So this week on the Bach saw a lot of stuff happen. We had a one on one date with Lauren B. (aka the safe bet to win it all) and it went as one might imagine. Lauren B (presumably there’s another Lauren, but she has yet to do anything of note, so me here at Connie Bongrips couldn’t tell you which one is the other Lauren) and our intrepid Bach hit it off and smooched and all that good stuff. Pretty basic one-on-one stuff, including yet another private performance from a group no one has ever heard of.
Then we had ourselves a fun little group date where the girls were split into teams and had to play each other in soccer for the chance to spend more time with Ben. Holy fuck was this enjoyable to watch. I love a group date where the contestants are forced to do shit that they absolutely suck at (see Kaitlyn’s amazing rap battle from last season of the ‘Chelorette for another great example). It let’s you see them go absolutely ham without really knowing what the fuck to do. Except Emily (one of the twins, the other one has yet to distinguish herself, hence why me here at Connie Bongrips has no idea what her name is) who was a beastly goalie. Kudos Emily, hopefully Ben will send your anonymous sis home soon so he can get to know you and your surprising athleticism a little better. Just look at this layout.
Another girl got injured. Her name is Rachel, this week’s recipient of the Who? Award, given to the contestant whose name it feels like we’re hearing for the first time (on Chris’ season it was pretty much Sam every week she was there; however, she rectified this by being a fucking hurricane of drama on Paradise, so all is forgiven).
The ensuing hangout consisted mainly of the Mouth stealing Ben and the other girls getting pissed about it and making fun of her toes (which even the Mouth admits, are no bueno). Eventually the Mouth is going to get what’s coming to her, no way can you legitimately piss off this many women and get away with it without some bitch snitchin’.
But now we arrive at the real meat n potatoes of this ep, the full on assault on Jubilee waged by the Bach Bitches.
It all starts when Jubilee is awarded the one on one date. She is surprised, thinking Ben isn’t that into her. She makes a few jokes about how it was probably a mistake, then Ben shows up, with a helicopter in tow, to whisk her away for their date. The problem is, Jubilee is scared of heights and immediately cracks an awkward joke, asking if any of the other girls want to go on the date. Then she gets on the helicopter and leaves.
Ignoring the content of their date (in which Jubilee absolutely kills it and establishes herself as a legit front runner) let’s focus on what happens in the house. After this throwaway line, the Bach Bitches immediately start talking about how there’s no way Jubilee will get the rose; she doesn’t appreciate Ben and this amazing thing he’s doing for her, she sucks, she’s going to be ungrateful the whole time, yada yada. They build up this whole narrative, based around one awkward joke, and just keep building it up and up and up, till Jubilee is the the number one villain in the house, and she hasn’t even come back from her date yet. These girls were expecting her to be sent packing (based off one fucking remark) and were shocked to see her come back to the house. Then, when she wasn’t all that eager to hang out with them (maybe because all of these girls had spent a solid 12 hours talking shit about her) they got even more mad.
Then comes the cocktail party, where Ben tells the women that some family friends had just died in a plane crash (fuuuuuuuck). Jubilee, seeing her man in crisis (and knowing a thing or two about loss, having earlier revealed that her entire family died when she was six [fuuuuuuuck]) went to console him, by giving him a massage (in contrast to the Mouth, who used her alone time with Ben to talk about blogs devoted to her cankles). This upset the mob even more, who saw it as Jubilee trying to steal time with Ben while already having a rose, instead of, oh I don’t know, a human being trying to make another human being feel better in the wake of a tragedy.
All hopped up on this latest indignity, Amber tries to get Jubilee to talk to the group (aka stand there while they all bitch her out). Jubes refuses and separates herself from the rest of the women to try to get some space. Ben finds out, and tries to comfort a now crying Jubilee. The Bach Bitches then see this as yet another encroachment on their time with Ben, and Amber tries to call her out for it in front of our intrepid Bach. Ben, to his credit, shuts that shit down real quick.
What a crazy night. These bitches really need some kind of distraction when they’re in the house, because that rumor mill is fucking vicious. They need to play cards or something. Me here at Connie Bongrips am firmly on #TeamJubilee and don’t see that changing anytime soon. The Mouth is the real villain, and this is only distracting from her malicious plans. This JubesDrama is so blown out of proportion, me here at Connie Bongrips hopes it passes quickly so we can get back to all hating the Mouth. Cuz seriously, this bitch hears about Ben’s friends dying and she’s can’t even wait to sit down before she starts talking about herself. And then, when Ben gives her the last rose, as a message saying ‘This shit ain’t gonna fly’, she thinks he’s telling her that he’s super into her.
Before I go, me here at Connie Bongrips must quickly salute our fallen Lace, who has removed herself from the competition to “work on herself”. Hopefully this doesn’t work out for her and she returns to Paradise and we, the viewing public, can enjoy many more hours of her narcissistic nonsense. Bon voyage.
Another exciting ep of Bach is in the books, and me here at Connie Bongrips can’t wait for another. See you fuckboiz next week