Bach Ramblings Vol. 420Yolo Bachelorette Dreamin’

Connie Bongrips here to give you all that hot ass Bach talk you know you need. This week was hometowns, aka invite this dude you barely know to meet your fam, while they grill him about the 3 other chicks he’s trying to bang. It’s usually awkward and can provide some real hilarity. This year it was pretty mellow ep (except of course for Casa de Jojo) so me here at Connie Bongrips is gonna do a quick and durty recap, followed by the case each of these ladies could make to become next season’s Bachelorette. With that said, let’s get into it.

First hometown was for Amanda (aka A-mom-da), now this was obvs all about her kids, Kingston and Charlie (who me here at Connie Bongrips really wishes was named Jarley) and if Ben could handle it. He did fine. The kids were cute, he handled it well, but the A-mom-da’s fam started really laying it on Ben about how he had to be absolutely sure he wanted kids, yadda yadda yadda. That was pretty much it. On to the next.

Lauren’s hometown was much chiller, she took Ben to some food trucks and to a fucking whiskey library (ladies, take note, if you ever have the good fortune to take me here at Connie Bongrips on a one on one date, a whiskey library is a good place to start) before introducing him to her vanilla ass fam. Everything went smoove. Nothing to see here.

Then we had Caila’s hometown, which was less fun looking. Her and Ben made a play house in a factory. Yeah… In other news, Caila’s dad is pretty creepy looking, so there’s that. He looks like Mr. Rodger’s even more pervy brother, Chip.

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Lastly, and certainly not leastly, Jojo’s hometown. This date started off great, with Jojo getting flowers and a letter from her apparently shitty ex boyfriend, Chad (lol, has anyone named Chad ever not been a douche?) that got her all upset. By the time our intrepid Bach showed up, ol’ Jojo was in tears, leaving Ben fairly confused. She told him what was going on, and Ben was concerned, but not too concerned. Then we met her family.

Now there was all kinds of awesome to dissect about this meeting of the minds. First off, there’s the physical appearance of Jojo’s family.

First there’s mom:

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Mom is about two surgeries away from a free face-lift.

Then there’s dad:

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Dad is Hitler’s fat, spoiled nephew.

Then there’s the brothers:

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Not only do these bros look douchey AF (seriously, what is the deal with left-bro’s collar?) but they were so overly protective of Jojo it made me here at Connie Bongrips wonder if maybe they’re trying to hit. Weird fam.

The date began to devolve as the bros really started being dicks to Ben and Jojo and Mom got more and more drunk, culminating is this glorious moment where Mom skips straight shots and just pops bottles.

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But she wasn’t done there. As Jojo walks Ben out to the car, Mom graces us with her presence one last time

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Like a wasted guardian angel.

Jojo’s Mom is the real MVP of this episode and completely salvaged what would’ve been a relatively boring ep. Good on you, Mom.

At the rose ceremony, Ben sent A-mom-da home, which makes sense. Kids suck even when they’re your own. Imagine raising someone else’s shitty kids. Hard pass. It was sad to see A-mom-da go, as she did seem genuinely sweet, but that’s the price you pay for having kids way too young with a dude who sucks.

Now seems as good a time as any to wildly speculate on potential Bachelorette candidates, so let’s just jump right into that.

Lauren

Pros: Cute, nice, blonde.

Cons: It’s hard to be the Bachelorette when you’re already engaged to Ben Higgins.

Likelihood: No fucking way. She’s gonna win.

Caila

Pros: Cute, nice, brunette. Says she’s not sure if she can love anyone. The Bach producers looooooooooove this kind of shit (see: Kaitlyn’s guard and Ben’s “I’m scared I can’t be loved”) so she’s got that going for her.

Cons: Pretty boring, no drama, too positive, creepy-looking dad.

Likelihood: Eh, maybe?

Jojo

Pros: Hot, nice, hair color. Her secret love past is certainly an intriguing X factor, and she is very very hot. Her family is great television, and it would be a missed opportunity to not have them on TV more.

Cons: Pretty boring, but that could change if we find out more about her secret past (please let it be a secret lesbian relationship with a married woman), no catchphrase for why she can’t find love (once again, if only she would tell us about her secret lesbian past, maybe this wouldn’t be the case).

Likelihood: Very possible. She’s quite hot.

A-mom-da

Pros: Hot, nice, blonde. She’s a mom, which ‘Murica fucking loves. Also, I’m sure the producers would love the opportunity to finally get a single mom some action. In all the time me here at Connie Bongrips has been watching the Bach, we’ve never had a mom make it this far. This is big, and it seems likely the producers are going to pounce on this opportunity.

Cons: She’s a mom, which is kinda boring. Kids are lame and might cockblock.

Likelihood: Most likely. Seems impossible that the producers would pass on the chance to do something a little different. If she’s the ‘Chelorette next season, then me here at Connie Bongrips is very excited to see the hilarious ways that dudes are gonna try to show her that they are down with kids. Maybe we’ll get a few single dads too. Would probably be a worthwhile watch.

Well there you have it. Next week is fantasy suites (aka Pound Town) where our intrepid Bach will find out who fucks the best. Safe money is on Jojo, but maybe Caila is a secret freak whose been waiting for this moment to shine. Only time will tell.

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Bach Ramblings Vol 69: Don’t Call it a Comeback

Hello fam, it’s me here at Connie Bongrips. Exxxtra extra read all about it, Connie is back bitches. Unfortunately, me here at Connie Bongrips has been slacking like a motherfucker, and it’s been 3 whole weeks since the world has heard the gospel. And it’s been a busy 3 weeks (both in BachCity and it Connie’s life). Gonna try real hard to recap everything, but fuck a lotta shit happened, and it may be impossible to do it all justice.

