This week, me here at Connie Bongrips was treated to an especially juicy ep of ‘Chalorette. Things kicked off right where we left them with Kupah “I’m pulling the race card despite there being two other men of color still left” Angry-Pants yelling at the producers about how Kaitlyn wronged him yada yada. This outburst is amazing for a couple reasons.
- The aforementioned use of the race card when it doesn’t really seem to apply
- There’s nothing better than a man telling a woman she doesn’t know what she’s thinking
- Trying to give the producers your spin on events is a bit of a futile effort, as they have been poring over hours of footage from the event your talking about. Something tells me they have a better idea of how things played out than you do
- Lol at trying to act like you didn’t like the boxing date.
- Talking about how it wasn’t fair to him. BIIIIIIIIIITCH, this the Bachelorette. It only matters if it’s fair to Kaitlyn. You’re just a pretty piece of ass served up to her by ABC.
Once we got Krazy Kupah out of the house, it was time to move onto the rose ceremony, which only had one real surprise. How the fuck did Corey (the currently employed I-Bankers, not to be confused with JJ the totally unemployed former I-banker) not get cut. The dude looks like this:
and he’s boring as fuck. Send his bland ass home.
This was followed up by the first group date of the ep… A FUCKING SUMO-OFF. Our boys were roused at the crack of sometime to put on diapers and grope each other. This naturally led to some hilarity, as dudes in diapers will always be somewhat amusing. It was not all fun and games, however, as Connie Bongrips favorite Tony the Healer’s spiritual center was in danger of succumbing to the aggression that surrounded him.
Poor Tony, such a gentle soul. He needed to remove himself from the situation and question whether Kaitlyn and all of her aggression-championing dates were for him. Homeboy just wants to go the the zoo and look at some fucking animals, jah feel?
Ultimately Tony decided he needed to get home to his dog and his bonsai trees (not making that up) and me here at Connie Bongrips could not be sadder to see him go. In the three short weeks he’s been with us, Tony has given us gems like
- “Britt’s box is pulsating with energy”
- His entire stand up routine
- “I have the eyes of a child, the heart of a warrior, and the soul of a gypsy” (he said this twice this week. fucking gold)
That’s all I got off the top of my head, but me here at Connie Bongrips can’t help but wonder if ‘Chalorette will suffer in his absence. I’ll pour out some yerba mate for ya, big guy.
Surprising no one “First Impression” Shaun got the group date rose. This dude is firing on all cylinders right now and is making a real push to end the First Impression Curse. Whether his knockoff Ryan Gosling looks will be enough, we shall just have to wait and see.
Next we had another curveball thrown at us, this time by esteemed matchmaker extraordinaire, Chris Harrison, who paired our intrepid Bachelorette with towering man-hunk Ben Z (Benny Z, Benny Z, Benny Z Z Z), on a secret date, that ended up being a mix between a haunted house and a scavenger hunt. Ben Z fucking whacks this date out the park, using his calm, cool, collected manner to navigate a room filled with spooky bullshit and a bathroom literally covered in snakes and win the heart (and rose) of Kaitlyn. He followed it up with a classic convo about his dead mommy and how he can’t cry any more. Fucking brilliant. Last season Kaitlyn had her guard. This season Ben has his. Kaitlyn is gonna try so hard to break that motherfucker down that he’s pretty much guaranteed to stick around til that first salty drop comes out. That’s playing the game like a goddamn champ.
We finish off the dates with a sex ed class. While this is certainly a lame ass date to go on (fuck kids) it is a true delight to spectate. We had child actors asking questions we weren’t even allowed to hear, while mortified man-children tried to explain periods to them. While we’re on the subject of censorship-
What’s the fucking deal with ABC? Sometimes we get the dark box (see Jillian’s ass on the last season of the Bachelor). Sometimes we get the pixelation (sumo-off). Where’s the consistency, ABC? Also, how come you can’t say penis on ‘Chalorette? That’s its name. Penis. Totally normal word. You can’t say penis, but you can say balls? I’m confused.
Anywhooo, pretty much all the dudes bombed in spectacular, awkward fashion, with the lone exception being Ben H. Ben was able to stave off the weirdness and deliver a sex ed lecture that might not actually ruin these kids forever. Great job! He then went on to say all the right things at the after-date and won himself the rose. Good for him, bad for us. Kaitlyn, please, for the love of god, pick one Ben. I know you like them both, but this using their last initial thing is getting pretty damn old. And pick Ben Z. He’s super cute
And now, me at Connie Bongrips gets to the meat of this ep: Clint and JJ.
All week, we, the viewing public, have been teased with scenes of Clint and JJ hanging out over voice-overs talking about not expecting to find love with a man. If you’ve ever watched Bach or ‘Chalorette, then you know that the editing wizards love to make fake narratives (see last years tent BJ that never happened). That was what me at Connie Bongrips assumed was going on during these little teasers. Boy was I wrong. It seems Clint may legitimately be interested in JJ, either that or he really likes him as a friend and is just making a bunch of gay jokes (cuz isn’t it funny that dudes sometimes like eachother?). Clint spent the whole ep ignoring Kaitlyn and trying to get closer with JJ, who, for his part, seems somewhat interested, but more interested in finding a new mommy for his daughter (not to judge, but I bet that kid sucks, just look at her dad). I’m not sure how this will play out, with Clint def getting sent home (not gonna miss his “Villians gonna vill” catchphrase that he has busted out a minimum of 3 times already [at an average of 1 per ep]), but I hope both men find happiness. Actually, that’s a lie. JJ is a conceited prick, I hope he finds misery.
Can’t wait to see the rose ceremony. Now here’s the power rankings
- Tony- I know he’s eliminated, but he’s number one in our hearts here at Connie Bongrips. He’s staying here forever
- Ben Z- power moves son. power moves
- Shaun- jumped out to an early lead, can he hold on?
- Ben H- group date roses help raise your profile
- Jared- here solely for the frequency he shows up in the “This season on ‘Chalorette”
- Joshua- his awe-shucks ‘tude and his terrible fashion sense have really won me over. seems legit sweet
- Joe- funniest dude on the show and it’s not even close. that counts for something with Kaitlyn
- Ian- should probably be higher up, but he’s sooooooooooo boring
- Jonathan- dude’s real good looking. that’s gotta count for something, right?
- Chris- the dentist sneaks into the top 10 by virtue of his surprisingly strong showing at the stand up date
- Tanner- here we’re entering the meh-range. Tanner is the poster child for this group
- Ryan- or maybe Ryan is. they’re both bland as fuck
- Justin- another dude with a kid? shit’s played out, bro
- Clint- I know he’s going home, but he won me at Connie Bongrips’ heart with that drawingI mean come on! that’s a fucking masterpiece
- JJ- total noob. get him off my damn show
- Corey- this candy-apple looking motherfucker’s gotsta go
See you next week. May your box always be pulsating with energy