet another encroachment on their time with Ben, and Amber tries to call her out for it in front of our intrepid Bach. Ben, to his credit, shuts that shit down real quick.

What a crazy night. These bitches really need some kind of distraction when they’re in the house, because that rumor mill is fucking vicious. They need to play cards or something. Me here at Connie Bongrips am firmly on #TeamJubilee and don’t see that changing anytime soon. The Mouth is the real villain, and this is only distracting from her malicious plans. This JubesDrama is so blown out of proportion, me here at Connie Bongrips hopes it passes quickly so we can get back to all hating the Mouth. Cuz seriously, this bitch hears about Ben’s friends dying and she’s can’t even wait to sit down before she starts talking about herself. And then, when Ben gives her the last rose, as a message saying ‘This shit ain’t gonna fly’, she thinks he’s telling her that he’s super into her.

Before I go, me here at Connie Bongrips must quickly salute our fallen Lace, who has removed herself from the competition to “work on herself”. Hopefully this doesn’t work out for her and she returns to Paradise and we, the viewing public, can enjoy many more hours of her narcissistic nonsense. Bon voyage.

Another exciting ep of Bach is in the books, and me here at Connie Bongrips can’t wait for another. See you fuckboiz next week

New Season of the Bach Ramblings Vol. 1: A Lace by Any Other Name

After a long hiatus, me here at Connie Bongrips am back. So strap in bitches, cuz it’s about to get real.

Oh boy Oberto, the Bach is back. That hole that you’ve been feeling deep in the pit of your schadenfreude can be filled up again with tons of bitchy back-stabbing, tears on tears on tears, and (this season at least) a giant gaping mouth. What a time to be alive.

Obligatory disclaimer, me here at Connie Bongrips does not know the name of every woman competing for the right to be briefly engaged to our illustrious Bachelor, Ben Higgins, and I don’t plan on learning them either. The important ones will make themselves known. So far we have

Olivia: A former news anchor with the mouth of a Titan and the tact of a woman with Aspergers. Olivia delights in belittling her competition with gems like, “If Ben’s a big believer in science, you should be worried.” Also, when asked about her job, she says her favorite part of being a news anchor is “Going to high schools and talking to girls.” Olivia is basically a creepy 50 year old man in the body of a 23 year old woman who can eat a Big Mac in one bite. Why does she leave her mouth open so often? It’s enormous. You gotta hide that shit, girl. I mean, the first thing on Google auto-complete when you type “Olivia Bachelor” is mouth. From here on out, me here at Connie Bongrips will exclusively refer to her as “the Mouth”.

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Dam gurl. Moving on

Lace: Hooooooo momma, Lace the lunatic. Now me here at Connie Bongrips don’t like to throw the word crazy around a lot when it comes to women. It’s fairly degrading and is often used by men to write off legitimate things a woman may feel. With that being said, Lace is full-on bat-shit crazy. This girl doesn’t know when to stop. First night, she got wasted, got turned down for a smooch, then responded by bitching Ben out for not making eye contact with her during the rose ceremony. Bitch, you got a rose, chill your damn dill. Then she pulls the classic double dip “can I steal you for a minute” on the group date (a big faux pas) pissing everyone off, and used these two opportunities to say, “I’m not crazy” in the most overly aggressive I’m-actually-crazy kind of way. She follows that up by getting slammered at the next cocktail party and talking to Ben about… I have no fucking clue. She says individual words to him that I understand, but given the arrangement and context, me here at Connie Bongrips can’t even begin to fathom what she’s talking about. And then she gets a fucking rose somehow. Leading me to believe that we have found this year’s recipient of the “Ashley S Memorial Producer Mandated Rose”, given to the contestant who adds the most insanity/drama to the show but whom the Bachelor would most likely want to get rid of at the first opportunity. Lace is the perfect heady mix of narcissism, selfishness (the two go hand in hand, obvs), meanness, and willing-to-get-plasteredness that every season of the Bach needs. Here’s a little example. When the Mouth steals Ben away during the cocktail party, despite already having a rose, Lace decides she needs to take matters into her own hands and tell the Mouth she’s being a real bitch. The problem is, Lace is so self-obsessed that her attempt to call out the Mouth quickly devolves into a weird pity party for Lace. Homegirl needs to work on having coherent conversations.

