Chelorette Ep 5 Recap: Too Many Nicks

Well folks, we’re one week closer to our intrepid Bachelorette finding true love, yet we’re further than ever, as this week saw our cast of man-meat increase, rather than shrink, with the addition of Nick from Andi’s season (full disclosure: Me at Connie Bongrips have not seen Andi’s season. Deal with it). Now there is nothing wrong with this, in fact, with all the premature departures and given the fact that about half of these dudes came for Britt, it was about time the producers threw Kaitlyn a bone. The problem is the drama in this ep was supposed to be about Kaitlyn’s decision to let Nick on the show or not, but thanks to the “This Season on the Bachelorette” everyone already knew she let Nick stay. Why would you give away a plot twist like that? Seems fucking dumb to me. But enough of that, let’s get into this ep.

We were dropped in right where we left off, with Kaitlyn about to give Clint the ol’ boot (or as they probably spell it in Canada, bout). What follows is some utterly garbage acting from Clint in which he tries to explain in his deadest-pan deadpan that he’s been “100 percent” with her (lie) and that he’s here for her (lie, see all his talking heads from last week) and that he doesn’t have a problem with any of the guys in the house (lie). Kaitlyn sees through his bullshit easily, cuz like I said, his acting is fucking terrible, and sends him home, letting him say goodbye to everyone.

This goodbye led to even more bullshit. Clint’s BFF JJ (too many acronyms) turns on him, demanding an apology. Clint gets mad and they have a little “confrontation”. The funny part is how unbelievably staged it is. How do me at Connie Bongrips know it was staged? Let’s return to exhibit A, Clint’s terrible acting.

http://abc.go.com/embed/VDKA0_ihdf7n2u

Have you ever heard some one deliver the line “I’m gonna fucking kill you” with less fucking enthusiasm? They follow that up with some more bullshit and a bizarre line about how JJ’s tie looks good. The whole scene is phony as fuck and most likely an attempt to get them both on Bach in Paradise. Fucking lame.

After Clint gets sent home, Kaitlyn decides it’s too much and they aren’t gonna have a rose ceremony.

COME ON. The rose ceremonies are the best; everyone is so nervous, and dudes get so mad when other dudes get roses, it’s just a good time for everyone. And really, Kaitlyn, you don’t see any other dudes in the room you could stand to get rid of? Maybe the Connie Bongrips triumvirate of blandness: Corey, Tanner, and Ryan (fuck all these dudes, they add nothing to the viewing experience).

What better way to wash the taste of that lack-of-rose-ceremony out our mouths than with a good old fashioned rap battle group date.

Quick pause for me at Connie Bongrips to express my complete and utter love of Kaitlyn’s group date choices. Each one is more embarrassing for our man-meats than the last. Not to mention rap battles will always hold a special place in my heart. After seeing 8 Mile, my friends and I used to have rap battles in my attic, using a Bop-It as the mic. Needless to say, I lyrically tore them to shredzzz.

The ensuing rap battle is everything you could hope for and more. It has dick jokes. It has gay jokes. It has terrible slant-rhymes. It has an unemployed investment banker making fun of another investment banker FOR WORKING ON WALL STREET. And most importantly, it has our favorite bland-boi Corey rocking this get-up

Gold.

Unfortunately, this would be the last bit of this episode untainted by the impending Nick drama. Immediately following the rap battle, Kaitlyn runs into Nick, he says he wants to be on the show, he’s into her, blah blah blah, she needs to think about it.

Kaitlyn returns to our bros and tells them that she’s thinking about letting Nick onto the show. They mostly react laughably poorly, questioning her intentions, questioning their connections with her. The only dude who seizes the opportunity is Justin (known mostly for his bad hair and having a child), brazenly declaring that this is her show and that she needs to do what she feels is right and he’s not worried about another guy being added. Kaitlyn responds by giving his ass a rose. Power moves. Other dudes, take note, that’s how you fucking do it.

Instead we get stuff like former front-runner Shawn (Ryan Gosling Light) talking about how it calls their connection into question. Lol. So you were cool with the other 24 guys, but this is one guy too far? Give me a break. This is a show about Kaitlyn finding love, not pleasing a bunch of little jealous babies.

After the group date, we’re treated to a 1-on-1 date with hopeless romantic, Jared, who takes a page out of Justin’s book and says he doesn’t care about Nick, just the two of the them. This is obviously exactly what Kaitlyn wants to here and, combined with a fucking hilariously cheesy poem, is enough to get him dat rose.

