Connie Bongrips here to give you all that hot ass Bach talk you know you need. This week was hometowns, aka invite this dude you barely know to meet your fam, while they grill him about the 3 other chicks he’s trying to bang. It’s usually awkward and can provide some real hilarity. This year it was pretty mellow ep (except of course for Casa de Jojo) so me here at Connie Bongrips is gonna do a quick and durty recap, followed by the case each of these ladies could make to become next season’s Bachelorette. With that said, let’s get into it.
First hometown was for Amanda (aka A-mom-da), now this was obvs all about her kids, Kingston and Charlie (who me here at Connie Bongrips really wishes was named Jarley) and if Ben could handle it. He did fine. The kids were cute, he handled it well, but the A-mom-da’s fam started really laying it on Ben about how he had to be absolutely sure he wanted kids, yadda yadda yadda. That was pretty much it. On to the next.
Lauren’s hometown was much chiller, she took Ben to some food trucks and to a fucking whiskey library (ladies, take note, if you ever have the good fortune to take me here at Connie Bongrips on a one on one date, a whiskey library is a good place to start) before introducing him to her vanilla ass fam. Everything went smoove. Nothing to see here.
Then we had Caila’s hometown, which was less fun looking. Her and Ben made a play house in a factory. Yeah… In other news, Caila’s dad is pretty creepy looking, so there’s that. He looks like Mr. Rodger’s even more pervy brother, Chip.
Lastly, and certainly not leastly, Jojo’s hometown. This date started off great, with Jojo getting flowers and a letter from her apparently shitty ex boyfriend, Chad (lol, has anyone named Chad ever not been a douche?) that got her all upset. By the time our intrepid Bach showed up, ol’ Jojo was in tears, leaving Ben fairly confused. She told him what was going on, and Ben was concerned, but not too concerned. Then we met her family.
Now there was all kinds of awesome to dissect about this meeting of the minds. First off, there’s the physical appearance of Jojo’s family.
First there’s mom:
Mom is about two surgeries away from a free face-lift.
Then there’s dad:
Dad is Hitler’s fat, spoiled nephew.
Then there’s the brothers:
Not only do these bros look douchey AF (seriously, what is the deal with left-bro’s collar?) but they were so overly protective of Jojo it made me here at Connie Bongrips wonder if maybe they’re trying to hit. Weird fam.
The date began to devolve as the bros really started being dicks to Ben and Jojo and Mom got more and more drunk, culminating is this glorious moment where Mom skips straight shots and just pops bottles.
But she wasn’t done there. As Jojo walks Ben out to the car, Mom graces us with her presence one last time
Like a wasted guardian angel.
Jojo’s Mom is the real MVP of this episode and completely salvaged what would’ve been a relatively boring ep. Good on you, Mom.
At the rose ceremony, Ben sent A-mom-da home, which makes sense. Kids suck even when they’re your own. Imagine raising someone else’s shitty kids. Hard pass. It was sad to see A-mom-da go, as she did seem genuinely sweet, but that’s the price you pay for having kids way too young with a dude who sucks.
Now seems as good a time as any to wildly speculate on potential Bachelorette candidates, so let’s just jump right into that.
Pros: Cute, nice, blonde.
Cons: It’s hard to be the Bachelorette when you’re already engaged to Ben Higgins.
Likelihood: No fucking way. She’s gonna win.
Pros: Cute, nice, brunette. Says she’s not sure if she can love anyone. The Bach producers looooooooooove this kind of shit (see: Kaitlyn’s guard and Ben’s “I’m scared I can’t be loved”) so she’s got that going for her.
Cons: Pretty boring, no drama, too positive, creepy-looking dad.
Likelihood: Eh, maybe?
Pros: Hot, nice, hair color. Her secret love past is certainly an intriguing X factor, and she is very very hot. Her family is great television, and it would be a missed opportunity to not have them on TV more.
Cons: Pretty boring, but that could change if we find out more about her secret past (please let it be a secret lesbian relationship with a married woman), no catchphrase for why she can’t find love (once again, if only she would tell us about her secret lesbian past, maybe this wouldn’t be the case).
Likelihood: Very possible. She’s quite hot.
Pros: Hot, nice, blonde. She’s a mom, which ‘Murica fucking loves. Also, I’m sure the producers would love the opportunity to finally get a single mom some action. In all the time me here at Connie Bongrips has been watching the Bach, we’ve never had a mom make it this far. This is big, and it seems likely the producers are going to pounce on this opportunity.
Cons: She’s a mom, which is kinda boring. Kids are lame and might cockblock.
Likelihood: Most likely. Seems impossible that the producers would pass on the chance to do something a little different. If she’s the ‘Chelorette next season, then me here at Connie Bongrips is very excited to see the hilarious ways that dudes are gonna try to show her that they are down with kids. Maybe we’ll get a few single dads too. Would probably be a worthwhile watch.
Well there you have it. Next week is fantasy suites (aka Pound Town) where our intrepid Bach will find out who fucks the best. Safe money is on Jojo, but maybe Caila is a secret freak whose been waiting for this moment to shine. Only time will tell.