Caila: Then we have Caila, the girl that left her boyfriend after she saw Ben on Kaitlyn’s season of the Bachelorette (supposedly, cuz me here at Connie Bongrips don’t really buy that shit). Caila seems nice enough, although kinda boring. She got the one on one date this week, which was a celebrity filled afternoon of cross-promotion as Ice Cube and Kevin Hart joined our couple for a ride-along (2) on their date. As a quick aside, these celebrity comedian dates are the fucking worst. How are you supposed to get to know some one when you have a bunch of famous people making fun of you both the whole time? And now you’ve had your one-on-one date and won’t be getting another for a long time, if at all. Talk about getting the shaft. They follow this up with an intimate private concert from some white dude I’d never heard of. Another terrible Bachelor date idea. The thought of having to hang out and dance while some one plays a show for just you and one other person sounds terrible. I mean, how awkward would that be? You have to be into the whole time, otherwise one of the two other people (either the your beau or the artist him/herself) will be like, “WTF, u not havin fun, m8?” and you gotta be like, “Yeah, I luv this random whitey with a guitar…” All around bad scene.

Amanda: The obligatory single mom. Not much to say about Amanda, she has two daughters, one of whom may be named Jarly. If that’s the case, I’ll be way more down with Amanda. Really the only noteworthy thing involving Amanda was the smooth azz move that Ben busted on her, by getting supplies to make barrettes for her kids. A move so smooth, you could watch Amanda cheeks and panties moisten (the former with tears, the latter with… lady juice? me here at Connie Bongrips don’t entirely understand the female body). What a guy that Ben H is (he’s no Ben Z, but what’re ya gonna do).

The Twins: Don’t know their names, but we have two blonde, 22 year old twins from Vegas on the show. If this sounds familiar, it’s because there’s approximately 1,000,000 pornos with a similar gimmick (only more boobs). This is such a weird male-fantasy thing me here at Connie Bongrips don’t even know what to think. I was hoping he’d just send one of them home the first night to avoid the inevitable mixup of who’s who and all the drama that would follow, but it seems our intrepid Bach is gunnin’ for that twin sandwich. It will be interesting to see if either of these girls is at all able to distinguish themselves. We’ll see

Jubilee: Finally, a black girl who just might stand a chance. Jubilee is a beautiful, intelligent woman who served in the military and is rewarded for her service with the occupation title “War Veteran”, lol. Nice try Bach, but that just sounds stupid. The good news for Jubilee is that Ben seems legit into her, and no one is happier about that then the producers at ABC, who have long been criticized for just how white this franchise is. The best thing possible that could happen for them would be that Jubilee makes it to at least the final four before getting the axe. This way they could finally have a black Bachelorette, which, let’s be honest, they really need to do. Godspeed Jubilee, the eyes of the world are watching.

There are plenty of other ladies vying for Ben’s heart, but I’ll be damned if I can remember any of them. Most of the memorable ladies went home this week, Mandi the self-proclaimed “weird” dentist (if you call yourself weird, are you actually weird? or just trying really hard to make people think you are?) and LB the hobbit-sized fashion buyer (yes that’s her listed profession). I’m sure some of these other girls will emerge as true Bach-stars but we’re still waiting for them to take that next step.

Me here at Connie Bongrips am very excited about this season of the Bach. Already we have a couple mean front-runners (always a plus) and a couple of obvious victim complexes as well (hi Carly!). This promises to be better than last year, where we had to watch Chris Soules mumble his way through awkward interactions and terrible kisses. So far we don’t have any true villains a la Ashley I (<333) or Kelsey (who almost definitely murdered her husband, Sanderson Poe) but the Mouth is definitely making a push for that spot. Only time will tell.