Before our final group date, we are treated to plenty more shots of the bros questioning Kaitlyn and the whole Nick scenario and generally acting like little bitches. Finally Kaitlyn decides to let Nick on, because its her show and she can do whatever the fuck she wants (duh).

The final group date is an Alladin the musical themed group date, that features several of our more awkward suitors having to dance and sing “A Whole New World”. And let me at Connie Bongrips tell you, if you haven’t seen a terrible singer with no confidence try to get through a Disney number, it’s a real treat. The best performance has to go to Chris (cupcake car) for his absurdly earnest rendition that earned this remark from the show’s director: “I don’t think he’s mocking it. He just doesn’t know what he’s doing.” Chris’ performance earns him a pseudo 1-on-1 date with Kaitlyn, as they get to make a cameo in the Broadway show.

Kaitlyn was clearly very excited by the whole thing, and Chris really added to the experience by telling her every five seconds to “drink it all in” and that “she’d remember this when she was 80.” Ok, that’s enough, dude. Put a little more pressure on her. He follows this up with some hilarious attempts at kissing Kaitlyn and some cliche romantic crap. He gets a rose, but you get the sense that Kaitlyn would’ve enjoyed this evening regardless of her arm candy.

The ep ends with Nick as he opens the door to the penthouse that the bros are all staying in. Once again, no rose ceremony at the end of the ep. This season’s lack of rose ceremonies is killing me at Connie Bongrips. Some of these bros need to go home. I’m seeing a lot of fat that needs trimming. With that in mind, here’s the power rankings (parenthesis indicate last weeks rankings):

  1. Tony (1)- he’s out there, somewhere, open to love, and caring for his bonsai trees
  2. Ben H (4)- the third member of team Supporting Kaitlyn (joining Jared and Justin), def has the best shot out of those 3
  3. Ben Z (2)- fairly stagnant week from our towering man-hunk. would’ve like to see him back Kaitlyn a little more, but he wasn’t vocally opposed either
  4. Jared (5)- 1-on-1 date cemented him as a contender
  5. Shawn (3)- pretty opposed to Nick coming on, this could sour his connection with our Bachelorette
  6. Nick (NR)- he maybe should be higher, but I think the thrill will wear off soon enough
  7. Justin (13)- our biggest mover, doubt he has a chance (I mean, his hair is so dumb) but he’s making the right moves to stay in the game
  8. Joe (7)- still very funny, ad-libbing to “A Whole New World” seemed to be a positive move
  9. Joshua (6)- big time doubter, needs to lay off this Nick stuff if he wants any kind of chance
  10. Ian (8)- seems like he’s going to call Kaitlyn out next week. that rarely goes over well
  11. Jonathan (9)- doubter and major Britt supporter. you get the feeling his time is quickly running out
  12. JJ (15)- I just want to see how he handles not being the most hated man in the house
  13. Chris (10)- making a case to turn the Connie Bongrips triumvirate of blandness into a four-piece
  14. Tanner (11)- so meh and a big time doubter, hopefully he just quits next week
  15. Ryan (12)- literally nothing to say about him. he’s so boring
  16. Corey (16)- GET HIM OFF MY SHOW

Gonna leave this here as a parting gift

have a lovely week folks

Advertisements

BREAKING NEWS: Brokeback Bachelor is Bullshit

Well well well, looks like the Clint n’ JJ romance was a sham all along. Turns out the bros were just bros who decided to play up the whole “gay” thing for laughs.

HA HA!

This whole thing is so completely fucking dumb that it’s hard to believe that it made it past the myriad editors and execs and onto our screens. What is so funny about the idea of two men being in love? The implication that JJ and Clint’s concocted romance is both scandalous and hilarious seems out of place in 2015. Hell, I would love to watch a gay season of the Bachelor, cuz god knows this shit doesn’t really work for hetero couples.

Now that I’m thinking about it, this could be an opportunity for ABC to kill diversity birds with one stone. Imagine the possibility of a gay Bachelor of color. Would it make up for the decade of white-washed casts? Probably not, but me here at Connie Bongrips thinks it would make a pretty fantastic (and eminently watchable) start.

‘Chalorette Week 3cap

This week, me here at Connie Bongrips was treated to an especially juicy ep of ‘Chalorette. Things kicked off right where we left them with Kupah “I’m pulling the race card despite there being two other men of color still left” Angry-Pants yelling at the producers about how Kaitlyn wronged him yada yada. This outburst is amazing for a couple reasons.

