Can We Just End This Already?

As I alluded to in my write up of hometowns, this part of the season gets pretty boring.

All our contestants do is talk about love and other dumb stuff like that, leaving those of us who watch more for nonsense than substance waiting for any scrap of something to hold onto. Most weeks, it’s literally only in the preview of the show. This is one of those weeks.

A little peek behind the curtain here, I’ve never actually finished recapping a whole season of the Bach or Lorette. By the time we get to this point, it’s such a goddamn chore that I usually just throw in the towel. Not this time. I’m going to see one of these things through, even if it kills me, for you, my dear reader. I’m like a much hotter, much cooler Jesus.

This week was so boring and uneventful, that you’re going to get a pretty fast and dirty recap. Don’t like it? Tough. Life isn’t fair.

This episode was interesting in the fact that it was a small break from the norm. Usually, when we get to fantasy suites (aka, fuck mountain) all the suitors are separated and they just hang out, waiting for their chance to finger or be fingered.

However, because Rachel’s sister is suuuuuuuper pregnant and unable to make the trip to Spain for the traditional finale (pronounce fin-all-eee) “meet the family” shindig, this episode started in Dallas, with each of the three remaining fuckbois meeting the Lindsays. I’ll give you the 10,000 foot view of these encounters as they were both incredibly time-consuming and woefully uneventful.

Peter- It went well. He doubled down on not wanting to propose, which was well received by the fam, as they all seem to think it’s not the best idea to marry some one you met a few weeks ago on a TV show. I don’t understand their hesitancy, doesn’t this show have a 100% success rate?

Eric- It went well. Fam was a little dubious about his lack of a real relationship, but they came on board.

Bryan- It went medium. The fam thinks he’s super slick and was asking him some pointed questions (which really pissed Rach off, making me worried that Bry guy is gonna be the winner), but they more or less came around on him. Def lukewarm, but the preview made it seem like this would be a trainwreck, so that was disappointing.

Miscellaneous note:

Rachel’s brother-in-law has seriously stepped his game up. This is what he looked like during her hometown on Nick’s season

And this is what he was looking like now

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Well done, weird brother in law. This is the difference between being related to the Bachelorette and a just some suitor.

After this we got one and a half fantasy suites.

First there was Hunches’s date. They rode in a helicopter and hung out at a cool old church. Hunches said some hilarious shit, they kissed. They went to the fantasy suite and, presumably, to town on one another. Pretty boring, but it seems like Hunches could well get that second slot, but not necessarily because he’s her second favorite, but because of something I like to call:

ConBon’s Theory of Placating the Winner

The theory goes a little something like this: By this point in the show, most of the leads know who they want to win. They have their favorite and banging in spectacular places isn’t really going to make that person less appealing. Because the eventual winner is already chosen, it now behooves the Bach or Lorette to assuage any¬† fears their future ex-fiance may have going into the final rose ceremony. The best way to do this is to send your true number two home after the fantasy suites. This creates less tension for the winner (as they can def tell you’re more into them) and makes your decision less difficult.

Presumed past examples (because obviously no one would admit to this shit) are Chris taking Becca, the boring virgin, over Kaitlyn (aka best Lorette ever), or last season, when Nick took fucking Raven over all-around catch (and current Lorette) Rachel.

Were Rach to ascribe to this theory, then it would only make sense to keep Hunches, as Bry and Peter are so clearly her faves.

Peter’s date was infinitely more tumultuous. The issue, and it’s a big one, is that Peter doesn’t want to get engaged this fast and Rach doesn’t want to leave the show without a ring. They go back and forth about this with no real resolution and then the ep just… ends.

This tension won’t even get resolved for two more weeks, as the next ep is the Men Tell All or, as I like to call it, the Men Talk Over Each Other. Seriously, that episode is almost always nonsense. I’ll be recapping that soon, I swear.