Stay tuned for more Bach coverage in the future, trying to do one every week, we’ll see how that goes. Have a lovely week folks

Chelorette Ep 5 Recap: Too Many Nicks

Well folks, we’re one week closer to our intrepid Bachelorette finding true love, yet we’re further than ever, as this week saw our cast of man-meat increase, rather than shrink, with the addition of Nick from Andi’s season (full disclosure: Me at Connie Bongrips have not seen Andi’s season. Deal with it). Now there is nothing wrong with this, in fact, with all the premature departures and given the fact that about half of these dudes came for Britt, it was about time the producers threw Kaitlyn a bone. The problem is the drama in this ep was supposed to be about Kaitlyn’s decision to let Nick on the show or not, but thanks to the “This Season on the Bachelorette” everyone already knew she let Nick stay. Why would you give away a plot twist like that? Seems fucking dumb to me. But enough of that, let’s get into this ep.

We were dropped in right where we left off, with Kaitlyn about to give Clint the ol’ boot (or as they probably spell it in Canada, bout). What follows is some utterly garbage acting from Clint in which he tries to explain in his deadest-pan deadpan that he’s been “100 percent” with her (lie) and that he’s here for her (lie, see all his talking heads from last week) and that he doesn’t have a problem with any of the guys in the house (lie). Kaitlyn sees through his bullshit easily, cuz like I said, his acting is fucking terrible, and sends him home, letting him say goodbye to everyone.

This goodbye led to even more bullshit. Clint’s BFF JJ (too many acronyms) turns on him, demanding an apology. Clint gets mad and they have a little “confrontation”. The funny part is how unbelievably staged it is. How do me at Connie Bongrips know it was staged? Let’s return to exhibit A, Clint’s terrible acting.

http://abc.go.com/embed/VDKA0_ihdf7n2u

Have you ever heard some one deliver the line “I’m gonna fucking kill you” with less fucking enthusiasm? They follow that up with some more bullshit and a bizarre line about how JJ’s tie looks good. The whole scene is phony as fuck and most likely an attempt to get them both on Bach in Paradise. Fucking lame.

After Clint gets sent home, Kaitlyn decides it’s too much and they aren’t gonna have a rose ceremony.

COME ON. The rose ceremonies are the best; everyone is so nervous, and dudes get so mad when other dudes get roses, it’s just a good time for everyone. And really, Kaitlyn, you don’t see any other dudes in the room you could stand to get rid of? Maybe the Connie Bongrips triumvirate of blandness: Corey, Tanner, and Ryan (fuck all these dudes, they add nothing to the viewing experience).

What better way to wash the taste of that lack-of-rose-ceremony out our mouths than with a good old fashioned rap battle group date.

Quick pause for me at Connie Bongrips to express my complete and utter love of Kaitlyn’s group date choices. Each one is more embarrassing for our man-meats than the last. Not to mention rap battles will always hold a special place in my heart. After seeing 8 Mile, my friends and I used to have rap battles in my attic, using a Bop-It as the mic. Needless to say, I lyrically tore them to shredzzz.

The ensuing rap battle is everything you could hope for and more. It has dick jokes. It has gay jokes. It has terrible slant-rhymes. It has an unemployed investment banker making fun of another investment banker FOR WORKING ON WALL STREET. And most importantly, it has our favorite bland-boi Corey rocking this get-up

Gold.

Unfortunately, this would be the last bit of this episode untainted by the impending Nick drama. Immediately following the rap battle, Kaitlyn runs into Nick, he says he wants to be on the show, he’s into her, blah blah blah, she needs to think about it.

Kaitlyn returns to our bros and tells them that she’s thinking about letting Nick onto the show. They mostly react laughably poorly, questioning her intentions, questioning their connections with her. The only dude who seizes the opportunity is Justin (known mostly for his bad hair and having a child), brazenly declaring that this is her show and that she needs to do what she feels is right and he’s not worried about another guy being added. Kaitlyn responds by giving his ass a rose. Power moves. Other dudes, take note, that’s how you fucking do it.