  1. The aforementioned use of the race card when it doesn’t really seem to apply
  2. There’s nothing better than a man telling a woman she doesn’t know what she’s thinking
  3. Trying to give the producers your spin on events is a bit of a futile effort, as they have been poring over hours of footage from the event your talking about. Something tells me they have a better idea of how things played out than you do
  4. Lol at trying to act like you didn’t like the boxing date.
  5. Talking about how it wasn’t fair to him. BIIIIIIIIIITCH, this the Bachelorette. It only matters if it’s fair to Kaitlyn. You’re just a pretty piece of ass served up to her by ABC.

Once we got Krazy Kupah out of the house, it was time to move onto the rose ceremony, which only had one real surprise. How the fuck did Corey (the currently employed I-Bankers, not to be confused with JJ the totally unemployed former I-banker) not get cut. The dude looks like this:

and he’s boring as fuck. Send his bland ass home.

This was followed up by the first group date of the ep… A FUCKING SUMO-OFF. Our boys were roused at the crack of sometime to put on diapers and grope each other. This naturally led to some hilarity, as dudes in diapers will always be somewhat amusing. It was not all fun and games, however, as Connie Bongrips favorite Tony the Healer’s spiritual center was in danger of succumbing to the aggression that surrounded him.

Poor Tony, such a gentle soul. He needed to remove himself from the situation and question whether Kaitlyn and all of her aggression-championing dates were for him. Homeboy just wants to go the the zoo and look at some fucking animals, jah feel?

Ultimately Tony decided he needed to get home to his dog and his bonsai trees (not making that up) and me here at Connie Bongrips could not be sadder to see him go. In the three short weeks he’s been with us, Tony has given us gems like

  • “Britt’s box is pulsating with energy”
  • His entire stand up routine
  • “I have the eyes of a child, the heart of a warrior, and the soul of a gypsy” (he said this twice this week. fucking gold)

That’s all I got off the top of my head, but me here at Connie Bongrips can’t help but wonder if ‘Chalorette will suffer in his absence. I’ll pour out some yerba mate for ya, big guy.

Surprising no one “First Impression” Shaun got the group date rose. This dude is firing on all cylinders right now and is making a real push to end the First Impression Curse. Whether his knockoff Ryan Gosling looks will be enough, we shall just have to wait and see.

Next we had another curveball thrown at us, this time by esteemed matchmaker extraordinaire, Chris Harrison, who paired our intrepid Bachelorette with towering man-hunk Ben Z (Benny Z, Benny Z, Benny Z Z Z), on a secret date, that ended up being a mix between a haunted house and a scavenger hunt. Ben Z fucking whacks this date out the park, using his calm, cool, collected manner to navigate a room filled with spooky bullshit and a bathroom literally covered in snakes and win the heart (and rose) of Kaitlyn. He followed it up with a classic convo about his dead mommy and how he can’t cry any more. Fucking brilliant. Last season Kaitlyn had her guard. This season Ben has his. Kaitlyn is gonna try so hard to break that motherfucker down that he’s pretty much guaranteed to stick around til that first salty drop comes out. That’s playing the game like a goddamn champ.

We finish off the dates with a sex ed class. While this is certainly a lame ass date to go on (fuck kids) it is a true delight to spectate. We had child actors asking questions we weren’t even allowed to hear, while mortified man-children tried to explain periods to them. While we’re on the subject of censorship-

What’s the fucking deal with ABC? Sometimes we get the dark box (see Jillian’s ass on the last season of the Bachelor). Sometimes we get the pixelation (sumo-off). Where’s the consistency, ABC? Also, how come you can’t say penis on ‘Chalorette? That’s its name. Penis. Totally normal word. You can’t say penis, but you can say balls? I’m confused.

Anywhooo, pretty much all the dudes bombed in spectacular, awkward fashion, with the lone exception being Ben H. Ben was able to stave off the weirdness and deliver a sex ed lecture that might not actually ruin these kids forever. Great job! He then went on to say all the right things at the after-date and won himself the rose. Good for him, bad for us. Kaitlyn, please, for the love of god, pick one Ben. I know you like them both, but this using their last initial thing is getting pretty damn old. And pick Ben Z. He’s super cute

And now, me at Connie Bongrips gets to the meat of this ep: Clint and JJ.

