Here we are folks, back in the thick of things. Rachel has been searching for Love™ juuust long enough that were starting to get some decent drama. We’ve got beef between Whaboom (person) and Blake, Whaboom (utterance) and Ashton Kutcher, Demario and honesty, Eric (Col. Mustard) and good posture.
Just look at that goddamn hunch.
We kicked things off this week with a group date that was meant to test the fucbois’ abilities as fathers through a shitty chore themed obstacle course. Ashton Kutcher and Mila Kunis were brought out to explain the rules (a surprising twist, given neither of them is featured in any Disney movie at the moment) and generally be famous. The race itself was fairly uneventful, with two notable exceptions:
- The producers chose to blur out the “poop” covered butts of some baby-dolls. What didn’t they want us to see? Was that real poop? Did the babies have little baby dicks? WE DEMAND ANSWERS
- Whaboom stiff-armed the fuck out of Cuckolding Kenny to win the race. This dude, while extremely awful, goes hard in the paint
This leads us to our first confrontation, Whaboom (utterance) and Kutcher.
Completely hyped off his big W, ol’ Whaboom asked if Ashton would give him a “whaboom” as a perverse prize for his victory. Ashton, always the actor, feigned ignorance at first. Whaboom was only too happy to show him how it’s done. Ashton was not impressed
That is the face of a man who does not want to become a meme. Round 1, Kutcher.
From there, our intrepid ‘Lorette took her merry band of shit jugglers to get drinks and talk. It is here, that we get into our second Whaboom-based bit of drama.
It turns out Blake, the aspiring drummer (sidenote: we’ve seen this guy drum. I think that means he’s just a drummer), lived with Whaboom’s ex and knows that he’s here just to advance his super chill brand and try to get on TV (aka the Wrong Reasons).
I’m not sure why drummy Blake thinks everyone doesn’t already know that from the several minutes (on TV nonetheless!) they’ve all spent with Whaboom, but still he feels the need to share this earth-shattering revelation with Rachel. To her cred, Rachel doesn’t really react to this. I mean, what is she supposed to do? It’s not like she’s for real trying to smash the dude who makes a living screaming at the top of his lungs and hawking tank tops. Whaboom, sucks, but Blake is a fucking snitch. And nobody likes a fucking snitch.
After this stellar group date, in which Rach bitched multiple times about how boring the dudes were, we got the one on one date we were all dreaming of.
Peter, my personal pick for Rachel’s future ex-fiance, got the coveted first one on one. And this was no ordinary one on one, no. Rachel brought America’s favorite being, her awesome gimpy dog, Copper. Now this little bastard broke his leg at some point, so now all he can do is adorably hop around
What a goddamn champion.
Rachel and Peter had a good time blah blah blah who cares. There were cute dogs.
The final date of the ‘sode was yet another group date, this time with 10 of these motherfuckers. They got the pleasure of shooting hoops with NBA legend (and possible Slender Man) Kareem Abdul-Jabbar. This was a great chance for Bachelor Nation to see how truly awful at basketball most of the dudes are. It was brick city, with only a couple guys differentiating themselves. Eric (Col. Mustard), likes to dance when he dribbles. Demario likes to dunk. Who can blame the guy? If I could dunk, I’d try to find ways to work it into all my dates.
Unfortunately for Demario, it was not all fun and posterizing. After the lowest scoring 20 minute of basketball this side of 4th grade rec game, our lovely ‘Lorette was visited by a woman claiming to be Demario’s ex, who only found out they were broken up when she saw him on TV, offering to elope with Rachel.
Needing to get to the bottom of this, Rachel summons the lil fucboi. Demario thinks this means he’s getting the group date rose and is super pumped. That all changes the second he lays eyes on his ex
Of all the things to say in this situation, “Ohhhhhhhh, who’s this?” is probably not the best choice.
Demario vs the Truth
This fucking dude manages to run through the whole fucboi playbook in less than a minute.
- Denies knowing this woman
- Interrupts Rachel constantly
- Refuses to answer yes or no questions
- Calls the the woman crazy
- Lies about demonstrable facts
It’s like a case study in how to be the worst.
To prove her point, Demario’s ex offers to show Rachel their text convo, which contained this gem:
That right there is a wall of text, followed by a single, solitary sad emoji.
Rachel sent Demario’s ass packing, telling him “I’m really gonna need you to get the fuck out.” Can we take a brief moment to savor the Bachelorette getting to swear on camera. I’m sure it happens a decent amount, but those darn producers really do a great job of not showing them unless they absolutely have to. And thanks to Demario and his aversion to honesty, we, Bachelor Nation, were treated to an especially glorious moment.
The rest of the date was dudes being shocked, Col Mustard kissing Rachel, Alex (self proclaimed music hater) singing, and not a whole lot else.
Next, the fellas convened at the cocktail party and were starting to chat up our ‘Lorette, when Demario showed up (totally of his own volition, nothing to do with the producers) and wanted a chance to talk to Rachel. Unfortunately, we got hit with the dreaded cliffhanger, and that’s where we were left
One week in and we’re already off the rose ceremony schedule. Not a great start, but that usually means we’re in for some real ass drama
- Cuckolding Kenny is growing on me. I don’t think he’s top four material, but he’ll be around a while
- Dean is making it to the Fantasy Suite so Rachel can get her hands on that nubile, young bod
- The tickle monster knew way too much about baby butts for some one that doesn’t have a kid
- “Kill or be eaten” is not how the phrase goes
- Ashton Kutcher needs to do something about his nips
Well it was a fun-filled ep this week, and with, any luck, this will be just the first of many. There’s a lot of shitty dudes in this group, we can only hope they keep it up.
Til next week, here’s a some shitty basketball to tide you over