Well, it’s that time of the year. Bachelorette is not fully back yet, but the smell of roses and right reasons is in the air, and ABC just released their preview of the cast of fellas that will be vying for the opportunity to break off their engagement with Rachel in a few months.
These profiles are great for a few reasons.
- They’re a great excuse to judge people on incredibly superficial stuff. Who doesn’t love that?
- ABC asks some really dumb questions
- They give some really dumb answers
- There are a lot of interesting ideas on what counts as an “occupation”
Now it would be a big task to go through all of these profiles and give you my full and honest opinion of these jabroni’s, and frankly, I don’t really feel like it. So here’s what I’ll do. I’ll give you their pic, some relevant Q&A’s, and a haiku highlighting my thoughts. If that’s not enough for you, well fuck you. Jk, we’re chill, but you gotta take it easy with those expectations. I am but one man.
Without further ado, let’s get it
What are your top 3 favorite movies? Transformers, The Pursuit of Happyness, The Wolf of Wall Street
You look so boring
You wannabe finance bro
Get the fucking ‘ludes
What is the most outrageous thing you have ever done? Ate a live salamander
Who are your top 3 favorite groups/artists & why? Coldplay, Beatles … Can’t really think of a third one. Music isn’t a big part of my life.
Avoid men like this
He may really be soulless
This fuck eats lizards
If you could be someone else for just one day, who would it be and why? My mom. I wish I could see the world as she does to understand her better.
At last a good guy
He seems like he might not suck
Rachel, there is hope
Occupation: Aspiring Drummer
If you could watch any movie right now, what would it be, and why? The new 50 Shades of Grey movie because I love taboo sexy stuff.
This dude has no job
That movie is not sexy
Have you heard of porn?
Occupation: U.S. Marine Veteran
Do you have a serious fear of any kind of animal? Sharks! Have you ever seen Shark Week? I can’t get into the ocean for weeks after watching.
If you were stranded on a dessert island, what would it be made of? Chipotle because Chipotle is my life.
Yes I’ve seen shark week
Chipotle is so basic
Shout out to the troops
Occupation: Male Model
What do you do for fun in your hometown? Go to the beach. Go to the lake, golf, go sledding, go tackle snowmen.
What’s the most romantic present you have ever received and why? Lululemon sweatpants. She knew the way to my heart is cuddling on the couch in well-made, high-quality sweats.
Bro, where do you live?
Future yoga-pants mogul
But why male models?
What is your favorite television show and why? Sports Center. I love sports and love talking sports with my friends, so I get most information from that show and sports talk radio. And believe it or not, The Bachelor/Bachelorette series. I’m fascinated by the interaction socially between a man and a woman in dating/relationship/marriage, etc.
What’s the most embarrassing style you’ve rocked? JNCO Jeans!! Sooooo baggy lol. Skate or die, man!! I looked ridiculous!
Marriage etc, bro
JNCO, so baggy
Would you describe yourself as “the party-starter,” “the wingman” or “the laid back one”? Laid back shot of gasoline when the fire starts to die.
What’s your biggest date fear? The chick is actually a dude.
“Laid back shot of gasoline”
Oh, you’re transphobic!
If you were stranded on a dessert island, what would it be made of? Hot Cheetos and mint chocolate chip ice cream
Tattoos: Mom’s initials on chest, artwork on back, friend’s initials on back, “Righteous” on inner lip, Latin on hip, Triforce on inner arm
Eating Hot Cheetos
I now dub thee Tattoo-Boi
Island made of gout
He is so boring
This haiku is hard to write
What a long necklace
What’s your most embarrassing moment? When I was stranded on a toilet for hours in 5th grade
Tell us a fun story about a one night stand. I spent all day with this girl and she ended up coming home with me and we had sex. She then received a text saying her brother was missing, so I played asleep so I didn’t have to help!
Are those glasses real?
A life spent on the toilet
Missing brothers suck
If you were stranded on a desert island, what 3 things would you bring with you and why? And what, under any circumstance could you not tolerate on that island? Water, Book of Proverbs, phone. I could not tolerate negative people.
What is your favorite soft drink/juice? Green drink
Does not understand
Exactly how cell phones work
Green is not a drink
Ever have trouble in the bedroom? Or been turned on during the wrong time? We want to hear what happened! Yes, there are times that I get aroused at work and I have to go back to my desk to avoid being noticed.
Who is your favorite artist? Jean-Michel Basquiat
Swag like Carlton
Needs to learn to hide boner
At least he likes art
Do you follow a specific diet? See food diet. If I see it, I’ll eat it.
