Bach Ramblings Vol. 3: Mrs. Mouth’s Wild Ride

Another week in the books, so you know what that means, it’s time for some #BachTalk, and you know that me here at Connie Bongrips loves some #Bach talk. Let’s get into it.

This week saw our crew de bitches + Bach leaving LA for the first time this season and heading to Vegas baby, Vegas. While not particularly exotic, it certainly leaves open the possibility for some chill ass dates.

First off, is Jojo, our resident Isla Fisher (redhead from Wedding Crashers, etc) look-a-like. Jojo gets the coveted one-on-one date, which starts with a helicopter ride (if this season ends up being nothing but a string of helicopter rides and awkward personal concerts, me here at Connie Bongrips will be less than pleased). The only problem is that the chopper lands way to close to where our intrepid Bach and his possible-future-ex-fiancee are enjoying a cool glass of champagne (or maybe Prosecco, it’s not clear). The wind from the chopper flips the table, sending the bottle and glasses flying, leading to one of my favorite Bach related tweets of the week:

Good shit. I may have to start doing this.

Ben, being the smooth operator that he is, completely flips the script on this fuck up, using the pretense of crouching behind the table to get some serious smooching end. Well played Ben, you just forgot one thing, all the betches can see you. Most of the ladies of the house just kinda stop watching, the Mouth on the other hand, is shaken. She’s been so confident up to this point that she’s gonna marry our intrepid Bach that she didn’t even consider other betches to be a threat. But now, the seed of doubt has been planted, the seed that will soon blossom into an beautiful insecuri-tree. But more on that later.

After the landing, Ben and Jojo go grab a bite somewhere. It’s there that Jojo makes an allusion to a bad relationship that left me here at Connie Bongrips with more questions than answers. Our betch of the day mentions she has trust issues and was hurt by some one in the past, the weird part is she kept referring to the “them” and “they”, leading me here at Connie Bongrips to hypothesize that Jojo either was the other woman (seems plausible) or has a torrid lesbian past (seems sexy), or Jojo was the other woman to a woman in a lesbian relationship (whoa). Only time will tell.

After the one-on-one comes the group date, yet another opportunity for these ladies to make fools of themselves for the sake of love. This time, our group of betches go to the theater of some famous puppeteer (lol, like that’s actually a thing) and he tells them they’re going to be putting on a talent show as the opening for his show that night. Upon hearing this, our bitches immediately start figuring out what their talent is and what they can wear. Some of these ladies have legit talents. For example, Jubilee plays the fucking cello (quick aside: goddamn Jubilee is a renaissance woman, when she doesn’t win, she needs to be ‘Chelorette), the twins do a river dance type thing, and a woman in a chicken suit made up a song set to Old Macdonald (a talent that me here at Connie Bongrips assumes a vast majority of the english-speaking world has). Just to clarify this:

clip_20160121_bachelor_244861_1280x720

is not the chicken enthusiast, she’s already been eliminated (apparently).

In the middle of a bunch of gaudily dressed betches doing mildly talented things we got… THE CLOWN. While the rest of America just took this in stride, me here at Connie Bongrips did not.

While the questions was never directly answered, me here at Connie Bongrips did some sleuthing and was able to piece it together. Our clown was blonde, leaving open the possibility it was Lauren B, Lauren H (aka other Lauren), Leah (who?), or Chicken Lady (it obviously wasn’t chicken lady). Now there’s a shot later on that’s of Lauren B and the Clown together, so she’s out. Other Lauren did something stupid like hit tennis balls or some shit, so she’s out. This leaves Leah (still don’t know who the fuck she is) as the only possible suspect. Why did she choose such a terrible costume? Who knows. We’re all just glad she did.

At last we arrive at the heart of the group date: the Mouth’s talent. In her talking head, the Mouth admits to being a talentless harpy (my words, not her’s) and needs to come up with a plan b. She lands on sexy Vegas-style-dance-thing-with-maybe-some-finger-guns, leaving us at home like

giphy

TBH, the Mouth forgot her real talent, her fucking mouth. That thing is cavernous. You could legit fit at least an entire Big Mac in there. Why not try something like to both astound the crowd and titillate our Bach?