Instead we get stuff like former front-runner Shawn (Ryan Gosling Light) talking about how it calls their connection into question. Lol. So you were cool with the other 24 guys, but this is one guy too far? Give me a break. This is a show about Kaitlyn finding love, not pleasing a bunch of little jealous babies.

After the group date, we’re treated to a 1-on-1 date with hopeless romantic, Jared, who takes a page out of Justin’s book and says he doesn’t care about Nick, just the two of the them. This is obviously exactly what Kaitlyn wants to here and, combined with a fucking hilariously cheesy poem, is enough to get him dat rose.

Before our final group date, we are treated to plenty more shots of the bros questioning Kaitlyn and the whole Nick scenario and generally acting like little bitches. Finally Kaitlyn decides to let Nick on, because its her show and she can do whatever the fuck she wants (duh).

The final group date is an Alladin the musical themed group date, that features several of our more awkward suitors having to dance and sing “A Whole New World”. And let me at Connie Bongrips tell you, if you haven’t seen a terrible singer with no confidence try to get through a Disney number, it’s a real treat. The best performance has to go to Chris (cupcake car) for his absurdly earnest rendition that earned this remark from the show’s director: “I don’t think he’s mocking it. He just doesn’t know what he’s doing.” Chris’ performance earns him a pseudo 1-on-1 date with Kaitlyn, as they get to make a cameo in the Broadway show.

Kaitlyn was clearly very excited by the whole thing, and Chris really added to the experience by telling her every five seconds to “drink it all in” and that “she’d remember this when she was 80.” Ok, that’s enough, dude. Put a little more pressure on her. He follows this up with some hilarious attempts at kissing Kaitlyn and some cliche romantic crap. He gets a rose, but you get the sense that Kaitlyn would’ve enjoyed this evening regardless of her arm candy.

The ep ends with Nick as he opens the door to the penthouse that the bros are all staying in. Once again, no rose ceremony at the end of the ep. This season’s lack of rose ceremonies is killing me at Connie Bongrips. Some of these bros need to go home. I’m seeing a lot of fat that needs trimming. With that in mind, here’s the power rankings (parenthesis indicate last weeks rankings):

  1. Tony (1)- he’s out there, somewhere, open to love, and caring for his bonsai trees
  2. Ben H (4)- the third member of team Supporting Kaitlyn (joining Jared and Justin), def has the best shot out of those 3
  3. Ben Z (2)- fairly stagnant week from our towering man-hunk. would’ve like to see him back Kaitlyn a little more, but he wasn’t vocally opposed either
  4. Jared (5)- 1-on-1 date cemented him as a contender
  5. Shawn (3)- pretty opposed to Nick coming on, this could sour his connection with our Bachelorette
  6. Nick (NR)- he maybe should be higher, but I think the thrill will wear off soon enough
  7. Justin (13)- our biggest mover, doubt he has a chance (I mean, his hair is so dumb) but he’s making the right moves to stay in the game
  8. Joe (7)- still very funny, ad-libbing to “A Whole New World” seemed to be a positive move
  9. Joshua (6)- big time doubter, needs to lay off this Nick stuff if he wants any kind of chance
  10. Ian (8)- seems like he’s going to call Kaitlyn out next week. that rarely goes over well
  11. Jonathan (9)- doubter and major Britt supporter. you get the feeling his time is quickly running out
  12. JJ (15)- I just want to see how he handles not being the most hated man in the house
  13. Chris (10)- making a case to turn the Connie Bongrips triumvirate of blandness into a four-piece
  14. Tanner (11)- so meh and a big time doubter, hopefully he just quits next week
  15. Ryan (12)- literally nothing to say about him. he’s so boring
  16. Corey (16)- GET HIM OFF MY SHOW

Gonna leave this here as a parting gift

have a lovely week folks

BREAKING NEWS: Brokeback Bachelor is Bullshit

Well well well, looks like the Clint n’ JJ romance was a sham all along. Turns out the bros were just bros who decided to play up the whole “gay” thing for laughs.