What are your favorite magazines? Playboy? 😉
Steal jokes from hooters
Gets his porn from magazines
Sounds like a winner
Ever have trouble in the bedroom? Or been turned on during the wrong time? We want to hear what happened! I once got a boner during a board meeting. I had to present sitting down.
Who is your favorite artist? Dali
What do we have here?
Yet another horny bro
Who also likes art
What is your favorite flower? Tulips. Basically, roses without thorns. There’s a metaphor somewhere there.
Tulips and roses
Aren’t even close to the same
Stick to lawyering
Describe your best friend of the opposite sex and why she/she deserves that title: I do not have female friends.
Has no female friends
Probably because he sucks
Women are objects
Tattoos: Cross on wrist, Proverbs 3:5 across back, wolf on left shoulder
What is your greatest achievement to date? Building my parents a 5,000-square-foot log home on 10 acres in Montana.
No one is impressed
We get it you like Jesus
Now fix your dumb face
Occupation: Tickle Monster
What is your most embarrassing moment? I had a mullet in 4th grade. My sister swears I wanted my hair cut that way. I like to believe that’s not true. Haha.
How do I begin?
Could you be more of a creep?
Mullets never die
Occupation: Prosecuting Attorney
What are your favorite activities to do with a group? Jet skiing, gun range shooting, playing football
Can you jet ski in a group?
That sounds dangerous
Who is the person you love most in this world and why? My daughter. She is literally my reason for living. She makes my life better.
***Quickly Taken Down From His Bio***
What’s the wildest thing you’ve done in the bedroom? Had sex with a wife while her husband watched.
They took this part down
But this guy likes to cuckold
Does his daughter watch?
Gluten? Not really sure what it is or what food it lives in, but I select gluten-free menu options when I can.
Avoid all gluten
And you will live forever
Buttons are your friend
Who do you admire most in the world and why? My Mamaw! I admire how she adapts to the circumstances she faces enough to progress and successfully thrive. She survived the Depression as a kid, grew and raised an incredible family.
I assume Mawmaw
Is some kind of fancy bird
Good for you, bird mom
If you could have lunch with one person, who would it be and why? Dead: Bruce Jenner, Alive: Caitlyn Jenner …. Would be a very interesting convo.
What does whaboom mean?
Bruce Jenner isn’t dead, bro
He ceased to exist
Who do you admire most in the world and why? My parents for setting the bar when it comes to relationships as far as I’m concerned.
Shut your stupid face
My parents love each other
Way more than your’s do
Who is your favorite actor and why? Denzel, because every movie he was in were all classics and for him to act in several different characters is very impressive.
All these mofos love Denzel
Is this a race thing?
What do you hope to get out of participating in this television show? Real answer? Discovered. Everyone tells me I’m made for TV/movies. Doesn’t mean I’m out here hoping for that, but I would like to break into writing or acting.
At least he’s honest
And he leaves no shred of doubt
Fuck your right reason
What’s the wildest thing you’ve done in the bedroom? One word: Tabasco.
I feel for this guy
Behold a token brown dude
He likes spicy sex
What is your greatest achievement to date? Three Ironmans. One on a broken foot.
Color me impressed
Three Ironmans is a lot
I’ve only fucked one
What kind of music do you listen to most often? When I work, chill electronic with no words. When I’m just chilling, acoustic guitar sets.
If you could be any superhero, which one would you be and why? Superman! He’s got the coolest superpowers and is also a U.S. alien, like me!
If you could have lunch with one person who would it be and why? Buddha. So I could discuss his philosophies on detachment, suffering and divinity.
Your music tastes suck
Superman is from Krypton
Buddha would hate you
Meatloaf said he would “do anything for love, but he won’t do that.” What will you not do? Be someone’s second choice.
If you are second
Does it really count as love?
I’d have to say no
There you have it folks. 31 dudes. 31 works of perfect poetry. There are some real duds in this cast (aren’t there always?) and I can’t wait to find out who actually sucks and who only kind of sucks.
From the early returns, it looks like we’ll have a lot of douches, but that isn’t too surprising. I only hope our intrepid ‘Lorette can navigate these turd filled waters and come out the other side engaged to some one who isn’t Alex. Seriously, fuck that dude. Who doesn’t listen to music?
If you have any brilliant haikus of your own, please send ’em my way @ConnieBongrips or leave ’em in the comments.
When next we meet, we’ll have an actual show to discuss. Bout fucking time