Me here at Connie Bongrips have long had a problem with a certain film critic, Mr. Poopdick, né Charles Bramesco. Long-known around Tulane for his garbage musings on culture, Charles has recently been employed by several online publications. How he duped these rubes into paying him for his liberal elitist views (did I mention he went to college) is a subject worthy of a federal investigation.
Now me here at Connie Bongrips am usually one to live and let live. Although Charles has been poisoning the minds of our tighter-panted youths for half a year, I was content to let it slide. It’s not my business what one nerd tells another nerd to think about stupid movies no one was ever gonna watch anyway. But then he did the unthinkable. Ol’ Bramescobitch set his squinty little eye-bulbs (and his wispy little typing-fingers) on the Entourage movie. Now that, my friends, is a bridge too far.
The case brought against Entourage by our dear enemy Charles is as old as Vinny’s baby blues (are Vince’s eyes blue? I can’t remember and I’m too lazy to look it up). Waaaaaahhhhhh wah wah sexism. Wah wah wah over-simplified plot. Wah wah wah male self-indulgence. Which me at Connie Bongrips counter with a firm, stern, and heartfelt “Go fuck yourself.” If you don’t get why four (five if you count Ari [it’s never been clear to me if he is in fact one of the boys]) dudes banging hot chicks and living a super chill lifestyle is awesome, then you can get the fuck out of my country, bro. America was built on objectifying women and making things easier for our idiots to understand. Stories can be complicated. Complicated is lame. Thank god there are a few men brave enough (thank you based Doug Ellin) to make a movie that people can actually understand.
On top of that, Charles’ prose leaves a lot to be desired. Way too many parentheticals (I mean come on) combine with a douchey college-graduate vocabulary to make the reader feel as if Bramesco is talking down to them. Me at Connie Bongrips don’t know about you, but I don’t like it when dudes who wear glasses tell me why I shouldn’t like something as dope as Entourage. That’s not to even mention the biggest gaffe in the whole piece. Baby-Dick Bramesco ends his opening paragraph with the line “The whole gang is back together!”. Hey idiot, are you completely unfamiliar with the hashtag #TheBoysAreBack ? What a nerd. What a stupid, little nerd.
Don’t worry folks, me here at Connie Bongrips will keep you abreast of any more bullshit that spews out of this turd-jugglers MacBook (cuz let’s be honest, some one as hip as Charles def owns a MacBook, maybe even a MacBook Air. gross), so that we can keep this tiny dweeb in his place (probably a thrift store or microbrewery).
Also stay tuned for Bachelorette recaps/reviews