Addressing the Elephant in the Whaboom

It’s finally happened folks. After what felt like an interminable wait, at long last, we have more Bach’ise content.

Mind you, it is just the limo episode, 2 hours known more for bullshit antics than actual substance (or whatever that amounts to in this universe), but it is our first true glimpse at what these fucboi’s actually have to offer.

Obviously, any discussion of this first episode has to start with…

Fucking whaboom.

I’m not going to talk about Lucas and his… catchphrase? …occupation? …blatant attempt to sell merch? too much, as I think it really speaks for itself. The dude is obnoxious as fuck. Everybody knows somebody like this who just goes way too hard and is not funny. I’m pretty sure I occupied that role in the lives of most of my 7th grade classmates, but I, like most humans, was able to eventually overcome my extremely shitty nature and a become less offensive person to physically be near.

This dude has not.

Now, what I think is far more interesting about Lucas than his actual self is his continued existence on this show. Seasoned Bach veterans know this trope all too well. Every season, there’s some person who has no business staying, yet seems to make it through a rose ceremony or two to the bewilderment of the audience and the hilarious dismay of the people getting sent home. I mean, just imagine getting dumped for a dude whose most charming quality is he doesn’t talk while he juggles.

It is these characters that make us as viewers so acutely aware of the influence of producers on the product, because there is not a chance in hell Rachel chose this

over this

It just isn’t possible. The premier is usually when the heavy hand of the production team is most obvious and that makes sense. There’s plenty of fat to trim in terms of contestants (we started with 31 fucboi’s) and, because we don’t know any of these dudes, the first ep can be especially boring. We need idiots to spice it up, but where is the line?

That’s a tough question to answer, but you know it when we’ve crossed it, and folks, we’re on the other side of the damn Rubicon.

Lucas is so far from a suitable suitor that even I cannot suspend my disbelief. And unlike other obnoxious weirdos of past season (where fore art thou, Ashley S?), this dude plain sucks. There’s nothing remotely funny or entertaining about him. He just yells a bunch. Even the crop of other weirdos this season seems to be going too far. Take the tickle monster, Jonathan, for example.

Jonathan’s idea of a great first impression was to tickle not only the Bachelorette (without asking, mind you), but a few other fellow competitors as well. Leaving aside all of the issues of touching people without their consent, WHO THE FUCK EVER WANTS TO BE TICKLED? As my dear uncle used to say, “Tickle is torture” (coincidentally, that line is five syllables and just missed the cut for Jonathan’s haiku), which makes Jonathan the Mr. Blonde of this ragtag group of crooks trying to steal Rachel’s heart.

Luckily for us viewers, the Bachelor gods gave us one throwback weirdo, Adam. This dude showed up night one with this Michael Meyer’s looking doll that is his… son, I guess?

It was not imminently clear what role this doll plays in Adams life, but one thing is clear, it’s fucking odd. But it’s odd in a dumb, wholesome way that doesn’t make you hate your life and wonder why the fuck you waste so many hours of it watching this garbage.

All of this is to say, this first ep was just okay. Luckily, the This Season, on the Bachelorette montage hinted at some great things to come. We’ve got blood (possibly fake), a country singer who’s also an asshole (who saw that coming?), lots of tears, and maybe even some love™. Should be a wild ride

Quick Rips

[Every week, in this section, I give you some of my scorching-est takes]

  • I think Peter will win it all
  • Bryan is  douche and Rachel is dumb for liking him
  • Also, he kisses like a fucking Dementor
  • Cuckolding Kenny has grown on me
  • There are too many people with dead relatives this year
  • Someone at ABC own’s a majority stake in Whaboom Inc. and Lucas is going to be a part of our lives for a few more weeks
  • Using a penguin costume to hide your balding head is the kind of bold strategy that could only originate in the mind of a true genius
  • From here on out, I’ll be referring to Eric as Col. Mustard

Just look at that shit. Too fucking yellow.

Sad!

Don’t forget to join me next week as we continue on our quest to watch Rachel dump 30 bros in a matter of a few weeks.

Advertisements

Rachel’s Meat Market

Well, it’s that time of the year. Bachelorette is not fully back yet, but the smell of roses and right reasons is in the air, and ABC just released their preview of the cast of fellas that will be vying for the opportunity to break off their engagement with Rachel in a few months.

These profiles are great for a few reasons.

  1. They’re a great excuse to judge people on incredibly superficial stuff. Who doesn’t love that?
  2. ABC asks some really dumb questions
  3. They give some really dumb answers
  4. There are a lot of interesting ideas on what counts as an “occupation”

Now it would be a big task to go through all of these profiles and give you my full and honest opinion of these jabroni’s, and frankly, I don’t really feel like it. So here’s what I’ll do. I’ll give you their pic, some relevant Q&A’s, and a haiku highlighting my thoughts. If that’s not enough for you, well fuck you. Jk, we’re chill, but you gotta take it easy with those expectations. I am but one man.