HA HA!

This whole thing is so completely fucking dumb that it’s hard to believe that it made it past the myriad editors and execs and onto our screens. What is so funny about the idea of two men being in love? The implication that JJ and Clint’s concocted romance is both scandalous and hilarious seems out of place in 2015. Hell, I would love to watch a gay season of the Bachelor, cuz god knows this shit doesn’t really work for hetero couples.

Now that I’m thinking about it, this could be an opportunity for ABC to kill diversity birds with one stone. Imagine the possibility of a gay Bachelor of color. Would it make up for the decade of white-washed casts? Probably not, but me here at Connie Bongrips thinks it would make a pretty fantastic (and eminently watchable) start.

‘Chalorette Week 3cap

This week, me here at Connie Bongrips was treated to an especially juicy ep of ‘Chalorette. Things kicked off right where we left them with Kupah “I’m pulling the race card despite there being two other men of color still left” Angry-Pants yelling at the producers about how Kaitlyn wronged him yada yada. This outburst is amazing for a couple reasons.

  1. The aforementioned use of the race card when it doesn’t really seem to apply
  2. There’s nothing better than a man telling a woman she doesn’t know what she’s thinking
  3. Trying to give the producers your spin on events is a bit of a futile effort, as they have been poring over hours of footage from the event your talking about. Something tells me they have a better idea of how things played out than you do
  4. Lol at trying to act like you didn’t like the boxing date.
  5. Talking about how it wasn’t fair to him. BIIIIIIIIIITCH, this the Bachelorette. It only matters if it’s fair to Kaitlyn. You’re just a pretty piece of ass served up to her by ABC.

Once we got Krazy Kupah out of the house, it was time to move onto the rose ceremony, which only had one real surprise. How the fuck did Corey (the currently employed I-Bankers, not to be confused with JJ the totally unemployed former I-banker) not get cut. The dude looks like this:

and he’s boring as fuck. Send his bland ass home.

This was followed up by the first group date of the ep… A FUCKING SUMO-OFF. Our boys were roused at the crack of sometime to put on diapers and grope each other. This naturally led to some hilarity, as dudes in diapers will always be somewhat amusing. It was not all fun and games, however, as Connie Bongrips favorite Tony the Healer’s spiritual center was in danger of succumbing to the aggression that surrounded him.

Poor Tony, such a gentle soul. He needed to remove himself from the situation and question whether Kaitlyn and all of her aggression-championing dates were for him. Homeboy just wants to go the the zoo and look at some fucking animals, jah feel?

Ultimately Tony decided he needed to get home to his dog and his bonsai trees (not making that up) and me here at Connie Bongrips could not be sadder to see him go. In the three short weeks he’s been with us, Tony has given us gems like

  • “Britt’s box is pulsating with energy”
  • His entire stand up routine
  • “I have the eyes of a child, the heart of a warrior, and the soul of a gypsy” (he said this twice this week. fucking gold)

That’s all I got off the top of my head, but me here at Connie Bongrips can’t help but wonder if ‘Chalorette will suffer in his absence. I’ll pour out some yerba mate for ya, big guy.

Surprising no one “First Impression” Shaun got the group date rose. This dude is firing on all cylinders right now and is making a real push to end the First Impression Curse. Whether his knockoff Ryan Gosling looks will be enough, we shall just have to wait and see.

Next we had another curveball thrown at us, this time by esteemed matchmaker extraordinaire, Chris Harrison, who paired our intrepid Bachelorette with towering man-hunk Ben Z (Benny Z, Benny Z, Benny Z Z Z), on a secret date, that ended up being a mix between a haunted house and a scavenger hunt. Ben Z fucking whacks this date out the park, using his calm, cool, collected manner to navigate a room filled with spooky bullshit and a bathroom literally covered in snakes and win the heart (and rose) of Kaitlyn. He followed it up with a classic convo about his dead mommy and how he can’t cry any more. Fucking brilliant. Last season Kaitlyn had her guard. This season Ben has his. Kaitlyn is gonna try so hard to break that motherfucker down that he’s pretty much guaranteed to stick around til that first salty drop comes out. That’s playing the game like a goddamn champ.