All week, we, the viewing public, have been teased with scenes of Clint and JJ hanging out over voice-overs talking about not expecting to find love with a man. If you’ve ever watched Bach or ‘Chalorette, then you know that the editing wizards love to make fake narratives (see last years tent BJ that never happened). That was what me at Connie Bongrips assumed was going on during these little teasers. Boy was I wrong. It seems Clint may legitimately be interested in JJ, either that or he really likes him as a friend and is just making a bunch of gay jokes (cuz isn’t it funny that dudes sometimes like eachother?). Clint spent the whole ep ignoring Kaitlyn and trying to get closer with JJ, who, for his part, seems somewhat interested, but more interested in finding a new mommy for his daughter (not to judge, but I bet that kid sucks, just look at her dad). I’m not sure how this will play out, with Clint def getting sent home (not gonna miss his “Villians gonna vill” catchphrase that he has busted out a minimum of 3 times already [at an average of 1 per ep]), but I hope both men find happiness. Actually, that’s a lie. JJ is a conceited prick, I hope he finds misery.

Can’t wait to see the rose ceremony. Now here’s the power rankings

  1. Tony- I know he’s eliminated, but he’s number one in our hearts here at Connie Bongrips. He’s staying here forever
  2. Ben Z- power moves son. power moves
  3. Shaun- jumped out to an early lead, can he hold on?
  4. Ben H- group date roses help raise your profile
  5. Jared- here solely for the frequency he shows up in the “This season on ‘Chalorette”
  6. Joshua- his awe-shucks ‘tude and his terrible fashion sense have really won me over. seems legit sweet
  7. Joe- funniest dude on the show and it’s not even close. that counts for something with Kaitlyn
  8. Ian- should probably be higher up, but he’s sooooooooooo boring
  9. Jonathan- dude’s real good looking. that’s gotta count for something, right?
  10. Chris- the dentist sneaks into the top 10 by virtue of his surprisingly strong showing at the stand up date
  11. Tanner- here we’re entering the meh-range. Tanner is the poster child for this group
  12. Ryan- or maybe Ryan is. they’re both bland as fuck
  13. Justin- another dude with a kid? shit’s played out, bro
  14. Clint- I know he’s going home, but he won me at Connie Bongrips’ heart with that drawingI mean come on! that’s a fucking masterpiece
  15. JJ- total noob. get him off my damn show
  16. Corey- this candy-apple looking motherfucker’s gotsta go

See you next week. May your box always be pulsating with energy

#CHARLESBRAMESCOPOOPYWRITER

Me here at Connie Bongrips have long had a problem with a certain film critic, Mr. Poopdick, né Charles Bramesco. Long-known around Tulane for his garbage musings on culture, Charles has recently been employed by several online publications. How he duped these rubes into paying him for his liberal elitist views (did I mention he went to college) is a subject worthy of a federal investigation.

Now me here at Connie Bongrips am usually one to live and let live. Although Charles has been poisoning the minds of our tighter-panted youths for half a year, I was content to let it slide. It’s not my business what one nerd tells another nerd to think about stupid movies no one was ever gonna watch anyway. But then he did the unthinkable. Ol’ Bramescobitch set his squinty little eye-bulbs (and his wispy little typing-fingers) on the Entourage movie. Now that, my friends, is a bridge too far.

The case brought against Entourage by our dear enemy Charles is as old as Vinny’s baby blues (are Vince’s eyes blue? I can’t remember and I’m too lazy to look it up). Waaaaaahhhhhh wah wah sexism. Wah wah wah over-simplified plot. Wah wah wah male self-indulgence. Which me at Connie Bongrips counter with a firm, stern, and heartfelt “Go fuck yourself.” If you don’t get why four (five if you count Ari [it’s never been clear to me if he is in fact one of the boys]) dudes banging hot chicks and living a super chill lifestyle is awesome, then you can get the fuck out of my country, bro. America was built on objectifying women and making things easier for our idiots to understand. Stories can be complicated. Complicated is lame. Thank god there are a few men brave enough (thank you based Doug Ellin) to make a movie that people can actually understand.

On top of that, Charles’ prose leaves a lot to be desired. Way too many parentheticals (I mean come on) combine with a douchey college-graduate vocabulary to make the reader feel as if Bramesco is talking down to them. Me at Connie Bongrips don’t know about you, but I don’t like it when dudes who wear glasses tell me why I shouldn’t like something as dope as Entourage. That’s not to even mention the biggest gaffe in the whole piece. Baby-Dick Bramesco ends his opening paragraph with the line “The whole gang is back together!”. Hey idiot, are you completely unfamiliar with the hashtag #TheBoysAreBack ? What a nerd. What a stupid, little nerd.

Don’t worry folks, me here at Connie Bongrips will keep you abreast of any more bullshit that spews out of this turd-jugglers MacBook (cuz let’s be honest, some one as hip as Charles def owns a MacBook, maybe even a MacBook Air. gross), so that we can keep this tiny dweeb in his place (probably a thrift store or microbrewery).

Also stay tuned for Bachelorette recaps/reviews