Without further ado, let’s get it

Adam

What are your top 3 favorite movies? Transformers, The Pursuit of Happyness, The Wolf of Wall Street

You look so boring

You wannabe finance bro

Get the fucking ‘ludes

Alex

What is the most outrageous thing you have ever done? Ate a live salamander

Who are your top 3 favorite groups/artists & why? Coldplay, Beatles … Can’t really think of a third one. Music isn’t a big part of my life.

Avoid men like this

He may really be soulless

This fuck eats lizards

Anthony

If you could be someone else for just one day, who would it be and why? My mom. I wish I could see the world as she does to understand her better.

At last a good guy

He seems like he might not suck

Rachel, there is hope

Blake E.

Occupation: Aspiring Drummer

If you could watch any movie right now, what would it be, and why? The new 50 Shades of Grey movie because I love taboo sexy stuff.

This dude has no job

That movie is not sexy

Have you heard of porn?

Blake K.

Occupation: U.S. Marine Veteran

Do you have a serious fear of any kind of animal? Sharks! Have you ever seen Shark Week? I can’t get into the ocean for weeks after watching.

If you were stranded on a dessert island, what would it be made of? Chipotle because Chipotle is my life.

Yes I’ve seen shark week

Chipotle is so basic

Shout out to the troops

Brady

Occupation: Male Model

What do you do for fun in your hometown? Go to the beach. Go to the lake, golf, go sledding, go tackle snowmen.

What’s the most romantic present you have ever received and why? Lululemon sweatpants. She knew the way to my heart is cuddling on the couch in well-made, high-quality sweats.

Bro, where do you live?

Future yoga-pants mogul

But why male models?

Bryan

What is your favorite television show and why? Sports Center. I love sports and love talking sports with my friends, so I get most information from that show and sports talk radio. And believe it or not, The Bachelor/Bachelorette series. I’m fascinated by the interaction socially between a man and a woman in dating/relationship/marriage, etc.

What’s the most embarrassing style you’ve rocked? JNCO Jeans!! Sooooo baggy lol. Skate or die, man!! I looked ridiculous!

Sports/Sports/Sports

Marriage etc, bro

JNCO, so baggy

Bryce

Occupation: Firefighter

Would you describe yourself as “the party-starter,” “the wingman” or “the laid back one”? Laid back shot of gasoline when the fire starts to die.

What’s your biggest date fear? The chick is actually a dude.

Firefighting elf

“Laid back shot of gasoline”

Oh, you’re transphobic!

Dean

If you were stranded on a dessert island, what would it be made of? Hot Cheetos and mint chocolate chip ice cream

Tattoos: Mom’s initials on chest, artwork on back, friend’s initials on back, “Righteous” on inner lip, Latin on hip, Triforce on inner arm

Eating Hot Cheetos

I now dub thee Tattoo-Boi

Island made of gout 

DeMario

He is so boring

This haiku is hard to write

What a long necklace

Diggy

What’s your most embarrassing moment? When I was stranded on a toilet for hours in 5th grade

Tell us a fun story about a one night stand. I spent all day with this girl and she ended up coming home with me and we had sex. She then received a text saying her brother was missing, so I played asleep so I didn’t have to help!

Are those glasses real?

A life spent on the toilet

Missing brothers suck

Eric

If you were stranded on a desert island, what 3 things would you bring with you and why? And what, under any circumstance could you not tolerate on that island? Water, Book of Proverbs, phone. I could not tolerate negative people.

What is your favorite soft drink/juice? Green drink

Does not understand

Exactly how cell phones work

Green is not a drink

Fred

Ever have trouble in the bedroom? Or been turned on during the wrong time? We want to hear what happened! Yes, there are times that I get aroused at work and I have to go back to my desk to avoid being noticed.

Who is your favorite artist? Jean-Michel Basquiat

Swag like Carlton

Needs to learn to hide boner

At least he likes art

Grant

Do you follow a specific diet? See food diet. If I see it, I’ll eat it.

What are your favorite magazines? Playboy? 😉

Steal jokes from hooters

Gets his porn from magazines

Sounds like a winner

Iggy

Ever have trouble in the bedroom? Or been turned on during the wrong time? We want to hear what happened! I once got a boner during a board meeting. I had to present sitting down.

Who is your favorite artist? Dali

What do we have here?

Yet another horny bro

Who also likes art

Jack Stone

Occupation: Attorney

What is your favorite flower? Tulips. Basically, roses without thorns. There’s a metaphor somewhere there.

Tulips and roses

Aren’t even close to the same

Stick to lawyering

Jamey

Describe your best friend of the opposite sex and why she/she deserves that title: I do not have female friends.