We gotta start with the Mouth, cuz where else does it start? Bitch had a wild couple o’ weeks. First there was SnitchFest ’16, where Emily (goalie twin) and co. snitched on the Mouth for being a beyotch. Then the almighty editors decided to not do a rose ceremony that ep and teased a potential rose revoking for the Mouth. In classic editor fashion, it was all bullshit and Ben sent lame azz Jennifer home. But that’s not where it ends.

The next ep (last week’s, for those keeping score at home, cuz fuck you, me here at Connie Bongrips am trying) had more Mouth-based drama, plus a surprise serving of bitchery from Leah (of being a the fucking clown fame) of all place. Leah realized, quite correctly, that she was totally fucked and Ben wasn’t trying to hit, so she responded the way any fuckboi would, by throwing frontrunner (and fo sho gonna win golden girl) Lauren B under the bus, telling our intrepid Bach that she was not being herself around him. The thought being, if she could knock off Lauren B. (lol, nice try, she’s gonna win, right?) then she wouldn’t get sent home. Well all that shit backfired and Ben sent her triflin azz home, but not before she blessed us with a fuckload of hilarious lines about how Ben wasn’t giving her a chance and how she’d make him so happy blah blah blahhhhhhhhh.

But Leah’s surprising bitchery aside, this episode was also the MUTHERFUCKING 2-ON-1 aka everyone’s fave date. And Ben decided to go balls to the walls snitcher vs snitchee in a Goalie Twin vs Mouth 2-on-1 to decide the fate of the house.

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The Mouth was so hilariously confident going into this date, talking bout how she’s got it in the bag and she wasn’t even scared. Turns out, she was wrong AF. The date took place on a tiny ass island and pretty much consisted of each lady pitching Ben her respective merits, before Ben hilariously kicked the Mouth’s ass to the curb. Sadly the internet isn’t giving me here at Connie Bongrips any good pics of the Mouth being sadly left on the island while Ben and goalie twin jetted off to finger-blast each other (probably) cuz that scene was funny as fuck. But what can ya do?

Then we got a rose ceremony, and Lauren H. went home. Who fucking cares? This just means we can stop calling the presumptive winner Lauren B and just call her Lauren.

Phew. Now we’re caught up to this week, the week before hometowns, where shit gets real. TBH this week went exactly how me here at Connie Bongrips thought it would, right down to the fucking dates.

First, we had Lauren, doing a victory tour of Ben’s hometown (via the first one on one), where she got to go to his YMCA type thing and smooch him in front of Paul George, then she went to his local bar and got to smooch him in front of his friends. He liked it all, duh. Can we just call it? She won. Like, she’s gonna win. In the bag.

Then Jojo got her reaffirming date at Wrigley (although real talk, she’s #2 and ain’t gonna win, barring some kind of colossal fuck up by Lauren) where she got to be hot in Cub’s jersey and hang with Ben. Not much else happened. She’s runner up, maybe Bachelorette.

Then there was the group date. And let’s take a moment to talk about how ungrateful these bitches are about group dates. The last 2 weeks, the group dates have been a total fucking bummer cuz these ladies just fucking bitch the whole time. Chill ladies, you’re on the Bachelor, no shit your man is into other ladies. He’s literally dating 6 women RN. Chill.

This group date heavily featured Amanda talking about her kids (with hometowns around the corner that shit is on her mind), Caila continuing to be good not great, and Becca being a fucking rain cloud. Wanna know a way to make some one feel like you don’t have a connection? Keep telling him that you don’t feel like he’s giving you the validation he’s giving other women. That was Becca’s lame ass strategy, and it didn’t work. After a weird boat ride in a pond, where it was made apparent no one on this show knows how a rowboat works, and some kite flying, Ben chose to give the rose to Amanda. This prompted Becca to say, “How much validation does one person need?”

This is a valid question for 99% of the bitches who come on the Bachelor. However, when that woman is a mother, like Amanda, the answer is a lot. Like, she’s abandoned her children to be here. Every week, Ben needs to be positive he wants to keep her around, otherwise he’s dickin’ these kids out of having a mom, and that’s fucked. So yeah, she needs more validation than your average BachHoe. To top it all off, the validation she got was a dinner at McDonald’s and a trip to the county fair (whoopty fucking doo). Fuck you Becca. You’re so boring.

Quick aside. If Becca is somehow made the Bachelorette, me here at Connie Bongrips is gonna boycott. This bitch is so boring. She doesn’t even fuck. Not my Bachelorette. That is all.

Then we get Emily (aka Goalie Twin)’s one on one. This date was clearly Ben not feeling it (she’s way too young for marriage) and wanting some validation, so he took her to his parent’s house, to get his parents to tell him what he already knew. No one thought they were right for each other, and after some talk and a boat ride back to the ladies’ house, Ben let Goalie Twin go. She’ll be fine. She wants to be a cheerleader.

This left us with one bitch to go home at the rose ceremony. And it was super obvious who it was gonna be.

Becca sucks.

And her ass got sent home.

Not my bachelorette.

That leaves us with Lauren, Jojo, Caila, and Amanda for hometowns. Shit is about to get real real real real real REAL.

Right now it’s a tight race for second. Cuz let’s be real, Lauren’s gonna win. See you fools next week (me here at Connie Bongrips promises) for hometowns. Should be good.

PS, this ep of Bach Ramblings brought to you by Eagle Rare, the best damn bourbon a man can get. Forgive the typos, editing is for fuckboiz