*gets on stage and taps the mic*
Can everyone hear me? I just watched four hours of the Bachelorette and boy, are my eyes tired.
But seriously folks, what the fuck?
ABC, why you gotta go and do four hours of this in one week? Do you think I’m just made out of spare time? I am, but goddamn.
For those not in the know, two weeks ago there was some sort of sportsball game on Monday night and ABC, in their infinite wisdom, decided to go with 2 eps this week (Monday aaaaaaand Tuesday) instead of, oh I don’t know, showing one last Tuesday. You’re already airing one on a Tuesday, so why double down? I don’t know, but I’m exhausted (you think it’s easy to watch this shit and write about it? write your own fucking blog then, nerd).
The worst part, is the week got off to such a promising start. Tensions with Lee and Kenny continued to grow. After Bryan (don’t worry, we’ll touch on him more later) gets the group date rose, Kenny says to the whole group, in the most sub-tweeting-est fashion, “That’s very important, not being a bitch ass dude.”
While this advice was presumably directed at Lee, known far and wide for being a bitch ass dude, I think this is a lesson we can all really take to heart. So you there, reading this at home. Yeah, you. Don’t be a bitch ass dude, please.
Following this group date, we are treated to a one on one with everyone’s favorite generic lawyer, Jack Stone. During a talking head, Rach informs us that on paper she and J-Stone are a good match, but she needs to see if there’s any chemistry. And with that, we had this season’s first occurrence of my favorite kind of date, the “prove it” date.
These kinds of dates are a blast because they almost never end well for the person with something to prove. On top of that, they almost always think it’s going really well, until their ass gets sent home.
Now this particular prove it date with J-Stone was extra fun because this is, hands down, the most screen time this bro has had, and I’m not convinced he’s fully human. I’ve talked with a few people about this, and there seems to be two camps that people fall into. You either A) think he’s a robot trying to learn about love or B) think he’s an alien sent here to reproduce with a human female.
Damn, Connie, you may be thinking, that’s a little harsh. How inhuman can this guy be?
Well I’m glad you asked. For starters, he’s boring as all fuck. When asked what he would do if he could whisk Rach away to Dallas, he said they’d chill at his place. C’mon, bruh, that’s so lame to say on your first date. I’m pretty boring like that too, but you gotta wait and trick em into thinking you’re an interesting, outgoing person before you hit em with the sweatpants all-day routine.
On top of that, this dude seems to think the only way to express interest is through staring. At one point, he and Rach dance a little in the street, and afterwards all he can talk about is how he kept staring at her. He repeats this several times, as if that’s a thing people want to hear. Clearly something is wrong with his social protocols (I belong to the robot camp, btw).
To top it all off, this dude/android is CONSTANTLY tilting his head forward. And when I say constantly, I really mean it.
When Rach inevitably sends his ass packing, he even hits her with the sad tilt.
Is it because he’s an alien who doesn’t really understand how you should hold your head when you talk to other people, or is it that there’s a loose bolt in his stainless steel spinal column and he can’t hold his head straight? Either way, mission not accomplished.
During this date, Lee gets to talking with Will, one of the other contestants, about his interaction with Kenny. When Will points out to Lee that there is a long history in this country of white people accusing black men of being aggressive to do fucked up shit to them, the point whizzes right over Lee’s absurdly tall hair. He gets mad that Kenny is pulling the race card (nevermind that Kenny did not say any of this to Lee) and admits to Will (a black man, btw) that he doesn’t “get the race card.”
Now there’s a lot to unpack in that little gem, so let’s dig in.
I can understand living in a world where you think that racism isn’t that bad and that black people are just making a big fuss to get stuff. Hell, I grew up around plenty of people who feel that way. To them, racism is a kind of victimhood that people of color use when things don’t go their way. And while I completely disagree with that view, I at least am familiar with how some one could come to think that way. But that isn’t what Lee is saying. Even the shittiest of Confederate-flag waving fucks I grew up around (I was raised in Massachusetts, by the way, so I don’t know where all that Southern pride came from, but w/e) understands the race card. They think it’s bullshit and pulled too often, but they understand that racism at least used to exist. Lee can’t even admit that. It’s hard to say what his world view is, exactly, other than being an enormous sack of turds, but it’s clear that this dude really really sucks.
The first rose ceremony this week saw two more jabroni’s go (not including ol’ J-Stone), Iggy and the Tickle Monster. Iggy was a little pot-stirrer and I don’t think anyone really misses him. He talked to Rach about other dudes more than himself, violating the golden rule (don’t be a snitch), and it cost him. At the end he claims to have learned more about himself in 4 weeks than he has in 30 years. Did this dude just learn about introspection? At 30? Good luck, bruh.
The Tickle Monster just couldn’t fucking resist, and as he’s hugging Rach goodbye he goes in for a final tickle, to the literal applause of the other contestants.