For whatever reason, she opts out of any mouth based talent and goes all in on her strat, which includes popping out of a birthday cake, some awkward gyrations and leg kicks (and we all thought she hated her cankles!), and an even more awkward hug. While most of the ladies were scandalized, me here at Connie Bongrips felt more uncomfortable. It’s 2016, who care about showing a little skin? That being said, the whole I’ll-just-play-this-kinda-funny thing doesn’t really mesh with sexiness and we’re left with…

screen-shot-2016-01-25-at-40813-pm CANKLESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS! (real talk, me here at Connie Bongrips don’t seen any cankles here)

After feeling real confident going into her performance (can I get “Bam… sha-Bam”???) the Mouth’s self-assurance is shattered. Me here at Connie Bongrips has never seen some one go from 60 to 0 so fast. One minute the Mouth is talking all kinds of shit, and the next she’s having a fake panic attack a la Kelsey from Chris’ season (did you know she was married to Sanderson Poe?). The Mouth is so devastated she needs to double steal Ben (pissing the betches off further), which you can see is clearly starting to annoy our Bach. He can’t keep on dealing with the Mouth’s bullshit and it’s only a matter of time before he sends her and her gaping pie-hole home.

This leaves just Becca the hot virgin for the final one-on-one date. This date was fucking weird, as it was just Ben, who was recently ordained apparently, marrying a bunch of seedy-looking couples while Becca looked on and touched his shoulder. Cuz nothing says romance like marrying a couple of weirdo’s in a Vegas chapel. This date went how you’d imagine it would: Ben was like, “soooooo, you don’t fuck” and Becca was like “nah dawg” and Ben was like, “cool, we can still make out tho” and Becca was like, “duh”. Then they smooched. That’s about it.

This was supposed to be the final date of the ep, but surprise surprise, Ben has another trick up his sleeve. Because the twins are from Vegas, our intrepid Bach uses this knowledge to schedule an impromptu two-on-one/hometown date where he can choose between the two twins. This accomplishes a few things:

  1. It allows Ben to get to know both of them better individually
  2. It allows Ben to meet their mom and determine if they’ll still be hot when they get old (always important)
  3. It allows Ben to send one home in a setting where he doesn’t accidentally mix them up and send the wrong one home (cuz me here at Connie Bongrips has legit no idea how to tell them apart when they aren’t playing soccer [hint: Emily is the beastly goalie])

So Ben consults with them individually, leading to the hilarious moment when Haley (not goalie) realizes her room is adorned with photos of her ex (lol what a lil’ stupid). Ben then consults with the mom, before finally settling on Emily (probably based solely off her performance in net). This all unfolded in their living room in front of their mom, which would be pretty awkward for a normal dude, but Ben is no normal dude. He is smooth AF, and explains that he wanted to do this here so that the twin whose heart he broke (not goalie) would have her mom there to comfort her. Total g move.

We then get the rose ceremony, in which the Mouth pulls more shady moves and pisses off more ladies. This time she steals Ben away for the reassurance that she was craving from the other night. They have a pretty uncomfortable convo that involves some weird pecking and Olivia telling our Bach that she’s falling for him. He does not reciprocate the sentiment, but it doesn’t really matter. The Mouth considers him good as her’s, and even goes so far as to tell the group that. When it comes time to hand out the rose, the Mouth is given the last one for the second week in a row. Instead of taking this as Ben saying “get your shit together, you fucking lunatic” she decides it’s some best for last type bullshit and that she’s still the frontrunner.

The Mouth’s wild mood swings and completely delusional assessment of her situation certainly make for some interesting television, and it looks like we have more headed our way, as the Next Week On showed us some juicy footage of girl’s ratting out the Mouth’s bad behavior. Me here at Connie Bongrips absolutely cannot wait for this shit to play out. There’s nothing more fun than watching a good ol’ fashioned mud-slinging contest, especially getting to enjoy the collateral damage (I’m looking at you Carly) that is usually suffered by the snitch. No one ever comes out of these things looking good, making them some of the best television a fella can watch. Ho boy, Monday can’t come soon enough.

Have a joyous week everyone, cuz shit’s gonna get real real, real soon.

PS Amber (aka booooooooring) and Rachel (aka the unemployed one) got sent home. Who cares

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