Take Me Home To The FuckBoiz

Hometowns, sweet hometowns, how I long for thee.

I find that most seasons of the Bach or Lorette tend to have a certain rhythm to them. Things start out fast, so many dudes/ladies, it’s bound to be interesting. We start whittling down the group, getting rid of the boring ones and the uggos. The show will usually then hit a sweet spot, where just enough shitty/fucked up people remain that there’s the perfect balance of camera-time/shenanigans. The search for Loveis still raging, but there’s a lot o’ drama as well (usually peaking with the two-on-one).

Unfortunately, this is often followed by a real down period. Most of the truly garbage humans are gone (one last “fuck you, Lee” for old time’s sake), pretty much all of the people left are starting to get serious, and camera time for everyone, even the hot boring ones, starts to balloon (anyone remember Chase from Jojo’s season? me neither).

Without some antics, the show becomes a repetitive cycle of people tonguing one another down in increasingly exotic and expensive locales.

Don’t get me wrong, I love every stupid minute of it. It just gets a lil bo-rang

And then we get some mafuckin hometowns.

Hometowns shake stuff up in the best of ways. Even when most of the dates are fairly uneventful, the editors always have enough footage to make it look like shit goes south on the “Coming up, on the Bachelorette” segments (video editing is magical like that). Even when it goes smooth, there’s some small joy in having the rug yanked out from under you.

We get people’s families, who are almost always good for something. At this point, we’re so starved for some variety, it almost doesn’t matter. Sometimes it’s the little things, like watching Nick pretend to like Corrine’s dad’s shitty olives. Sometimes it’s epic, like Jojo’s mom’s mom drinking straight out the bottle like a true fucking champ

And that’s without even touching all the shitty, overly-protective mothers, fathers, brothers, sisters, cousins, in-laws, step-siblings, next-door neighbors, gas station attendants, etc.

Gone are all the fancy places and exotic dates . Goodbye Fiji, hello Flint.

With that said, it feels only appropriate that we start hometowns in…

My Wire heads know what’s up.

Major Hunches (né Eric) is from Baltimore and is excited to show Rachel the city he came from. Apparently, many of the men in Hunches’ fam have made their living “on the streets” (once again, my Wire heads will know what’s up) and he learned from their mistakes and such.

Hunches hometown had two real takeaways.

  1.  He’s ready for love. This matters, cuz apparently he’s never been in love, whatever that means.
  2. His parents did a bad job of raising him, yet want to take all the credit for the man he became.

Me here at Connie Bongrips was very excited for the potential throwdown between Hunches and his mom over his allegations of her not loving him, but, when I thought she would zig, Hunches’ mom zagged. She said that she had seen strong men in her family cling to their mothers and not reach their potential, and that was her rationale for not showing her son love. Not only did she acknowledge being a mediocre mom, she fucking leaned into it.

This was further compounded by his dad talking about how strong of a man Hunches had become despite him not really being around, and taking some credit for it.

And it was all such a crock of shit.

Just because something turned out well despite you, doesn’t mean it was because of you. I’d like to say that my early teenage ignorance of Destiny’s Child turned Beyonce into the woman that she is today, but life doesn’t work that way. Shitty parents can have good kids.

But even with all that, Rach was def still feeling the family vibes and Hunches was cheesing like a motherfucker

dat cheeze

Goddamn. That cheese.

Before she goes, Hunches tells her more or less that he’s in love with her. She says he didn’t say it, but he basically did, so she needs to give the dude a break.

Date Numero Dos was Bryan a Miami (imagine that the a has an accent, I don’t know to do that on WordPress). Take-aways from Bryan’s date

  1. He overuses the word vibrance when describing Miami.
  2. Rach wants to fuck him very badly (this we’ve known)
  3. His relationship with his mom is going to be a problem
  4. He wears v-necks under polos

dat v.png

This dude’s mom. The amount of times she referred to him as her “life”, or “light”, or “love” was borderline Oedipal. And all that shit aside, this lady literally threatened to kill Rach (jokingly, but was it?) if she tried to take him away from her.

Lady, we get it, you like your only son. But goddamn, you gotta ease it back a notch.

Apparently Bryan’s last girlfriend tried to come between him and his mom (I wonder why?) and it hadn’t gone well. The subtext of all of this was essentially, Rachel, watch yourself, cuz we’ll kill you if you take our greasy player away from us.