I don’t know about you guys, but when I see a weirdo tickle some one, my first reaction is not to clap. I guess that’s why ABC keeps rejecting my audition tapes…
At this point, our ‘Lorette tells the boys that they’re getting out of the country and heading to Norway. Pretty dope, it’s not tropical, but they’ve got stuff in Norway. For the first date, Rach takes Bryan (the mouthy kisser) to check out an old ski jump. So cool.
Now I am not a big fan of Bryan. First off, this dude is smooth as hell and I don’t trust anyone that smooth to not be a dick. Maybe this attitude comes from years of my complete inability to exist normally around women, but that’s not the point. Bryan is so clearly a player of some kind that it worries me. At the end of the day, I do want Rach to find Love™ and I just don’t think he’s the man for it.
However, this one on one, while not super interesting (they almost never are) had several classic moments. First, as they’re walking out, holding each other, Bryan says he needs a hug. They pause for a second and then proceed to keep walking exactly the same way. Was that actually a hug the whole time and it just took him a minute to realize?
The next moment came as Rach and Bryan were preparing to repel down the ski jump, which we are told is 187 feet high. Rach, upon hearing that, asks if anyone else gets the symbolism behind that. The producer (who apparently never listened to hip hop in the 90’s) asks her what it means. If you don’t know what that means, I’ll let this Snoop and Dre video explain it
I love this girl.
Finally, as they rappel down the jump, Bryan insists on kissing. What follows was maybe the grossest sounding kiss I’ve heard on this show, and I’m including Josh Murray’s moaning-kiss thing from last season of Paradise. Unfortunately I couldn’t find a clip of this, so you’ll just have to use your imaginations. For those of you interested in recreating the sound at home, try smearing your face in peanut butter and then frenching the nearest pup. That should be a suitable approximation. What do you know, Bryan gets the rose. Rach is too into him. I don’t like it.
The next date is a handball group date where the dudes have to put on singlets and play handball. Unlike the rest of the crew, Deanie Baby opted to wear his jock strap on the outside (as opposed to the traditional, inside manner).
It’s possible he did this to be funny, but it’s equally possible that he has a tiny dick and was embarrassed, deciding it was better to look like a fool who could have a big dick rather than a regular dude with a small dick. It’s a real Sophie’s choice.
The game would have been fairly uneventful if it wasn’t for Peter and the the groping he was doing. Seriously, this dude was all over Rach.
To be fair, she seems to be feeling it, but man. He straight up touches her boob right there (also maybe a little booty, but it’s hard to tell from this angle)
At the cocktail bit afterward, they continue their touch fest, by leaving the party and making out in a hot tub. Where did their bathing suits come from? Do they just wear them under everything in case there’s a hot tub?
Rachel, being the smart cookie that she is, gives Will the group date rose, and not Peter. This is wise because you can’t keep giving the same people roses over and over again on group dates. It sends a bad message to the other dudes. Also, if Peter is not feeling confident in their relationship after they spent an indeterminate amount of time soaking in a tub and rubbing their junk on each other, then he’s got some real issues.
And now it’s time for the moment we’ve all been waiting for. The dreaded two on one.
And not just any two on one, but Lee vs Kenny.
For those that may be new to the series, the two on one is where two contestants who hate each other go on a shared date and badmouth the other one and try to send him or her home. There’s two main archetypes who go on two on ones
- The Villain. This is the contestant who sucks and is disliked by most of the other contestants for one reason or another. On Nick’s season, it was Corrine, for being a boss who gave no fucks. Before that, on Jojo’s season, it was Chad, for being a terrifyingly aggressive asshole who loved cold cuts and raw sweet potatoes.
- The Snitch. This is the contestant who can’t stop talking to the Bach’ or ‘Lorette about how shitty the villain is. On Nick’s season, it was Taylor, whose obsession with Corrine was only matched by her obsession with emotional intelligence. On Jojo’s season, it was Alex, whose hatred for Chad was only matched by his raging Napoleon Complex.
This two on one is a little different though, as Lee plays the role of both snitch and villain (what an innovater!), having done nothing but be a dick to Kenny, all the while feeding Rach bullshit and twisted half truths about everyone’s favorite cuckolding wrestler/dad.
The initial part of the date goes well for Kenny. He’s able to talk to Rach first and they have a pleasant convo about moving their relationship forward. Lee uses his one on one time to lie about Kenny (shocking). At one point he literally says, “Can I be honest with you?” and then proceeds to just lie through his teeth. You almost have to respect his utter disregard for words and what they mean. It honestly seems like Lee is more into fucking with Kenny than trying to get with Rach.
Unfortunately for him, Rach is able to see right through the lies and she sends him home. As her and Kenny are about to leave, our boy Kenny can’t help himself, and goes back to tell Lee what a piece of garbage he is. This does not sit well with Rach, and, frankly, was not the best move on Kenny’s part, but when she confronts him about it, he has a surprisingly good answer. He tells her that he believes in letting his feelings out and addressing them in the moment, and that he had to get stuff off his chest to Lee. Not a bad turn around. I’d give it a solid B. They have some good conversations about honesty and sincerity and she gives him the rose.
