New Season of the Bach Ramblings Vol. 1: A Lace by Any Other Name

After a long hiatus, me here at Connie Bongrips am back. So strap in bitches, cuz it’s about to get real.

Oh boy Oberto, the Bach is back. That hole that you’ve been feeling deep in the pit of your schadenfreude can be filled up again with tons of bitchy back-stabbing, tears on tears on tears, and (this season at least) a giant gaping mouth. What a time to be alive.

Obligatory disclaimer, me here at Connie Bongrips does not know the name of every woman competing for the right to be briefly engaged to our illustrious Bachelor, Ben Higgins, and I don’t plan on learning them either. The important ones will make themselves known. So far we have

Olivia: A former news anchor with the mouth of a Titan and the tact of a woman with Aspergers. Olivia delights in belittling her competition with gems like, “If Ben’s a big believer in science, you should be worried.” Also, when asked about her job, she says her favorite part of being a news anchor is “Going to high schools and talking to girls.” Olivia is basically a creepy 50 year old man in the body of a 23 year old woman who can eat a Big Mac in one bite. Why does she leave her mouth open so often? It’s enormous. You gotta hide that shit, girl. I mean, the first thing on Google auto-complete when you type “Olivia Bachelor” is mouth. From here on out, me here at Connie Bongrips will exclusively refer to her as “the Mouth”.

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Dam gurl. Moving on

Lace: Hooooooo momma, Lace the lunatic. Now me here at Connie Bongrips don’t like to throw the word crazy around a lot when it comes to women. It’s fairly degrading and is often used by men to write off legitimate things a woman may feel. With that being said, Lace is full-on bat-shit crazy. This girl doesn’t know when to stop. First night, she got wasted, got turned down for a smooch, then responded by bitching Ben out for not making eye contact with her during the rose ceremony. Bitch, you got a rose, chill your damn dill. Then she pulls the classic double dip “can I steal you for a minute” on the group date (a big faux pas) pissing everyone off, and used these two opportunities to say, “I’m not crazy” in the most overly aggressive I’m-actually-crazy kind of way. She follows that up by getting slammered at the next cocktail party and talking to Ben about… I have no fucking clue. She says individual words to him that I understand, but given the arrangement and context, me here at Connie Bongrips can’t even begin to fathom what she’s talking about. And then she gets a fucking rose somehow. Leading me to believe that we have found this year’s recipient of the “Ashley S Memorial Producer Mandated Rose”, given to the contestant who adds the most insanity/drama to the show but whom the Bachelor would most likely want to get rid of at the first opportunity. Lace is the perfect heady mix of narcissism, selfishness (the two go hand in hand, obvs), meanness, and willing-to-get-plasteredness that every season of the Bach needs. Here’s a little example. When the Mouth steals Ben away during the cocktail party, despite already having a rose, Lace decides she needs to take matters into her own hands and tell the Mouth she’s being a real bitch. The problem is, Lace is so self-obsessed that her attempt to call out the Mouth quickly devolves into a weird pity party for Lace. Homegirl needs to work on having coherent conversations.

Caila: Then we have Caila, the girl that left her boyfriend after she saw Ben on Kaitlyn’s season of the Bachelorette (supposedly, cuz me here at Connie Bongrips don’t really buy that shit). Caila seems nice enough, although kinda boring. She got the one on one date this week, which was a celebrity filled afternoon of cross-promotion as Ice Cube and Kevin Hart joined our couple for a ride-along (2) on their date. As a quick aside, these celebrity comedian dates are the fucking worst. How are you supposed to get to know some one when you have a bunch of famous people making fun of you both the whole time? And now you’ve had your one-on-one date and won’t be getting another for a long time, if at all. Talk about getting the shaft. They follow this up with an intimate private concert from some white dude I’d never heard of. Another terrible Bachelor date idea. The thought of having to hang out and dance while some one plays a show for just you and one other person sounds terrible. I mean, how awkward would that be? You have to be into the whole time, otherwise one of the two other people (either the your beau or the artist him/herself) will be like, “WTF, u not havin fun, m8?” and you gotta be like, “Yeah, I luv this random whitey with a guitar…” All around bad scene.

Amanda: The obligatory single mom. Not much to say about Amanda, she has two daughters, one of whom may be named Jarly. If that’s the case, I’ll be way more down with Amanda. Really the only noteworthy thing involving Amanda was the smooth azz move that Ben busted on her, by getting supplies to make barrettes for her kids. A move so smooth, you could watch Amanda cheeks and panties moisten (the former with tears, the latter with… lady juice? me here at Connie Bongrips don’t entirely understand the female body). What a guy that Ben H is (he’s no Ben Z, but what’re ya gonna do).

The Twins: Don’t know their names, but we have two blonde, 22 year old twins from Vegas on the show. If this sounds familiar, it’s because there’s approximately 1,000,000 pornos with a similar gimmick (only more boobs). This is such a weird male-fantasy thing me here at Connie Bongrips don’t even know what to think. I was hoping he’d just send one of them home the first night to avoid the inevitable mixup of who’s who and all the drama that would follow, but it seems our intrepid Bach is gunnin’ for that twin sandwich. It will be interesting to see if either of these girls is at all able to distinguish themselves. We’ll see

Jubilee: Finally, a black girl who just might stand a chance. Jubilee is a beautiful, intelligent woman who served in the military and is rewarded for her service with the occupation title “War Veteran”, lol. Nice try Bach, but that just sounds stupid. The good news for Jubilee is that Ben seems legit into her, and no one is happier about that then the producers at ABC, who have long been criticized for just how white this franchise is. The best thing possible that could happen for them would be that Jubilee makes it to at least the final four before getting the axe. This way they could finally have a black Bachelorette, which, let’s be honest, they really need to do. Godspeed Jubilee, the eyes of the world are watching.

There are plenty of other ladies vying for Ben’s heart, but I’ll be damned if I can remember any of them. Most of the memorable ladies went home this week, Mandi the self-proclaimed “weird” dentist (if you call yourself weird, are you actually weird? or just trying really hard to make people think you are?) and LB the hobbit-sized fashion buyer (yes that’s her listed profession). I’m sure some of these other girls will emerge as true Bach-stars but we’re still waiting for them to take that next step.

Me here at Connie Bongrips am very excited about this season of the Bach. Already we have a couple mean front-runners (always a plus) and a couple of obvious victim complexes as well (hi Carly!). This promises to be better than last year, where we had to watch Chris Soules mumble his way through awkward interactions and terrible kisses. So far we don’t have any true villains a la Ashley I (<333) or Kelsey (who almost definitely murdered her husband, Sanderson Poe) but the Mouth is definitely making a push for that spot. Only time will tell.

Stay tuned for more Bach coverage in the future, trying to do one every week, we’ll see how that goes. Have a lovely week folks

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