I don’t like Bryan. And I’m really worried he’s gonna win. Oh yeah and he said he loved her. Cool.

Peter Peter Hopeful Winner was third. Now, in the interest of full disclosure, I should mention that my dear sister lives in Madison, WI (Peter’s hometown) and one of her friend’s had seen Rachel at the farmers market this summer, so I was pretty sure Peter was getting a hometown. That being said, this shit went pretty well. Peter got to show off his ethnically diverse friend group (eyyyyy black friends) and introduce Rach to his fam.

The bullet points for Pedro’s date:

  1. He’s good with kids
  2. His walls are up.

Kids-wise, Peter’s niece and nephew were there, giving him the prime opportunity to showcase his ability to not hate children, which can take one a long way in this search for Love.

Continuing the theme from last week was his hesitance to commit to marriage if it doesn’t feel right. I hope this doesn’t matter, but I’m increasingly worried that it will. Rachel keeps saying she doesn’t want a boyfriend, but a fiance. It makes me wonder if she realizes that a fiance is just a boyfriend that dropped a lot of money, or, in this case, facetime with Neil Lane, on a ring, but I guess that’s just semantics at this point.

The date was pretty boring for the most part, but it did seem to go well, so fingers crossed that Pedro can pull this one out.

This whole ep was pretty much an enormous lead in to Dean’s hometown. All the other dates were of the rug-pulling variety (mostly hinted at drama that never materialized) but Dean’s was the real deal.

Things about Dean’s fam:

  1. His dad is now a Sihk, who goes by Parumrup
  2. He hasn’t seen his dad in 2 years
  3. His whole family hasn’t been under the same roof in 8 years
  4. His dad got rid of all the tables

The last point didn’t matter, but it made for some funny conversation.

The big thing is that Dean and his dad are crazy weird. Dean’s mom died about a decade ago, and it seem to tear their family apart. Dean’s dad wasn’t there for him in the way he needed, and it hurt their relationship.

Dean was so ridiculously nervous for this whole meeting that you couldn’t help but feel bad for the guy. Just look at him

comfydean.gif

As they’re going in, he literally says, “This is going to be awful.”

And he’s right.

We, the viewers, were treated to a lot of hippie-dippie new age nonsense, like Dean’s dad playing the gong because he likes the sounds of, while everyone lays around and listens.

 

His dad serves them some shitty vegetarian dish with sprouted mung beans, and Dean doesn’t eat any of it. Eventually Parumrup asks for some alone time with Dean, presumably to talk over some shit.

Now Parumrup thinks this is going to be easy. He even says to Dean, “I must be a pretty great dad because look at my son” (lol, nice try dad). Little does he realize he’s just opening the flood gates for ol’ Deanie Baby to unload a decade of frustration. Dean calls his dad out hard for not being there for him when his mom died, and his dad does not take it well. He gets crazy defensive, accuses Dean of having one foot in the past, and says that he can’t understand what Dean was going through (wrong answer, bro).

This whole convo goes verrrrrry poorly, with Parumrup evetually storming off and doing this

classicparumrum.gif

Classic Parumrup.

Eventually Rach  tries to talk to him. Things start to get real, until Parumrup notices the cameras and nopes the fuck out of there. Date over. Dean says he’s falling in love with her and, shockingly, she says she’s falling in love with him.

And that brings us to the rose ceremony, where Rach unceremoniously sends Deanie Baby packing.

Was it his dad? Was it him? We’ll never know, but I think it’s probably easiest for everyone if we just blame his dad. That dude was weird and this show (while weird as fuck) is so square, I don’t think there was ever room for Parumrup to truly shine.

Oh well, at least we’ll always have the gong.

The big shocker for me in all of this, is that we’re one week away from fantasy suites (aka Pound Town). Why couldn’t Rach hold out a little longer and get her hands on that nubile, young Deanie Bod? I really thought that was the plan all along. Just one of the many reason why I’m not the Bachelorette, I guess.

Next week though, it’s time for Rach to take these boys for a test ride and see what they’ve got. Smart money says greasy Bryan knows how to work it. Hopefully Pete can get over his inability to love good and at least knows how to fuck good. We shall see.

Power Rankings (on one line, cuz who the fuck cares at this point?)

Pedro, Greasy Bry, Hunches

 

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