Finally, we arrive at the second of three rose ceremonies this week (I know, it’s fucked up). This one is by far the most surprising of the season. Josiah (dead brother lawyer) and Anthony (his horse shit in that store) both go home, while nobodies Adam and Matt stick around. Josiah, I understand, he was being weird pretty much the whole season and he was confident in a way that really made you want him to stop talking. Anthony was surprising. They’d had a good one on one, he seems like a good dude, and he’s pretty attractive. Really my only beef with him is that his head is too pointy.
Maybe Rach prefers her dudes with smoother heads?
Josiah talks a lot of shit about Rach on his way out, which is a really bad look. Like, dude, maybe she didn’t want to be with you cuz you’re a fucking clown who thinks he’s god’s gift to earth. Get over yourself and stop dissing our girl.
The next destination for our dwindling group of fuckbois is… Denmark!
Does ABC have some kind of deal with the tourism board of Scandanavia? Including Nick’s finale, this is the third straight Scandanavian country they’ve visited. I mean, I like it, but I don’t really get it.
Rachel takes Major Hunches (Eric) on the first one on one. They ride around in a boat and go to an amusement park. Hunches is really hyped and cannot stop hooting and hollering. It’s shockingly endearing. He genuinely likes Rachel, which is cool. They seem to enjoy themselves.
Over dinner Hunches confesses that his mom never really loved him and that he has a hard time handling it when relationships get serious. I’m not gonna lie, that’s pretty sad, but the whole time I was wondering, is his mom watching? What does she think of all this? I guess we’ll find out in her inevitable tell-all interview with People or Us Weekly.
Following this revelation, he tells Rach that he thinks he’s falling for her, which is about the best he can do right now. She finds it sufficient and gives him the rose. Unfortunately, this rose was not enough to cure him of his bad posture.
I can’t help myself. Look at that dinner hunch.
The group date (the third this week, for those of you keeping track at home) is a bunch of viking games. Seems like fun, I guess. This being games though, you know your boy Peter was gonna get his gropes in. Here he is picking up Rach yet again
He really likes picking her up.
Kenny wins the Viking games, but not before busting his eyebrow open. His reward? This sweet outfit.
I hope he got to keep it.
At the proceeding drink sesh, Rach and Kenny get to talking. The crux of things is he’s not fully feeling it. Rach, by virtue of being an angel, decides that she cannot ask him to stay while she still has questions and he misses his daughter so much. They part ways amicably.
Quick pause to talk about how sweet all the father/daughter stuff with Kenny has been this season. Normally, I think people that come on this show with kids are lame. Like, who cares, why are you here? Not to mention their kids are usually pretty boring (I’m looking at you Kensie and Charlie). Kenny’s kid, on the other hand, is old enough to form coherent sentences and seems to genuinely want her dad to find happiness. And maybe I’m just an enormous sap, but I find their facetime convos legitimately precious.
Somehow, there’s yet another date this week. It’s another prove it date, but with Will. This is a little out of left field as he recently received the group date rose. Well, Rach wants more passion from Will and he is only too happy to not oblige.
Just look at those sparks.
Rach is unimpressed and let’s him go. PS, this date took place in Sweden, which is the 3rd Scandinavian country of the week. We get it, there are several countries in Scandinavia and they are all close to each other.
Thank god, we’re finally at the end. The third rose ceremony. And once again, rather than sending Matt or Adam home, Rach ditches Alex, of not liking music fame. Not sure what she wasn’t feeling, but maybe they would’ve had more chemistry if listened anything other than Coldplay. Just a theory.
And that was that. Four hours of programming and nearly 3000 words later, here we are. To those of you brave enough to hang in this long, I’ll reward you with my first power rankings. I was hoping to start these when we got to about ten dudes, but then Rach went out and started choppin’, and now we only have six.
These rankings represent where I think these guys will finish out the season (#1 wins, #6 goes home next week, etc). I will also include my personal rankings based solely on my subjective opinion of these guys. That rank will be in parenthesis.
- Peter (3): At this point, it feels like we’re on a slow, unstoppable march to Rachel and Peter’s engagement. They’ve always had real chem, and, despite his propensity for groping, he’s somehow less of a creep than Bryan.
- Bryan (5): Creepers gonna creep, but Rach is undeniably feeling it.
- Dean (1): He seems like fun, and he’s definitely hot. My guess is she hits it and quits it cuz he’s too young for her.
- Maj. Hunches (2): Hunches came a long way for me this ep, but I don’t think he has the legs to make it past hometowns. Also, his mom may hate him, which could severely hurt the vibe at his house.
- Matt (4): He is not Adam.
- Adam (6): I don’t really know what to say. He brought a doll on the first night, and that might have been his high water mark.
Well I’m gonna go do literally anything but think about the Bachelorette. I’ll see you fine folk next week for more Love™ and drama.