We finish off the dates with a sex ed class. While this is certainly a lame ass date to go on (fuck kids) it is a true delight to spectate. We had child actors asking questions we weren’t even allowed to hear, while mortified man-children tried to explain periods to them. While we’re on the subject of censorship-

What’s the fucking deal with ABC? Sometimes we get the dark box (see Jillian’s ass on the last season of the Bachelor). Sometimes we get the pixelation (sumo-off). Where’s the consistency, ABC? Also, how come you can’t say penis on ‘Chalorette? That’s its name. Penis. Totally normal word. You can’t say penis, but you can say balls? I’m confused.

Anywhooo, pretty much all the dudes bombed in spectacular, awkward fashion, with the lone exception being Ben H. Ben was able to stave off the weirdness and deliver a sex ed lecture that might not actually ruin these kids forever. Great job! He then went on to say all the right things at the after-date and won himself the rose. Good for him, bad for us. Kaitlyn, please, for the love of god, pick one Ben. I know you like them both, but this using their last initial thing is getting pretty damn old. And pick Ben Z. He’s super cute

And now, me at Connie Bongrips gets to the meat of this ep: Clint and JJ.

All week, we, the viewing public, have been teased with scenes of Clint and JJ hanging out over voice-overs talking about not expecting to find love with a man. If you’ve ever watched Bach or ‘Chalorette, then you know that the editing wizards love to make fake narratives (see last years tent BJ that never happened). That was what me at Connie Bongrips assumed was going on during these little teasers. Boy was I wrong. It seems Clint may legitimately be interested in JJ, either that or he really likes him as a friend and is just making a bunch of gay jokes (cuz isn’t it funny that dudes sometimes like eachother?). Clint spent the whole ep ignoring Kaitlyn and trying to get closer with JJ, who, for his part, seems somewhat interested, but more interested in finding a new mommy for his daughter (not to judge, but I bet that kid sucks, just look at her dad). I’m not sure how this will play out, with Clint def getting sent home (not gonna miss his “Villians gonna vill” catchphrase that he has busted out a minimum of 3 times already [at an average of 1 per ep]), but I hope both men find happiness. Actually, that’s a lie. JJ is a conceited prick, I hope he finds misery.

Can’t wait to see the rose ceremony. Now here’s the power rankings

  1. Tony- I know he’s eliminated, but he’s number one in our hearts here at Connie Bongrips. He’s staying here forever
  2. Ben Z- power moves son. power moves
  3. Shaun- jumped out to an early lead, can he hold on?
  4. Ben H- group date roses help raise your profile
  5. Jared- here solely for the frequency he shows up in the “This season on ‘Chalorette”
  6. Joshua- his awe-shucks ‘tude and his terrible fashion sense have really won me over. seems legit sweet
  7. Joe- funniest dude on the show and it’s not even close. that counts for something with Kaitlyn
  8. Ian- should probably be higher up, but he’s sooooooooooo boring
  9. Jonathan- dude’s real good looking. that’s gotta count for something, right?
  10. Chris- the dentist sneaks into the top 10 by virtue of his surprisingly strong showing at the stand up date
  11. Tanner- here we’re entering the meh-range. Tanner is the poster child for this group
  12. Ryan- or maybe Ryan is. they’re both bland as fuck
  13. Justin- another dude with a kid? shit’s played out, bro
  14. Clint- I know he’s going home, but he won me at Connie Bongrips’ heart with that drawingI mean come on! that’s a fucking masterpiece
  15. JJ- total noob. get him off my damn show
  16. Corey- this candy-apple looking motherfucker’s gotsta go

See you next week. May your box always be pulsating with energy