Has no female friends

Probably because he sucks

Women are objects

Jedidiah

Tattoos: Cross on wrist, Proverbs 3:5 across back, wolf on left shoulder

What is your greatest achievement to date? Building my parents a 5,000-square-foot log home on 10 acres in Montana.

No one is impressed

We get it you like Jesus

Now fix your dumb face

Jonathan

Occupation: Tickle Monster

What is your most embarrassing moment? I had a mullet in 4th grade. My sister swears I wanted my hair cut that way. I like to believe that’s not true. Haha.

How do I begin?

Could you be more of a creep?

Mullets never die

Josiah

Occupation: Prosecuting Attorney

What are your favorite activities to do with a group? Jet skiing, gun range shooting, playing football

Another lawyer

Can you jet ski in a group?

That sounds dangerous

Kenny

Who is the person you love most in this world and why? My daughter. She is literally my reason for living. She makes my life better.

***Quickly Taken Down From His Bio***

What’s the wildest thing you’ve done in the bedroom? Had sex with a wife while her husband watched.

They took this part down

But this guy likes to cuckold

Does his daughter watch? 

Kyle

Gluten? Not really sure what it is or what food it lives in, but I select gluten-free menu options when I can.

Avoid all gluten

And you will live forever

Buttons are your friend

Lee

Who do you admire most in the world and why? My Mamaw! I admire how she adapts to the circumstances she faces enough to progress and successfully thrive. She survived the Depression as a kid, grew and raised an incredible family.

I assume Mawmaw

Is some kind of fancy bird

Good for you, bird mom

Lucas

Occupation: Whaboom

If you could have lunch with one person, who would it be and why? Dead: Bruce Jenner, Alive: Caitlyn Jenner …. Would be a very interesting convo.

What does whaboom mean?

Bruce Jenner isn’t dead, bro

He ceased to exist

Matt

Who do you admire most in the world and why? My parents for setting the bar when it comes to relationships as far as I’m concerned.

Shut your stupid face

My parents love each other

Way more than your’s do

Michael

Who is your favorite actor and why? Denzel, because every movie he was in were all classics and for him to act in several different characters is very impressive.

So apparently

All these mofos love Denzel

Is this a race thing?

Milton

What do you hope to get out of participating in this television show? Real answer? Discovered. Everyone tells me I’m made for TV/movies. Doesn’t mean I’m out here hoping for that, but I would like to break into writing or acting.

At least he’s honest

And he leaves no shred of doubt

Fuck your right reason

Mohit

What’s the wildest thing you’ve done in the bedroom? One word: Tabasco.

I feel for this guy

Behold a token brown dude

He likes spicy sex

Peter

What is your greatest achievement to date? Three Ironmans. One on a broken foot.

Color me impressed

Three Ironmans is a lot

I’ve only fucked one

Rob

What kind of music do you listen to most often? When I work, chill electronic with no words. When I’m just chilling, acoustic guitar sets.

If you could be any superhero, which one would you be and why? Superman! He’s got the coolest superpowers and is also a U.S. alien, like me!

If you could have lunch with one person who would it be and why? Buddha. So I could discuss his philosophies on detachment, suffering and divinity.

Your music tastes suck

Superman is from Krypton

Buddha would hate you

Will

Meatloaf said he would “do anything for love, but he won’t do that.” What will you not do? Be someone’s second choice.

If you are second

Does it really count as love?

I’d have to say no

Phewwwwwwwwwwwwww.

There you have it folks. 31 dudes. 31 works of perfect poetry. There are some real duds in this cast (aren’t there always?) and I can’t wait to find out who actually sucks and who only kind of sucks.

From the early returns, it looks like we’ll have a lot of douches, but that isn’t too surprising. I only hope our intrepid ‘Lorette can navigate these turd filled waters and come out the other side engaged to some one who isn’t Alex. Seriously, fuck that dude. Who doesn’t listen to music?

If you have any brilliant haikus of your own, please send ’em my way @ConnieBongrips or leave ’em in the comments.

When next we meet, we’ll have an actual show to discuss. Bout fucking time

And we’re back

Well folks, it feels like years since last I put digital pen to e-paper, and it was. Looking back, the last time I posted, Ben was Bachelor, we knew nothing about the Rodgers family drama, Nick was a fleeting memory in the rearview mirror, and Chris Soules had yet to kill anyone.

Simpler times.

Well I spent the last few years chilling on a beach in Vallarta, drinking tequila with Jorge and getting tan as fuck.

But enough about me, I’m back, and so is the content. We’re gonna have Bachelor (and ‘lorette) writeups, some other miscellaneous reality tv, and, if I’m feeling especially generous, a podcast.

Stay tuned, a preview of the cast of Rachel’s man-meat is in the pipeline