Addressing the Elephant in the Whaboom

It’s finally happened folks. After what felt like an interminable wait, at long last, we have more Bach’ise content.

Mind you, it is just the limo episode, 2 hours known more for bullshit antics than actual substance (or whatever that amounts to in this universe), but it is our first true glimpse at what these fucboi’s actually have to offer.

Obviously, any discussion of this first episode has to start with…

Fucking whaboom.

I’m not going to talk about Lucas and his… catchphrase? …occupation? …blatant attempt to sell merch? too much, as I think it really speaks for itself. The dude is obnoxious as fuck. Everybody knows somebody like this who just goes way too hard and is not funny. I’m pretty sure I occupied that role in the lives of most of my 7th grade classmates, but I, like most humans, was able to eventually overcome my extremely shitty nature and a become less offensive person to physically be near.

This dude has not.

Now, what I think is far more interesting about Lucas than his actual self is his continued existence on this show. Seasoned Bach veterans know this trope all too well. Every season, there’s some person who has no business staying, yet seems to make it through a rose ceremony or two to the bewilderment of the audience and the hilarious dismay of the people getting sent home. I mean, just imagine getting dumped for a dude whose most charming quality is he doesn’t talk while he juggles.

It is these characters that make us as viewers so acutely aware of the influence of producers on the product, because there is not a chance in hell Rachel chose this

over this

It just isn’t possible. The premier is usually when the heavy hand of the production team is most obvious and that makes sense. There’s plenty of fat to trim in terms of contestants (we started with 31 fucboi’s) and, because we don’t know any of these dudes, the first ep can be especially boring. We need idiots to spice it up, but where is the line?

That’s a tough question to answer, but you know it when we’ve crossed it, and folks, we’re on the other side of the damn Rubicon.

Lucas is so far from a suitable suitor that even I cannot suspend my disbelief. And unlike other obnoxious weirdos of past season (where fore art thou, Ashley S?), this dude plain sucks. There’s nothing remotely funny or entertaining about him. He just yells a bunch. Even the crop of other weirdos this season seems to be going too far. Take the tickle monster, Jonathan, for example.

Jonathan’s idea of a great first impression was to tickle not only the Bachelorette (without asking, mind you), but a few other fellow competitors as well. Leaving aside all of the issues of touching people without their consent, WHO THE FUCK EVER WANTS TO BE TICKLED? As my dear uncle used to say, “Tickle is torture” (coincidentally, that line is five syllables and just missed the cut for Jonathan’s haiku), which makes Jonathan the Mr. Blonde of this ragtag group of crooks trying to steal Rachel’s heart.

Luckily for us viewers, the Bachelor gods gave us one throwback weirdo, Adam. This dude showed up night one with this Michael Meyer’s looking doll that is his… son, I guess?

It was not imminently clear what role this doll plays in Adams life, but one thing is clear, it’s fucking odd. But it’s odd in a dumb, wholesome way that doesn’t make you hate your life and wonder why the fuck you waste so many hours of it watching this garbage.

All of this is to say, this first ep was just okay. Luckily, the This Season, on the Bachelorette montage hinted at some great things to come. We’ve got blood (possibly fake), a country singer who’s also an asshole (who saw that coming?), lots of tears, and maybe even some love™. Should be a wild ride

Quick Rips

[Every week, in this section, I give you some of my scorching-est takes]

  • I think Peter will win it all
  • Bryan is  douche and Rachel is dumb for liking him
  • Also, he kisses like a fucking Dementor
  • Cuckolding Kenny has grown on me
  • There are too many people with dead relatives this year
  • Someone at ABC own’s a majority stake in Whaboom Inc. and Lucas is going to be a part of our lives for a few more weeks
  • Using a penguin costume to hide your balding head is the kind of bold strategy that could only originate in the mind of a true genius
  • From here on out, I’ll be referring to Eric as Col. Mustard

Just look at that shit. Too fucking yellow.

Sad!

Don’t forget to join me next week as we continue on our quest to watch Rachel dump 30 bros in a matter of a few weeks.

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