Chelorette Ep 5 Recap: Too Many Nicks

Well folks, we’re one week closer to our intrepid Bachelorette finding true love, yet we’re further than ever, as this week saw our cast of man-meat increase, rather than shrink, with the addition of Nick from Andi’s season (full disclosure: Me at Connie Bongrips have not seen Andi’s season. Deal with it). Now there is nothing wrong with this, in fact, with all the premature departures and given the fact that about half of these dudes came for Britt, it was about time the producers threw Kaitlyn a bone. The problem is the drama in this ep was supposed to be about Kaitlyn’s decision to let Nick on the show or not, but thanks to the “This Season on the Bachelorette” everyone already knew she let Nick stay. Why would you give away a plot twist like that? Seems fucking dumb to me. But enough of that, let’s get into this ep.

We were dropped in right where we left off, with Kaitlyn about to give Clint the ol’ boot (or as they probably spell it in Canada, bout). What follows is some utterly garbage acting from Clint in which he tries to explain in his deadest-pan deadpan that he’s been “100 percent” with her (lie) and that he’s here for her (lie, see all his talking heads from last week) and that he doesn’t have a problem with any of the guys in the house (lie). Kaitlyn sees through his bullshit easily, cuz like I said, his acting is fucking terrible, and sends him home, letting him say goodbye to everyone.

This goodbye led to even more bullshit. Clint’s BFF JJ (too many acronyms) turns on him, demanding an apology. Clint gets mad and they have a little “confrontation”. The funny part is how unbelievably staged it is. How do me at Connie Bongrips know it was staged? Let’s return to exhibit A, Clint’s terrible acting.

http://abc.go.com/embed/VDKA0_ihdf7n2u

Have you ever heard some one deliver the line “I’m gonna fucking kill you” with less fucking enthusiasm? They follow that up with some more bullshit and a bizarre line about how JJ’s tie looks good. The whole scene is phony as fuck and most likely an attempt to get them both on Bach in Paradise. Fucking lame.

After Clint gets sent home, Kaitlyn decides it’s too much and they aren’t gonna have a rose ceremony.

COME ON. The rose ceremonies are the best; everyone is so nervous, and dudes get so mad when other dudes get roses, it’s just a good time for everyone. And really, Kaitlyn, you don’t see any other dudes in the room you could stand to get rid of? Maybe the Connie Bongrips triumvirate of blandness: Corey, Tanner, and Ryan (fuck all these dudes, they add nothing to the viewing experience).

What better way to wash the taste of that lack-of-rose-ceremony out our mouths than with a good old fashioned rap battle group date.

Quick pause for me at Connie Bongrips to express my complete and utter love of Kaitlyn’s group date choices. Each one is more embarrassing for our man-meats than the last. Not to mention rap battles will always hold a special place in my heart. After seeing 8 Mile, my friends and I used to have rap battles in my attic, using a Bop-It as the mic. Needless to say, I lyrically tore them to shredzzz.

The ensuing rap battle is everything you could hope for and more. It has dick jokes. It has gay jokes. It has terrible slant-rhymes. It has an unemployed investment banker making fun of another investment banker FOR WORKING ON WALL STREET. And most importantly, it has our favorite bland-boi Corey rocking this get-up

Gold.

Unfortunately, this would be the last bit of this episode untainted by the impending Nick drama. Immediately following the rap battle, Kaitlyn runs into Nick, he says he wants to be on the show, he’s into her, blah blah blah, she needs to think about it.

Kaitlyn returns to our bros and tells them that she’s thinking about letting Nick onto the show. They mostly react laughably poorly, questioning her intentions, questioning their connections with her. The only dude who seizes the opportunity is Justin (known mostly for his bad hair and having a child), brazenly declaring that this is her show and that she needs to do what she feels is right and he’s not worried about another guy being added. Kaitlyn responds by giving his ass a rose. Power moves. Other dudes, take note, that’s how you fucking do it.

Instead we get stuff like former front-runner Shawn (Ryan Gosling Light) talking about how it calls their connection into question. Lol. So you were cool with the other 24 guys, but this is one guy too far? Give me a break. This is a show about Kaitlyn finding love, not pleasing a bunch of little jealous babies.

After the group date, we’re treated to a 1-on-1 date with hopeless romantic, Jared, who takes a page out of Justin’s book and says he doesn’t care about Nick, just the two of the them. This is obviously exactly what Kaitlyn wants to here and, combined with a fucking hilariously cheesy poem, is enough to get him dat rose.

Before our final group date, we are treated to plenty more shots of the bros questioning Kaitlyn and the whole Nick scenario and generally acting like little bitches. Finally Kaitlyn decides to let Nick on, because its her show and she can do whatever the fuck she wants (duh).

The final group date is an Alladin the musical themed group date, that features several of our more awkward suitors having to dance and sing “A Whole New World”. And let me at Connie Bongrips tell you, if you haven’t seen a terrible singer with no confidence try to get through a Disney number, it’s a real treat. The best performance has to go to Chris (cupcake car) for his absurdly earnest rendition that earned this remark from the show’s director: “I don’t think he’s mocking it. He just doesn’t know what he’s doing.” Chris’ performance earns him a pseudo 1-on-1 date with Kaitlyn, as they get to make a cameo in the Broadway show.

Kaitlyn was clearly very excited by the whole thing, and Chris really added to the experience by telling her every five seconds to “drink it all in” and that “she’d remember this when she was 80.” Ok, that’s enough, dude. Put a little more pressure on her. He follows this up with some hilarious attempts at kissing Kaitlyn and some cliche romantic crap. He gets a rose, but you get the sense that Kaitlyn would’ve enjoyed this evening regardless of her arm candy.

The ep ends with Nick as he opens the door to the penthouse that the bros are all staying in. Once again, no rose ceremony at the end of the ep. This season’s lack of rose ceremonies is killing me at Connie Bongrips. Some of these bros need to go home. I’m seeing a lot of fat that needs trimming. With that in mind, here’s the power rankings (parenthesis indicate last weeks rankings):

  1. Tony (1)- he’s out there, somewhere, open to love, and caring for his bonsai trees
  2. Ben H (4)- the third member of team Supporting Kaitlyn (joining Jared and Justin), def has the best shot out of those 3
  3. Ben Z (2)- fairly stagnant week from our towering man-hunk. would’ve like to see him back Kaitlyn a little more, but he wasn’t vocally opposed either
  4. Jared (5)- 1-on-1 date cemented him as a contender
  5. Shawn (3)- pretty opposed to Nick coming on, this could sour his connection with our Bachelorette
  6. Nick (NR)- he maybe should be higher, but I think the thrill will wear off soon enough
  7. Justin (13)- our biggest mover, doubt he has a chance (I mean, his hair is so dumb) but he’s making the right moves to stay in the game
  8. Joe (7)- still very funny, ad-libbing to “A Whole New World” seemed to be a positive move
  9. Joshua (6)- big time doubter, needs to lay off this Nick stuff if he wants any kind of chance
  10. Ian (8)- seems like he’s going to call Kaitlyn out next week. that rarely goes over well
  11. Jonathan (9)- doubter and major Britt supporter. you get the feeling his time is quickly running out
  12. JJ (15)- I just want to see how he handles not being the most hated man in the house
  13. Chris (10)- making a case to turn the Connie Bongrips triumvirate of blandness into a four-piece
  14. Tanner (11)- so meh and a big time doubter, hopefully he just quits next week
  15. Ryan (12)- literally nothing to say about him. he’s so boring
  16. Corey (16)- GET HIM OFF MY SHOW

Gonna leave this here as a parting gift

have a lovely week folks

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