Hello fam, it’s me here at Connie Bongrips. Exxxtra extra read all about it, Connie is back bitches. Unfortunately, me here at Connie Bongrips has been slacking like a motherfucker, and it’s been 3 whole weeks since the world has heard the gospel. And it’s been a busy 3 weeks (both in BachCity and it Connie’s life). Gonna try real hard to recap everything, but fuck a lotta shit happened, and it may be impossible to do it all justice.
We gotta start with the Mouth, cuz where else does it start? Bitch had a wild couple o’ weeks. First there was SnitchFest ’16, where Emily (goalie twin) and co. snitched on the Mouth for being a beyotch. Then the almighty editors decided to not do a rose ceremony that ep and teased a potential rose revoking for the Mouth. In classic editor fashion, it was all bullshit and Ben sent lame azz Jennifer home. But that’s not where it ends.
The next ep (last week’s, for those keeping score at home, cuz fuck you, me here at Connie Bongrips am trying) had more Mouth-based drama, plus a surprise serving of bitchery from Leah (of being a the fucking clown fame) of all place. Leah realized, quite correctly, that she was totally fucked and Ben wasn’t trying to hit, so she responded the way any fuckboi would, by throwing frontrunner (and fo sho gonna win golden girl) Lauren B under the bus, telling our intrepid Bach that she was not being herself around him. The thought being, if she could knock off Lauren B. (lol, nice try, she’s gonna win, right?) then she wouldn’t get sent home. Well all that shit backfired and Ben sent her triflin azz home, but not before she blessed us with a fuckload of hilarious lines about how Ben wasn’t giving her a chance and how she’d make him so happy blah blah blahhhhhhhhh.
But Leah’s surprising bitchery aside, this episode was also the MUTHERFUCKING 2-ON-1 aka everyone’s fave date. And Ben decided to go balls to the walls snitcher vs snitchee in a Goalie Twin vs Mouth 2-on-1 to decide the fate of the house.
The Mouth was so hilariously confident going into this date, talking bout how she’s got it in the bag and she wasn’t even scared. Turns out, she was wrong AF. The date took place on a tiny ass island and pretty much consisted of each lady pitching Ben her respective merits, before Ben hilariously kicked the Mouth’s ass to the curb. Sadly the internet isn’t giving me here at Connie Bongrips any good pics of the Mouth being sadly left on the island while Ben and goalie twin jetted off to finger-blast each other (probably) cuz that scene was funny as fuck. But what can ya do?
Then we got a rose ceremony, and Lauren H. went home. Who fucking cares? This just means we can stop calling the presumptive winner Lauren B and just call her Lauren.
Phew. Now we’re caught up to this week, the week before hometowns, where shit gets real. TBH this week went exactly how me here at Connie Bongrips thought it would, right down to the fucking dates.
First, we had Lauren, doing a victory tour of Ben’s hometown (via the first one on one), where she got to go to his YMCA type thing and smooch him in front of Paul George, then she went to his local bar and got to smooch him in front of his friends. He liked it all, duh. Can we just call it? She won. Like, she’s gonna win. In the bag.
Then Jojo got her reaffirming date at Wrigley (although real talk, she’s #2 and ain’t gonna win, barring some kind of colossal fuck up by Lauren) where she got to be hot in Cub’s jersey and hang with Ben. Not much else happened. She’s runner up, maybe Bachelorette.
Then there was the group date. And let’s take a moment to talk about how ungrateful these bitches are about group dates. The last 2 weeks, the group dates have been a total fucking bummer cuz these ladies just fucking bitch the whole time. Chill ladies, you’re on the Bachelor, no shit your man is into other ladies. He’s literally dating 6 women RN. Chill.
This group date heavily featured Amanda talking about her kids (with hometowns around the corner that shit is on her mind), Caila continuing to be good not great, and Becca being a fucking rain cloud. Wanna know a way to make some one feel like you don’t have a connection? Keep telling him that you don’t feel like he’s giving you the validation he’s giving other women. That was Becca’s lame ass strategy, and it didn’t work. After a weird boat ride in a pond, where it was made apparent no one on this show knows how a rowboat works, and some kite flying, Ben chose to give the rose to Amanda. This prompted Becca to say, “How much validation does one person need?”
This is a valid question for 99% of the bitches who come on the Bachelor. However, when that woman is a mother, like Amanda, the answer is a lot. Like, she’s abandoned her children to be here. Every week, Ben needs to be positive he wants to keep her around, otherwise he’s dickin’ these kids out of having a mom, and that’s fucked. So yeah, she needs more validation than your average BachHoe. To top it all off, the validation she got was a dinner at McDonald’s and a trip to the county fair (whoopty fucking doo). Fuck you Becca. You’re so boring.
Quick aside. If Becca is somehow made the Bachelorette, me here at Connie Bongrips is gonna boycott. This bitch is so boring. She doesn’t even fuck. Not my Bachelorette. That is all.
Then we get Emily (aka Goalie Twin)’s one on one. This date was clearly Ben not feeling it (she’s way too young for marriage) and wanting some validation, so he took her to his parent’s house, to get his parents to tell him what he already knew. No one thought they were right for each other, and after some talk and a boat ride back to the ladies’ house, Ben let Goalie Twin go. She’ll be fine. She wants to be a cheerleader.
This left us with one bitch to go home at the rose ceremony. And it was super obvious who it was gonna be.
And her ass got sent home.
Not my bachelorette.
That leaves us with Lauren, Jojo, Caila, and Amanda for hometowns. Shit is about to get real real real real real REAL.
Right now it’s a tight race for second. Cuz let’s be real, Lauren’s gonna win. See you fools next week (me here at Connie Bongrips promises) for hometowns. Should be good.
PS, this ep of Bach Ramblings brought to you by Eagle Rare, the best damn bourbon a man can get. Forgive the typos, editing is for fuckboiz